I’ve Decided I’m Not Ready for the Future, Guys

Or: It’s Possible Technology Is Beyond Me

I usually think I’m pretty on the ball with all the cool toys living in the future has shared with me. I love my fancy magical smartphone. I clearly enjoy the Internet. Video streaming has enabled me to completely stop going outside in the summertime.*
*In my defense, nature is out to get me all spring and summer long.

But let’s be honest. I draw my doodles on Post-its, which were invented in 1974, with pens. Like, regular, school-supply style pens.**
**I do not know when these were invented. Sometime after the whole quill-and-ink system, I bet.

Tah Dah

You know, like this.

This is not a very high-tech solution for getting illustrations onto a blog. So I decided that maybe it’s time for an update. Maybe I should be using technology to make my technology-enabled hobby happen.

I bought a sketching tablet.**
**Like, an affordable one. I draw stick figures, guys. This isn’t exactly high-end art.

 

Want to see how it’s going, guys?

Tablet Drawing 1

Like, more awkward than normal. By a lot.

Not great. It’s going not great.

Tablet Drawing 2

I thought typed text might help. Nope.

I’m not a quitter. But I’d like to provide a little bit of comparison here.

What is happening

This is pretty meta, right?

Well, maybe it’s not so bad…

Are you OK

Ok, the typed text DOES kind of help.

Nope nope nope. It’s pretty bad.

Supposed to be me

Pixels. I have to worry about pixels now.

A blog jump into the future may take awhile, guys. Because I am clearly not ready for the technologies of the future.***
***My drawing tablet is apparently from 2010. I’m not ready for the technologies of 6 years ago.

I have to go practice living in the future.

Working Together as a Team Is a Challenge, Guys

Or: It’s Really Hard to Play Together as Adults

When I was little, getting together as a group was fun. Somehow, my friends and I would always end up trying to accomplish something.*
*”Something” including achievements like “climbing ladders” and “pretending to be Thundercats.”

Projects at 5

This is a recreation of actual events. Age 5

Things stayed pretty positive through the teen years. Group projects meant hanging out, over-caffeinating, and pretending we definitely got productive things done.**
**While also methodically ignoring whatever the point of the project was, until the last minute, where we each decided we’d done all the work on our own, without any help from each other.

Projects at 15

Age 15

But by the time college rolled around, things got sort of confusing…

Arguments at 21

Age 21. Definitely age 21.

…Because it’s really hard to technically be arguing when pizza is involved, but it’s also hard to accomplish anything while tipsy*** on the floor.
***Let’s be honest. By the time you’re on the floor, tipsy was a few drinks ago.

Then came the working world. In my head, the corporate world would be full of intrigue, professionalism and productive meetings.

Arguments at 11

Age 25

It was not.

But now, technology has made professional group projects even more fun.

Arguments at 31

Age 31. We live in the future, guys.

Mostly by giving us all more ways to argue with each other.

I’ve Been a Little Bit of a Procrastinator…

Or: Holy Smokes, Guys. Has It Really Been This Long?

…Crickets…Crickets…

"Site Closed" is like "Caution" tape, but for the internet

Seriously. It’s been like, two years. TWO.

…Crickets…Cri-

IMG_7886

TWO.

Uh oh.

IMG_7887

Easiest. Doodle. Ever.

This can’t be good.

IMG_7888

This bit right here. Just this bit. You can have the rest.*

*If you promise to be very, very responsible with it.

Well, it can’t be good for you.

IMG_7889

But it might be!

But it’s definitely good for me.

Mostly because I really need to get all these colorful post-its off my desk and on to the Internet. It’s the only safe place for them.

 

It Really Has Nothing to Do with Sweden, Guys

Or: That One Time I Used the Internet to Actually Look Something Up*

*Did you know that the Internet is a great source of factual information?! It’s TRUE!

In case you somehow missed it, I have a cat.

Which is why everyone should be one

You don’t have to be old to be a cat lady! It’s equal opportunity!

She is an important part of my life. I’ve had her since I was 15. When I was 15**, I was not very good at doing things like “leaving the cat alone” and “not picking her up and snuggling her with every fiber of my being.”
**Also now. Still now. She’s just so cute

Kitty!

Kittykittykittykittykittykittykitty!

Some people have formed opinions regarding the fact that my cat shows me an equal level of obsessive attention.

I call them "Jen" and "Eric"

These are generic friends. I bet you wish you had generic friends to insert into blog posts. (I call them “Jen” and “Eric”)

When I was 15, this resulted in a modest level of curiosity. As an avid fan of The Muppets, I was relatively sure that “Stockholm Syndrome” meant that you had some form of speech impediment that made you talk like the Swedish Chef:

This is not what stockholm syndrome is

Bork bork bork! Hergy Blerghy Bork!
Click for source, because this is not a picture I took.

In fact, Stockholm Syndrome has nothing at all to do with chefs, and very little to do with Sweden. The term dates back to the 1973, when an armed robber strolled into a bank in Norrmalmstorg Square, in Stockholm, Sweden. (Click here to check out one of the many tellings of this story.) He took four hostages and made life wildly unpleasant for the police for several days.

Guns! In doodle land!

This is probably the most dangerous doodle I have ever drawn. Also, I only felt like drawing three hostages, because this is a generic example. 

While this was going on, observers noticed something super weird.

The world would be a really obvious place

If only all kidnappers, hostage takers, and generally terrible people were all this forthcoming.

The hostages were resistant to police, but companionable with their kidnapper. It doesn’t make a whole bunch of sense at first glance.

My gunman is so happy

In fact, it seems downright counter-intuitive

But when you look at things historically, it does seem a little more logical, if completely bleak.

But this one is!

Not all gunmen are so explanatory.

It doesn’t have much place on a humor blog.

DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME

Because yelling at someone with a gun is totally safe….if you’re a stick figure that I draw.

It’s a syndrome seen in kidnapped victims, hostages, and victims of abuse.

Sweden seems to be keeping positive, though.

It’s also given Stockholm a bad name, via association. Poor Stockholm.

It always confused me why people would regularly toss around a term that has such deep psychologically damaging implications.

Awww, and I wanted to fly

Anything is possible. Except spontaneous flight.

Especially when there’s obviously a much more rational explanation.

This was another whole post about my cat

She totally is. Especially if food is involved.

Yeah. That must be it.

Also, Here Is Why I Did Not Blog Yesterday:

Yep. Need glasses

Yep. Totally blind.

I had to go to the eye doctor. It was very time consuming***.
***Also, I probably took a nap. Maybe.

 

As an aside, Stockholm Syndrome is super serious, as is abuse and kidnapping. They don’t just happen to girls and women, either. If you happen to know someone who is, or might be, suffering from abuse, kidnapping, or other terrible things, here are some great resources to help:

And let’s all try to treat each other like human beings, ok?

How to Lose Friends and Alienate Your Loved Ones

Or: Why I Should Really Stop Moving so Much

Back in January, at the very fresh start of the new Year, I ceased to be the last single girl in my pride of ladyfriends. Two friends of mine conspired to bring me relationshipical bliss by introducing me to the man now known as Boyfriend.

Also: Thanks guys!

This is an accurate illustration of how we met. Except possibly pizza and bowling were involved. Possibly.

He’s the bee’s knees, folks.

And i lurv his whole him, internet

They’re the best knees, the bee’s knees that he is.

There are many stories about my adventures with Boyfriend, but today, I am only telling one. Today’s tale, sweet readers of the Internet, is about the time Boyfriend asked me to move in with him. It wouldn’t be much of a story if I said no. Not to ruin the ending or anything, but I said yes.

It's always better to quote Ghostbusters

Cats and dogs, living together y’all.

Those who know me know that I have moved frequently in my life for reasons ranging from “my parents are moving and I am a minor and their legal responsibility” to “I am bored and would like to try having adventures in a new city/state/geographic location.” So I’d like to say I’ve gotten good at moving by this point in my life.

Expert. Taping. It's a thing

Look at those labels! Look at that expert taping technique!

Nope.

How does the tape always disappear?

This is an accurate depiction of how my living space looks while I am moving.

What I have become skilled at is enlisting everyone I know in the moving process. My excellent friends are completely aware of my semi-routine nomadicism, but still come to my aid, lured by the promise of pizza and adult beverages*,
*Like extra large chocolate milkshakes and banana smoothies.

Also to keep the adult beverages flowing AFTER the fragile things have been moved

The important thing is to keep the pizza out of reach until the moving is complete.

This last move, however, happened without much planning**. Boyfriend and I had decided to live together, so obviously, that should begin immediately, right*?
No planning at all.
***Not when you own 8 million pounds of stuff.

So, with barely two weeks’ warning, I declared that my apartment’s contents would be emptied and relocated into the house-to-be-shared. This should not be a huge problem for a girl moving out of a one bedroom apartment.

Except that I am a 29 year old female American.

Which means I have so. Many. Things.

The "ALL THE THINGS" meme is the brainchild of Allie Brosh over at Hyperbole and a Half. Click to discover and applaud her awesomeness.

The “ALL THE THINGS” meme is the brainchild of Allie Brosh over at Hyperbole and a Half. Click to discover and applaud her awesomeness.

And with only two weeks’ notice, I could only gather**** three friends to tackle the movement of all my worldly possessions.
****Bribe, blackmail, and beg.

So Boyfriend’s family also came to help.

You heard me too, reader

You heard me, Doodle.

I had not yet done much packing.

Seriously, Panic.

PANIC!

Including his dad. On Father’s Day.

Yeah. Go on. Imagine in

Seriously.

Which is what happens when you move too often and don’t plan. So a general consensus has now been reached.

And I'm totally happy about iut

I’m never moving again.*****
*****Seriously. I have too many things.