Alright, Let’s Give This “Evening Post” Thing a Shot

Long ago in the days of yore, there used to be two newspaper releases in a day – one in the morning and one in the evening.* And while I’m much too far behind to have managed a double-release blog day, I figure the world could probably use an exotic evening post from me.**

*We will not mention the fact that I probably learned this from a movie, and not from history or real research of any kind. But anyway, now it’s on the Internet, so it’s DEFINITELY TRUE.
**I slept until 11 and then went to a diner to eat pancakes until I couldn’t move. Lets pretend I did that so I could try out posting in the evening hours. 

And while we’re trying out this very different time for a blog post, let’s also try out a “heartfelt and moving post about love and family and apples not falling far from the tree.”

Meaning, I am exactly like my parents. I know this. I have just spent more than a week at their house, enjoying quality time***, familial bonding****, and holiday warmth and laughter.***** This has really nailed home the fact that I am EXACTLY what happens if you mix my father’s sarcasm with my mother’s sense of humor.******

***Free food.
****More free food.
*****Along with free food.
******And added a lot of sugar and probably a unicorn.

Oh, you don’t believe me?

My mother and I passed notes all through our diner brunch.

Mostly tiaras.

Point 1: Yes, I do call my mom “Mommy.”
Point 2: Yes, I am a grown woman.
Point 3: You’re welcome for the product placement, Belk and Ulta. I accept monetary rewards and also tiaras.

And wait! There’s MORE! See that little arrow up there? It means we also wrote ALL OVER THE BACK OF THE PAGE.

My mom is more inspired than I am some days

Allow me to explain:
1) I have spent a lot of this vacation playing murdery video games with my Dad.
2) I have also spent a lot of this vacation cuddling my cat, but I think it’s cooler if she can fly. And she probably can. She’s cool like that.
3) I TOLD you I had a present fort.

My father was greatly amused.*******

*******Ignored us completely, which only encouraged our note passing.

So, basically, if anyone was wondering why I am the way I am: Here is your explanation. You are welcome. I’m happy to help solve the mysteries of the Internet.

Also, I refuse to blog like a normal responsible grown up until after the New Year. Because it would interfere with my irresponsible nap time. But tomorrow I’m probably going to gossip about the South. So you should probably not give up on my blog just yet.

Yesterday, I Told an Untruth

I was all “Normal blogging will return on Friday.” But apparently I didn’t mean it. Because today I slept in* and heartlessly ignored you, the Internet, until this very moment.

*VACATION, y’all!

Boy Scouts are WAY more prepared than I am. Probably Girl Scouts are, too.

It’s not my fault. I’ve been reading the Cracked DeTextbook and finding out how I’m wrong about everything. Oh, and I got a new phone.

Bad, Bad Apple

It’s GOLD, guys! GOLD.
Apple is enabling my American materialism.
Bad Apple.

The above glorious example of technological glory is why I’ve completely ignored you Internet. I’m sorry.**

**Not really. I haven’t had a new phone in years and years and years and I love it as much as kittens.***
***Just kidding. kittens. I love you best.

So, basically, I’ve been dedicating myself to expensive toys and present forts and that is VERY distracting, but eventually I will return to you, Internet. I could never forget you.

This is why I took a Thanksgiving hiatus.

It’s Not Christmas Anymore and that Means I Slept in

And didn’t write a blog post for this morning because, well, yesterday was Christmas, and there are some serious limitations on my preparedness relating to holidays.

As a side note, present forts are both the most amazing and most depressing form of forts. On the plus side, they’re colorful forts MADE OF PRESENTS. But the truth is, they’re also forts destined to fall, because, well, they’re made of presents and I have exactly zero patience when it comes to waiting to unwrap things.

So, since I have nothing else interesting to say today, here is a picture of creepy children in a live swan:


I was going to use this to make you all a Bathtub Party Day* invite, but then I found out Bathtub Party Day is totally a copyrighted holiday.
Click for source.

*This is a real holiday. It is on December 5. You are welcome.

I’ll be back to normal blogging tomorrow, just in time for the week to end.

It’s Christmas and You Should be Drinking Breakfast Egg Nog Instead of Reading This

Or, you know, hanging out with family and sharing love and joy and all. Whatever floats your boat.

But since you’re here anyway, you diligent blog-checker you, I will reward you with a picture of me in my Christmas jammies:

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtlres!

Happy Holidays, Internet. It’s not even a selfie. It’s just a really dumb-looking picture of me JUST FOR YOU.
And yes, those are Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Jammies. Because my family loves me.

Now go away and love your family. Even if you don’t celebrate Christmas, today is a super good day for hugs and morning booze.

Merry Christmas, y’all. I’ll be in the present fort.


This is my present fort. Go away.

Happy Holi-oh, Crap. I’m Already Late

I’m very busy and important*, so I simply do not have time to be amusing** today.

*Running late to Christmas Eve lunch at my Grandma’s house. 
**Am totally having a holiday-induced panic attack.

So here is a picture of a very sad box.***


Produce Box is really sad to meet you.
Produce Box is kind of a jerk.

***Dramatic shadows included, FREE! You’re welcome.

I get my produce**** magically delivered to me. And I recently discovered that this box is very, very sad. All the time. Because I have anthropomorphic personification problems.

****Fancy bread and locally made sugar products. But it comes in a produce box, so it’s healthy, right?

Merry Christmas Eve, y’all. I hope all your holiday boxes are glad to make your acquaintance.