Or: Why Using the Thing on the Computer that Fixes the other Things on the Computer Is Probably Making Me Dumber
Technology and I have a rocky, one-sided relationship. I need it (for controlling the air conditioner, which saves me from The South, and knowing all of the things Google can tell me. Plus, I used to use it for dating), but it can’t stand me.
What? Don’t you hug your laptop?
When I went to college, I started my studies as a Computer Science major. By my logic, there was no way I could go wrong with something that has “computer” and “science” right in the title. It’ll be amazing*, I thought. It’ll be fun!
*Wrong.
Double wrong.
This provides an illustrated guide to my pre-college Computer Science understanding.
What it actually was was a whole lot of math. And calculus.***
***Pure evil, masquerading as advanced math.
I had very strong opinions regarding the idea of “imaginary numbers.” If they’;re imaginary, then I can imagine them any way I want.
So I went on to major in English.
I express my feelings by hugging inanimate objects. You may have noticed.
The inner workings of computers became a growing world of continuous, easily breakable mystery.
It’s only the Blue Screen of Misery because “Blue Screen of horrible data failure, swear words, disappointment and tears” didn’t fit.
Thankfully, there is a magic tool designed for people like me, who think computers crash out of spite. It pops up, runs diagnostics, and sometimes fixes the problem entirely – while I do nothing.
It makes me feel like a wizard.
Today’s brief history lesson: Prior to Harry Potter, y’all, costume wizard robes were traditionally covered in stars and moons, and involved pointy hats.
It is possibly the second-most amazing thing that my computer can do.****
****Besides Internet, obviously.
But it has also destroyed my scientific view of technology.
Science-me requires glasses to look smart.
Wizard-me clearly does not care about the importance of appearing intellectual.
That is why I will probably not be any help with Applooglesoft takes over the world.
It’s ok, though. I already have a plan for that.
Perpetual Plot Hole 
magic is definitely how these things happen!
in my books the invention of imaginary numbers is just a fancy science/maths way of saying magic exists!
after all…if you have to invent an imaginary thing to prove a theory you have, then that is as good as saying “magic did it!”
also…I hug inanimate objects too…most recently (and possibly sadly) the Fowlers English Usage Guide…
That’s definitely not sad. That’s a completely appropriate half-inanimate hug.
Given the common nature of imaginary things in math and science, there should probably be more rabbits appearing and handfuls of surprise glitter getting tossed in teh air…
Glittery rabbits appearing would make maths awesome!!! And slightly disturbing…
also…it is known as the Blue Screen of Death in my circles and happens all the time for no reason!
Imaginary numbers…pff, but if I date imaginary girlfriends everyone reacts funny….
You should just start inserting your imaginary girlfriends into equations. Then everyone will accept them as just very smart, and too complicated to be commonly understood.
So basically, they’ll just accept that your imaginary girlfriend is a real and totally qualified girlfriend.
That…uhmm….shit, and I told my maths teacher that all this is bollocks and no one needs that in real life.
It’s ok. I speak on behalf of the U.S. when I say we shall all accept your mathematically superior imaginary girlfriend as real, because you say things like “bollocks” and that makes you both classy and trustworthy.
Oh. If you react that way to a wee bit of British slang then wait till I go all German on you. Although, to “go all German” sounds rather unpleasant.
Magic and glitter must be involved! Great post, Wizard 🙂
Why thank you! 🙂 I appreciate the read!
My pleasure!
Your description of calculus as accurate as I’ve ever heard. And imaginary numbers made me think of this: http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-JVWE28Qw4wg/T6PrNHgLdoI/AAAAAAAACq8/qtZOaSqa-4M/s1600/be-rational-get-real.png
EVEN MATH THINGS CANNOT GET ALONG!
Also that is adorable and makes me happy. Thanks!
A small return for all the laughs you’ve given me.
this is hilarious! i hope you find the book you must have fallen out of 🙂
Kind of like electricity … switch on; switch off. (That only works if you use the Mr. Miagi accent. 😉 )
I _always_ use the Mr. Miagi accent. In all contexts. It makes conversations much more exhilarating.
Indeed! Either that or Ahnold’s accent. Both seem to work in all of the situations.