Nonsense

Nonsense covers random thoughts and ramblings.

The Brookstone Catalog Is My Favorite Part of the Middle of November

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It’s that time of year again. That wonderful, wonderful time of year. That amazing, life-changing time of year…when the Brookstone Catalog mysteriously shows up in my mail.

And they're exactly the same!

This year I got TWO of them! Bonus!

I don’t know how I got on this mailing list. I’ve moved a lot since this first started happening, and I have never once told Brookstone I was moving. In fact, I’m fairly positive I have never once told Brookstone where I live.

Because I don’t shop at Brookstone.

Don’t get me wrong. I would swim with sharks for one of those fancy massage chairs.* But I can only commit myself to one catalog for shopping, and I choose SkyMall every time.

*Please, Brookstone? Two dreams in one!!

AHHHHHHH

I’d even swim with this totally terrifying basking shark. No, wait, I’d ESPECIALLY swim with this totally terrifying, toothless filter-feeder shark…
(Image a la the WWF)

It’s not your fault, Brookstone. SkyMall and I have been together for a really long time. When I was a person-in-progress*, my dad worked for a major airline. We flew EVERYWHERE. All the time. SkyMall became more than a way to survive endless “flight safety briefings” – it became an obsession. (A totally HEALTHY obsession. Stop judging. My cat totally needs a ThunderSweater. It can’t be just for dogs, y’all.)

*small child

When you're on a flight is the perfect time to order wedding rings.

SkyMall is a rebel. Their holiday catalog doesn’t even picture the holidays. You show ’em, SkyMall.

The Brookstone Catalog is what happens to SkyMall when it grows up. I mean, it is clearly designed for people who once shopped at SkyMall (hi, friends!), but have since acquired a positively stupid amount of money.

But catalog-versus-catalog philosophical fights aside, Brookstone’s catalog is the ideal place for me to find all the most…astonishing…gift ideas of the season. For example:

Once again: AHHHHHHH

It’s definitely not terrifying at ALL, kids!

Instead of just selling you a robot, Brookstone encourages you to turn your Robot (phone) INTO a robot. Because, you know, Siri just isn’t realistic if she doesn’t have treads.

OR:

Seriously? AHHHHHHHHH

“Really? You want to eat THAT? Using ME? I don’t think so, buddy.”

A fork that criticizes your eating habits and makes you feel fat! The PERFECT gift for anyone you know!*

*And never, ever want to talk to again!

And, of course, Brookstone’s classic selection:

AhhhhhHhHHhHhh

Seriously. Just buy the chair.

Massage tools that look both uncomfortable and awkward, carefully posed with people making even more awkward faces. I’ll take 10.

And last but not least in our feature of delightful gift ideas from Brookstone, I bring you the very best gift of all:

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

For WHO, Brookstone? FOR WHO?!

I bet if you get the criticizing fork AND this delightful nose and ear trimmer for someone, you can be sure to never, ever see them again.

So, everyone, get a Brookstone Catalog of your own. Amaze you friends. Make endless enemies. Spend a shocking amount of money. Because in the end, there’s no better way to sabotage yourself through gift giving than to trust the advice of Brookstone.

I can’t wait for next year’s catalogs.

Dating in your 20s Is Completely Awful

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A friend of mine (you know who you are) recently asked me why I don’t blog about my dating experiences. As a single girl in my mid-late-20s, it seems like a natural topic to dive into. Especially since I’ve spent the last eight or so months dating like it was a second job.

There is one simple reason I don’t blog about my dating experiences.

They’re awful.

AHHHHHHH

I’m starting to think I should invent a Life Alert for bad dates.

No, seriously. Over the past eight or so months, I have found myself on dates with people who tell me, in depth, about how they would survive a zombie apocalypse by murdering everyone around them (graphic details were included). I have been on dates with people who gave me stacks of their garish business cards to “distribute to my friends.” (I’m still not sure why I would do that.) I have been on dates with people who legitimately used bad pickup lines in all seriousness. I have been stalked, stood up, proposed to, and propositioned.

At first, the horribleness of mid-late-20s dating was funny. Now it’s just dull, predictable, and sort of sad. So I don’t blog about the chronicles of my romantic life because I am seriously considering getting more cats and eating a chocolate cake.

Here is a picture to brighten your day:

Happier thoughts.

You’re welcome.

In case you think I’m just not putting effort into meeting proper guys, here are the ways I have scoured the world for happy dates:

OKCupid? Tried it. Got stalked.

Plenty of Fish? Tried it. Quit due to my aversion to being murdered.

Match? Tried it. …Ok, this one wasn’t totally hopeless.

Zoosk? Tried it. Hate it.

EHarmony? …Nope. Not doing it.

Totally meeting normal people and agreeing to dates? Nope. This is not something people do in the south. Because everyone is already married.

Today’s Post Is a Terrible Idea Caused by the Internet

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How to Successfully Internet Stalk* Someone Who Makes Chocolate.

I’m not saying I did this personally. I’m also not NOT saying I did this personally. I’m just here to provide helpful instructions, y’all.

Step 1: Google store where the Chocolate is Made.

Step 2: Find the Facebook page of the Store Where the Chocolate Is Made.

Step 3: Realize the stupid store has a separate Facebook page from the People Who Make the Chocolate

Step 4: Find the Facebook page of the Chocolate-Making People

Step 5: Hunt through the photos to find his name

Step 6: Facebook search for the name you deviously and craftily discovered.

Step 7: Be endlessly confused by his profile picture, and be crushed by the factual discovery that obviously you are only attracted to weirdos.

Step 8: Ignore all of that, because mother%$#@!, he makes CHOCOLATE

Step 9: Google therapists, because you’ve obviously gone off the deep end.

Step 10: Buy a candy bar.

Nom Nom Nom

Any one of these will do. Seriously. Chocolate is everywhere. GET OFF THE INTERNET!
(Image via the glorious Cup of Joe http://joannagoddard.blogspot.com/)

Step 11: Tell the Internet about that time you used the Internet for evil. Because you are quietly horrified at all the things the Internet can do.

*Don’t do this. For one thing, it’s totally bananas. For another thing, it’s creepy.**

This is why I don't date

Creepy like this guy. As a side note, this may be a surprisingly similar picture to the Chocolate-Maker’s Facebook picture.

**Seriously? No. Stop Googling people who make chocolate. This is a bad plan. I was having a weak*** moment.

***Hungry. A hungry moment. 

Public Service Announcement #46

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Beware The Manic Pixie Dream Guy (MPDG)

Back in 2007, the AV Club taught me a new term: Manic Pixie Dream Girl.

Manic Pixie Dream Girl: (Maaa-nick pick-see dre-yam gah-url)

The the wide-eyed hipster butterfly that Zooey Deschanel has come to embody after films like (500) Days of Summer. Also see Natalie Portman in Garden State.

Ladies and gentlemen, it does exist – and it’s not just for guys.

It’s also for girls and guys-who-like-guys.

The male MPDG – “Manic Pixie Dream Guy” – is an under-explained phenomenon that’s growing. It is the safe haven stereotype for the metrosexuals from the days of yore*.

*Also known as the 90s.

For one thing, their mustaches might actually be attached to their faces.

Tragically, MPD-Guys are not this obvious. *

This creature finds his home among hipsters, frequenting unusual places while wearing tight t-shirts and scarves. MPD-Guys tend to be tall and slender, with ready smiles and a tendency to take pictures of absolutely EVERYTHING (Think that guy who filmed plastic bags floating in American Beauty.)

They also like hats.

Now, these men are charming. They’re fun and unusual. They have an unique way of looking at the world (it comes with eyes that big, just like with Manic Pixie Dream Girls) that will fascinate your brain. They keep you on your toes with their antics and whims. They’re nothing at all like the men you thought you’d be attracted to (I mean, c’mon. The wear scarves. And hats. And skinny jeans.) And they will seem to love you whole-heartedly and with abandon.

You know, for like, a couple weeks.

Because the danger is this. MPDGs – male or female – are totally bananas.

Brazilian Wandering Spiders are EVIL

Horrifying spider monsters _totally_ included. Trust me.
*The Weekly World News is responsible for this picture. Thanks WWN!

(Sidenote: Look! More things about bananas!)

Men-who-like-women have been warned for years. Now, ladies and gentlemen-who-like-gentlemen, you have also been warned.

Bananas are contagious. Save yourself.

*My apologies to Ms. Deschanel, who is totally pretty and also hilarious and amazing. And according to all my male friends, totally dreamy.

P.S. – Someone from Finland Found my Blog and I love them.

This makes me happier than it should

Finland and Canada, together at last!
We’re all doomed.

Confessions of an Otherwise (sort of) Dedicated Blogger

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I’m very sorry, y’all.

My couch is more comfortable than my keyboard

I know. You’re all very sad about this. I feel just _awful_.*

*Actually what I feel is very, very well rested.

So, instead of a normal blog post, today I bring you my favorite thing I’ve said all week, in eCard form, and all the cool things I’ve found on the Internet while I should have been writing blog posts.

This week in conversation:

What? Do you not know people who have vampire catastrophes?

I really talk like this, y’all. It’s pretty awful to know me.

Meanwhile, on the Internet:

You have more body parts than you thought you did.  Seriously, doctors? Where have you been? 

My friend Andy skipped a blogging day and I am telling everyone I know about it. Way to go, Andy.

The entire Internet is obsessed with Siracha Candy Canes.

Do not buy these for me.

Science hates teddy bears and they proved it with a cloaking device.

Speaking of toys, here are some really, really disturbing ones. Honestly? Who lets these people around other people? Some people should not be allowed to invent things.

We forgive science for hating teddy bears, because they also agree I’m right about Daylight Savings Time being evil, and Standard Time being awesome. And healthy.

Also, there’s a new T-Rex. SERIOUSLY you guys! They found more dinosaurs!!!!!!

And ultimately, this can lead everyone to the conclusion that I love Time’s Newsfeed. Happy Friday, everyone.