Some Things on the Internet Really Make Me Uncomfortable

And I’m not just talking about things you can find on those sites*.

*We all know what I’m talking about here. Don’t pretend you don’t also spend a lot of time on recipe websites. No one believes you.

I hate to delve into Regretsy** territory here. This is really their corner of the Internet. But I was shopping for a unique gift and boy howdy did I ever find one.

**Did you know Regretsy is no more?! I didn’t until this exact moment. Now the Internet has made me uncomfortable AND sad.

I’d like to introduce you to something I am never going to be able to forget:

Included: Feminine Pink Slash

I almost browsed right past this.
I wish I’d browsed right past this.

If you’re thinking “Oh what a cute sign,” you are missing several essential observations. Don’t worry. I’ll help.

  1. OB/GYNs use their hands for things you don’t want to think about. I’m starting with the most obvious thing here. But gentlemen, if you’re snickering here, this is sort of like a prostate exam doctor having a sign made out of snapping gloves and pointer fingers.
  2. The “o” and the “b” are both sort of ominously threatening in this context. I’m not joking. Look at in the context of “what if this isn’t a sign but instead a how-to hand demonstration.”
  3. The pink slash is an awkward use of both shape and color here. I’m not explaining why.
  4. The “g” is pointing at the pink slash. Which kind of highlights the awkwardness here.

In short, if an OB/GYN had this sign on her desk, I’d think she (or he. I’m not sexist, y’all) was providing a demonstration of (hopefully) exam-related hand movements. And that would make me run screaming. I’m not exaggerating.***

***I’m actually under-exaggerating here. The factual description would be “flee at top speed, shrieking like an anxious banshee.” 

I support increased awareness of the fact that people all have different needs. I also support accommodations for the hearing impaired or visually impaired (like me!) among us. I do. But please consider this point of fact: Hearing impaired people can read.

And I’m pretty sure deaf women feel just as threatened by this sign.

Way to go, Internet. I haven’t been this horrified in weeks.

As an aside, I totally salute this Etsy seller’s sweet hand-crafting-hand skills. She/He’s got some great names spelled out, and does custom work. I applaud all that and I hope she/he makes a billion dollars.

I know this was a pretty uncomfortable moment we just shared. So, to make you feel better, here is a picture of festive balls.

These things run rampant in NC.

CHRISTMAS balls. Jeeze. You guys are pervs.

(These things are everywhere in North Carolina. And now you can buy them for $50 a pop from Brookstone. I’m telling you. Their holiday catalog is a wealth of joy and gift-giving ideas. Gift giving ideas that can charge you $50 for a ball of Christmas lights wrapped around chicken wire.)

I hope that puts you right back in the holiday spirit. You’re welcome.

Today’s Post Is a Terrible Idea Caused by the Internet

How to Successfully Internet Stalk* Someone Who Makes Chocolate.

I’m not saying I did this personally. I’m also not NOT saying I did this personally. I’m just here to provide helpful instructions, y’all.

Step 1: Google store where the Chocolate is Made.

Step 2: Find the Facebook page of the Store Where the Chocolate Is Made.

Step 3: Realize the stupid store has a separate Facebook page from the People Who Make the Chocolate

Step 4: Find the Facebook page of the Chocolate-Making People

Step 5: Hunt through the photos to find his name

Step 6: Facebook search for the name you deviously and craftily discovered.

Step 7: Be endlessly confused by his profile picture, and be crushed by the factual discovery that obviously you are only attracted to weirdos.

Step 8: Ignore all of that, because mother%$#@!, he makes CHOCOLATE

Step 9: Google therapists, because you’ve obviously gone off the deep end.

Step 10: Buy a candy bar.

Nom Nom Nom

Any one of these will do. Seriously. Chocolate is everywhere. GET OFF THE INTERNET!
(Image via the glorious Cup of Joe

Step 11: Tell the Internet about that time you used the Internet for evil. Because you are quietly horrified at all the things the Internet can do.

*Don’t do this. For one thing, it’s totally bananas. For another thing, it’s creepy.**

This is why I don't date

Creepy like this guy. As a side note, this may be a surprisingly similar picture to the Chocolate-Maker’s Facebook picture.

**Seriously? No. Stop Googling people who make chocolate. This is a bad plan. I was having a weak*** moment.

***Hungry. A hungry moment. 

The Horrors of Blogging

Ok. Now that I posted what I actually wanted to write about today (which was obviously pie), I’m probably obligated to write the “hi world!” post that explains what I’m doing on the Internet.

(Well, probably not what I’m doing on the Internet. We’re all doing the same thing on the Internet. Looking at food on Pinterest and stalking our friends on Facebook. Ok, and a few other things, but we’re not talking about that right now.)

What right do I have to call my very first (ok, second) blog post “The Horrors of Blogging”? Who is this nobody pretending to know things about the sweet online poetry that is blog writing?! Well, that’s easy. This is my own personal blog – and I just started it, that’s true – but I do this for a living. I’m a marketer (stop judging! Stoppit right now!), and since I’m in my 20s, I do a lot with social media. Including writing tons and tons of blog posts that I will never link to, because that’s work, and this is me.

But really all the horrors started when I decided I wanted my own blog.

I’ve gotten to work on a lot of created blogs – someone else has built the back-end coding, and embedded all the cool tracking toys and the SEO kits, and made it look all pretty already. Then I write and tag and share and spread the word…without having to decide what background to choose, or every layout detail, or what hosting provider to choose. Honestly, that stuff makes my head hurt.

So my patience ran out, my impulsiveness kicked in, and now I have a blog. The look will get more love later. This blog isn’t full of useful knowledge, and probably never will be. It’s my corner of the Internet where I – a 20-something Bay Area girl who now lives in North Carolina – intend to share all the things that live in my brain. Or at least some of them. I don’t want to scar y’all for life. (Lookit how Southern I am!)


Hi, Internet.