Or: Why the Wand Thingie in the Shower is the Greatest Invention in the World
*Yes, yes I am. Don’t let me lie to you like that.
It occurs to me on a remarkably regular basis that if I was living in another era (say, for example, Victorian times, when “pants” was a dirty word and people wore clothes with eighteen billion heavy layers), I would not survive, much less thrive. I’m a product of The Future, and I love it here.**
**Even though I’m still mysteriously lacking my flying car. I’m waiting, Google.
Don’t worry. I have a helpful example to share with you to demonstrate my very limited technological-survival time range.
We’ve previously discussed that I am not a morning person. I love sleeping with a deep, abiding passion, and I view the morning sun as my arch nemesis. Things are even worse when I have to get up before the sun has started to peek over the horizon.
If I have to get up before the sun, I’m forced to acknowledge that morning is not the sun’s fault, and that really ruins my arch-nemesis-hating.
On the other hand, we all know who the true enemy is in the morning:
You’re not fooling anyone by pretending to be helpful, Alarm Clock.
The morning is a confusing time for me, which probably just highlights the fact that in the days of cavemen and super-predators, I would have been a delicious morning meal.
My general level of morning awareness hovers right between “completely oblivious” and “just awake enough to not walk into things.”
Which is incidentally low enough on the awareness scale to be completely confused when the shower does not automagically turn on. I mean, this is The Future, right?
Eventually, though, I successfully manage to both turn the shower on and hurl soap at myself.
On this one fateful day that we’re discussing, however, I discovered that my lack of awareness in the morning had delivered me into the grasp of a horrifying nightmare.
The most terrifying, horrifying thing that can happen to a girl in the shower outside of a Hitchcock film:
In any other time period, this would have been the end of me***. This enthusiastic insect was sharing the tiny box of a shower with me. And guys. GUYS. He’d been there the. Whole. Time.
***Seriously. No hyperbole or exaggeration at all. At. All.
Since my first survival technique is “close your eyes tightly and pretend you are still sleeping, and then it will be a dream,” this could have been a very dangerous situation. Then, however, something occurred to me. Something important. Something life-saving.
It occurred to me that the inventors of my modern shower had already thought through this situation. They’d invented the perfect bug-removal device.****
****DO NOT GOOGLE “Uses for shower wand.” THE INTERNET IS WRONG. It is for killing bugs.
So, you see, without the tools of the future, I’d be food for all SORTS of horrible creatures.*****
*****Like itty bitty insects. Which are the most dangerous kind.
(P.S. – Hi Internet. I missed you. Please still read my blog. <3)