It’s that time of year again. That wonderful, wonderful time of year. That amazing, life-changing time of year…when the Brookstone Catalog mysteriously shows up in my mail.

This year I got TWO of them! Bonus!

I don’t know how I got on this mailing list. I’ve moved a lot since this first started happening, and I have never once told Brookstone I was moving. In fact, I’m fairly positive I have never once told Brookstone where I live.

Because I don’t shop at Brookstone.

Don’t get me wrong. I would swim with sharks for one of those fancy massage chairs.* But I can only commit myself to one catalog for shopping, and I choose SkyMall every time.

*Please, Brookstone? Two dreams in one!!

I’d even swim with this totally terrifying basking shark. No, wait, I’d ESPECIALLY swim with this totally terrifying, toothless filter-feeder shark…
(Image a la the WWF)

It’s not your fault, Brookstone. SkyMall and I have been together for a really long time. When I was a person-in-progress*, my dad worked for a major airline. We flew EVERYWHERE. All the time. SkyMall became more than a way to survive endless “flight safety briefings” – it became an obsession. (A totally HEALTHY obsession. Stop judging. My cat totally needs a ThunderSweater. It can’t be just for dogs, y’all.)

*small child

SkyMall is a rebel. Their holiday catalog doesn’t even picture the holidays. You show ’em, SkyMall.

The Brookstone Catalog is what happens to SkyMall when it grows up. I mean, it is clearly designed for people who once shopped at SkyMall (hi, friends!), but have since acquired a positively stupid amount of money.

But catalog-versus-catalog philosophical fights aside, Brookstone’s catalog is the ideal place for me to find all the most…astonishing…gift ideas of the season. For example:

It’s definitely not terrifying at ALL, kids!

Instead of just selling you a robot, Brookstone encourages you to turn your Robot (phone) INTO a robot. Because, you know, Siri just isn’t realistic if she doesn’t have treads.

OR:

“Really? You want to eat THAT? Using ME? I don’t think so, buddy.”

A fork that criticizes your eating habits and makes you feel fat! The PERFECT gift for anyone you know!*

*And never, ever want to talk to again!

And, of course, Brookstone’s classic selection:

Seriously. Just buy the chair.

Massage tools that look both uncomfortable and awkward, carefully posed with people making even more awkward faces. I’ll take 10.

And last but not least in our feature of delightful gift ideas from Brookstone, I bring you the very best gift of all:

For WHO, Brookstone? FOR WHO?!

I bet if you get the criticizing fork AND this delightful nose and ear trimmer for someone, you can be sure to never, ever see them again.

So, everyone, get a Brookstone Catalog of your own. Amaze you friends. Make endless enemies. Spend a shocking amount of money. Because in the end, there’s no better way to sabotage yourself through gift giving than to trust the advice of Brookstone.

I can’t wait for next year’s catalogs.