And I’m not just talking about things you can find on those sites*.

*We all know what I’m talking about here. Don’t pretend you don’t also spend a lot of time on recipe websites. No one believes you.

I hate to delve into Regretsy** territory here. This is really their corner of the Internet. But I was shopping for a unique gift and boy howdy did I ever find one.

**Did you know Regretsy is no more?! I didn’t until this exact moment. Now the Internet has made me uncomfortable AND sad.

I’d like to introduce you to something I am never going to be able to forget:

I almost browsed right past this.
I wish I’d browsed right past this.

If you’re thinking “Oh what a cute sign,” you are missing several essential observations. Don’t worry. I’ll help.

1. OB/GYNs use their hands for things you don’t want to think about. I’m starting with the most obvious thing here. But gentlemen, if you’re snickering here, this is sort of like a prostate exam doctor having a sign made out of snapping gloves and pointer fingers.
2. The “o” and the “b” are both sort of ominously threatening in this context. I’m not joking. Look at in the context of “what if this isn’t a sign but instead a how-to hand demonstration.”
3. The pink slash is an awkward use of both shape and color here. I’m not explaining why.
4. The “g” is pointing at the pink slash. Which kind of highlights the awkwardness here.

In short, if an OB/GYN had this sign on her desk, I’d think she (or he. I’m not sexist, y’all) was providing a demonstration of (hopefully) exam-related hand movements. And that would make me run screaming. I’m not exaggerating.***

***I’m actually under-exaggerating here. The factual description would be “flee at top speed, shrieking like an anxious banshee.” 

I support increased awareness of the fact that people all have different needs. I also support accommodations for the hearing impaired or visually impaired (like me!) among us. I do. But please consider this point of fact: Hearing impaired people can read.

And I’m pretty sure deaf women feel just as threatened by this sign.

Way to go, Internet. I haven’t been this horrified in weeks.

As an aside, I totally salute this Etsy seller’s sweet hand-crafting-hand skills. She/He’s got some great names spelled out, and does custom work. I applaud all that and I hope she/he makes a billion dollars.

I know this was a pretty uncomfortable moment we just shared. So, to make you feel better, here is a picture of festive balls.

CHRISTMAS balls. Jeeze. You guys are pervs.

(These things are everywhere in North Carolina. And now you can buy them for $50 a pop from Brookstone. I’m telling you. Their holiday catalog is a wealth of joy and gift-giving ideas. Gift giving ideas that can charge you $50 for a ball of Christmas lights wrapped around chicken wire.)

I hope that puts you right back in the holiday spirit. You’re welcome.