Spring in the South Is a Festering Pit of Debauchery

Or: I’m Really Allergic to the South

I have lived in a lot of different places across the good ol’ U.S. of A. I’ve been to even more states.

Hurray for the USA!

Pink is where I’ve lived, green is where I’ve been, and beige states obviously don’t exist in reality because I haven’t been there yet. Sorry, most-of-the-middle-of-America.
Click for original map-source.

In all the places I’ve lived, I’ve never once suffered from allergies of any kind.

Until I came to the South.

Things are beautiful here. Right now, the sun is shining, and it’s better than 60 degrees outside. The breeze is cool and the trees and the grass and the flowers are starting to bloom.

Should be is the key term here

Hurray nature! This is how the weather SHOULD be experienced.

This is a problem.

It is not pretty

This is a very accurate representation of my allergy face.

A big problem. All of these plants insistently breeding means I can’t breathe. I’ve never been quite able to identify what it is in the South that I am allergic to, but whatever it is, it’s a plant that really enjoys trying to make baby plants ALL THE TIME. Its pollen saturates the air.

Seriously. It is not pretty

This is an even more accurate representation of my allergy face.

Plants in the South are just super extra interested in knowing each other Biblically*, apparently.
*It IS the Bible belt, after all, so it only makes sense.

Bandit masks are cool

I’m still mad at nature, even if it motivates me to dress like a bandit.

It’s really awkward, when you think about it. I just wish they’d leave me out of the process. Isn’t that what bees are for?

I miss bees.

It's fun to blame people for problems they probably didn't cause

Oh Monsanto. Why do you hate honey and flowers? Way to kill all the bees, guys.
(Just kidding)

10 thoughts on “Spring in the South Is a Festering Pit of Debauchery

  1. Is the the “hork” the sound it makes when you’re dry heaving and gagging because your sinuses are draining down your throat? If so, I need to change my name.

    With ❤ from Arkansas…

    P.S. How the heck do you go to every state east, west, and south of Arkansas, but skip it entirely? HOW?

    • I like to think of “hork” as the sound that happens when you’re gasping for breath and suddenly inhale wet allergy liquid (which is what we’re going to call that from now on, because it’s less gross than the alternative), and suddenly you can’t get any air. It’s like being suffocated by your own face.

      But your explanation is somehow more poetic.

      ❤ back to Arkansas from NC

      P.S. Response: Slick ninja skills. Also, I've never had to drive to any of the Western states, so Arkansas has been neglected. I'm overdue a trip, clearly.

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