I’m Not Prone To Hyperbole*, but in Any Other Era, I Would Probably be Dead

Or: Why the Wand Thingie in the Shower is the Greatest Invention in the World

*Yes, yes I am. Don’t let me lie to you like that.

It occurs to me on a remarkably regular basis that if I was living in another era (say, for example, Victorian times, when “pants” was a dirty word and people wore clothes with eighteen billion heavy layers), I would not survive, much less thrive. I’m a product of The Future, and I love it here.**

**Even though I’m still mysteriously lacking my flying car. I’m waiting, Google.

Don’t worry. I have a helpful example to share with you to demonstrate my very limited technological-survival time range.

We’ve previously discussed that I am not a morning person. IΒ loveΒ sleeping with a deep, abiding passion, and I view the morning sun as my arch nemesis. Things are even worse when I have to get up before the sun has started to peek over the horizon.

Curtains are the best invention

For the purposes of this demonstration, let’s pretend that I don’t have blackout curtains that deny the sun the ability to enter my bedroom. Let’s pretend together.

If I have to get up before the sun, I’m forced to acknowledge that morning is not the sun’s fault, and that really ruins my arch-nemesis-hating.

On the other hand, we all know who the true enemy is in the morning:

The alarm clock is evil

Yes. Early O’clock is a legitimate time. My alarm clock declares it to be so every morning.

You’re not fooling anyone by pretending to be helpful, Alarm Clock.

IT IS SO EVIL.

Nothing gets the adrenaline going in the morning quite like the sound of my alarm clock. It probably also doubles as an impending nuclear war alert.

The morning is a confusing time for me, which probably just highlights the fact that in the days of cavemen and super-predators, I would have been a delicious morning meal.

Confused in the morning

I also sound like a zombie when I walk. And look like one. I really don’t know what happens to my hair when I sleep.

My general level of morning awareness hovers right between “completely oblivious” and “just awake enough to not walk into things.”

TURN ON WATER

This is an accurate depiction of my morning in-the-shower pose.

Which is incidentally low enough on the awareness scale to be completely confused when the shower does not automagically turn on. I mean, this is The Future, right?

The shower does not know you want to be clean

Ok, we should probably invent me-sensing showers before we invent flying cars. Get on it, Google.

Eventually, though, I successfully manage to both turn the shower on and hurl soap at myself.

Drawing soapy hair is hard.

This is as close as the Internet will ever get to seeing me in the shower. You’re all welcome.

On this one fateful day that we’re discussing, however, I discovered that my lack of awareness in the morning had delivered me into the grasp of a horrifying nightmare.

Dun dun. Dun dun. Dun dun dun dun dun...

This is how you end up with soap in your eyes at 5:30 in the morning.

The most terrifying, horrifying thing that can happen to a girl in the shower outside of a Hitchcock film:

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

In any other time period, this would have been the end of me***. This enthusiastic insect was sharing the tiny box of a shower with me. And guys. GUYS. He’d been there the. Whole. Time.

***Seriously. No hyperbole or exaggeration at all. At. All.

And my boyfriend says it makes me look very pretty.

This is my grown-up tough-girl face.

Since my first survival technique is “close your eyes tightly and pretend you are still sleeping, and then it will be a dream,” this could have been a very dangerous situation. Then, however, something occurred to me. Something important. Something life-saving.

Down the drain!

You’re feeling bad for the bug, aren’t you?
Don’t let him trick you. You can’t trust anything with more than four legs, and he had like, 80.

It occurred to me that the inventors of my modern shower had already thought through this situation. They’d invented the perfect bug-removal device.****

****DO NOT GOOGLE “Uses for shower wand.” THE INTERNET IS WRONG. It is for killing bugs.

Otherwise I'd be dead

The future has all the best murdery devices

So, you see, without the tools of the future, I’d be food for all SORTS of horrible creatures.*****

*****Like itty bitty insects. Which are the most dangerous kind.

(P.S. – Hi Internet. I missed you. Please still read my blog. <3)

27 thoughts on “I’m Not Prone To Hyperbole*, but in Any Other Era, I Would Probably be Dead

  1. Hi there! I followed you many months ago, because yours is such a happy, fun blog! But just as soon as I did, you stopped posting 😦
    I am thrilled to have you back, Cait! Hope to see more of you! Cheers πŸ™‚

  2. Hey! I’ve missed you too! Welcome back and yeah, when you said the first line about showerheads, I was concerned about how this post would go…not that I should have doubted you at all.

    A talking bug would scare me too πŸ™‚

    • I know! My boyfriend eyed me suspiciously when I was scribbling down the notes for this post…but clearly, showerheads have just gotten a very awkward reputation. They’re good for so many things! Killing bugs, cleaning the shower without scrubbing…winning water fights…

      I’m so glad to be back – I missed you too!

  3. Yeay! You are here in the inter web again!
    My morning hair is a mystery too…right now half is fluffy and curly, half is flat and for some unknown reason it is all stl wet despite washing it 9 hours ago!!
    Also, I have been in the future for ages and there are no flying cars or transporters…I want a transporter…they have hand detecting taps though so Pierson detecting showers must exist…

  4. I survived a similar situation just the other day! Though my shower head is not fancy and detachable. Luckily, it still swiveled just enough for me to aim at the evil creepy-crawly lurking in my shower and trigger its ultimate demise. I did feel slightly guilty afterward though.

    Glad to see you weren’t permanently banned from the Internet or something!

    • Eek! No detachable shower head?! I hope it’s got really great bug-murdering water pressure. I probably would have just decided it wasn’t worth showering/rinsing off soap/doing anything besides fleeing.

      And thanks πŸ™‚ I figured if I didn’t come back soon, I WOULD be banned!

  5. Your bug suspiciously looks like the pebbles you used to draw. Just with legs. Oh my God, do pebbles grow legs where you live? I am mortified! :O

  6. You are back!!! Welcome back to the interwebs.
    The only thing worse than a bug in the shower, Is when you have a bug in the shower and now removable shower head to kill it with.

    I swear its is like the hunger games every time that happens.

    • Thanks! I’m SO glad to finally be back. I was slowly going crazy(er).

      It’s worse than the hunger games when that happens, though – the hunger games arena wasn’t slippery ALL over.

  7. You see, this is why I have a two bathroom apartment. When a potential murderer-bug invades my shower, I hop out and run to the other. Then I refuse to use or look at or in the bug-infested bathtub for about a week.

      • You’re right, the tub is no good, but in a pinch holding your head under the faucet of a deep kitchen sink works to rinse out any soap, double works if there’s a handy-dandy sprayer-thingy. πŸ™‚

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