Emergency preparedness is important

Or: But it’s a little different if you’re pretty far away from the disaster area

Every now and then, we all have to deal with impending natural disasters. A particularly vicious one has been in the news lately, flying at my state like a ninja star from the sky.


The danger zone is actually catastrophically dangerous, and this post is not about that zone. This is about the blue X.

Lucky for us, we live hundreds of miles inland, far outside of the danger zone. The biggest dangers for us are power outages or trees falling down.*
*We live in a place filled with the tallest, bendiest, most terrifying pine trees known to man. They exist exclusively to make everyone panic when the wind blows.


I did not grow up in hurricane country.

Even this far away from the coast, though, disaster preparations have been in full swing. Grocery stores have been out of eggs, milk* and bottled water for a week.
*For emergency french toast parties, obviously.

This is not the first weather-related emergency preparation event that my husband and I have gone through, however. Many years ago*, I volunteered for the task of preparing our home for a possible power outage.
*Like maybe 2 and a half, tops. 


Such trust!

And I did. I made a list. I went shopping. Supplies were obtained and stocked in the house.


I also made sure to unpack the most important supplies before my husband got home.



Can’t you just feel the overwhelming confidence?

This is a possibly accurate recreation of this power outage in our home. Perhaps you, too, can be as prepared in future circumstances:



No one knows if you’re utilizing ladylike eating habits when the power goes out.


You will notice that we clearly already owned a flashlight. Boy Scouts would envy this level of preparation.

I should probably help clarify things by illustrating what was on the floor behind me:





This is an accurate representation of how I do not blink while staring into flashlights.


For those of you who are lost, this provides important context.


It is important not to throw ice cream in the dark.


Completely worth it.

So next time you’re picking up your emergency supplies, and you’re frustrated by all the things the store is already sold out of…consider what we learned from Jurassic Park: Ice cream is rarely sold out, tastes delicious when melting, and is actually best enjoyed during power outages.

Spare no expense when it comes to emergency supplies, you guys.

All fun and games aside, Hurricane Florence has wrecked real havoc on the homes and lives of so many people. You can be awesome and help those in need by giving to charities like All Hands and Hearts, or the Red Cross. I joke because my city regularly panics over even the most basic weather situations, but hurricanes really are no joke. It’s more important than ever to help our fellow humans out right now.

I’ve Been a Little Bit of a Procrastinator…

Or: Holy Smokes, Guys. Has It Really Been This Long?


"Site Closed" is like "Caution" tape, but for the internet

Seriously. It’s been like, two years. TWO.




Uh oh.


Easiest. Doodle. Ever.

This can’t be good.


This bit right here. Just this bit. You can have the rest.*

*If you promise to be very, very responsible with it.

Well, it can’t be good for you.


But it might be!

But it’s definitely good for me.

Mostly because I really need to get all these colorful post-its off my desk and on to the Internet. It’s the only safe place for them.


Technology Is Starting to Ruin My Understanding of…Technology

Or: Why Using the Thing on the Computer that Fixes the other Things on the Computer Is Probably Making Me Dumber

Technology and I have a rocky, one-sided relationship. I need it (for controlling the air conditioner, which saves me from The South, and knowing all of the things Google can tell me. Plus, I used to use it for dating), but it can’t stand me.

Give technology the love it deserves

What? Don’t you hug your laptop?

When I went to college, I started my studies as a Computer Science major. By my logic, there was no way I could go wrong with something that has “computer” and “science” right in the title. It’ll be amazing*, I thought. It’ll be fun!
Double wrong.

Ok, not really, but it's fun to think so, right?

This provides an illustrated guide to my pre-college Computer Science understanding.

What it actually was was a whole lot of math. And calculus.***
***Pure evil, masquerading as advanced math.

Unicorns have no place in math

I had very strong opinions regarding the idea of “imaginary numbers.” If they’;re imaginary, then I can imagine them any way I want.

So I went on to major in English.

English majors love books.

I express my feelings by hugging inanimate objects. You may have noticed.

The inner workings of computers became a growing world of continuous, easily breakable mystery.

#%$! blue screen

It’s only the Blue Screen of Misery because “Blue Screen of horrible data failure, swear words, disappointment and tears” didn’t fit.

Thankfully, there is a magic tool designed for people like me, who think computers crash out of spite. It pops up, runs diagnostics, and sometimes fixes the problem entirely – while I do nothing.

It makes me feel like a wizard.

And they were classy

Today’s brief history lesson: Prior to Harry Potter, y’all, costume wizard robes were traditionally covered in stars and moons, and involved pointy hats.

It is possibly the second-most amazing thing that my computer can do.****
****Besides Internet, obviously.

But it has also destroyed my scientific view of technology.

And pockets. Wizard-me is missing out on pockets

Science-me requires glasses to look smart.
Wizard-me clearly does not care about the importance of appearing intellectual.

That is why I will probably not be any help with Applooglesoft takes over the world.

It’s ok, though. I already have a plan for that.

I’m Not Prone To Hyperbole*, but in Any Other Era, I Would Probably be Dead

Or: Why the Wand Thingie in the Shower is the Greatest Invention in the World

*Yes, yes I am. Don’t let me lie to you like that.

It occurs to me on a remarkably regular basis that if I was living in another era (say, for example, Victorian times, when “pants” was a dirty word and people wore clothes with eighteen billion heavy layers), I would not survive, much less thrive. I’m a product of The Future, and I love it here.**

**Even though I’m still mysteriously lacking my flying car. I’m waiting, Google.

Don’t worry. I have a helpful example to share with you to demonstrate my very limited technological-survival time range.

We’ve previously discussed that I am not a morning person. I love sleeping with a deep, abiding passion, and I view the morning sun as my arch nemesis. Things are even worse when I have to get up before the sun has started to peek over the horizon.

Curtains are the best invention

For the purposes of this demonstration, let’s pretend that I don’t have blackout curtains that deny the sun the ability to enter my bedroom. Let’s pretend together.

If I have to get up before the sun, I’m forced to acknowledge that morning is not the sun’s fault, and that really ruins my arch-nemesis-hating.

On the other hand, we all know who the true enemy is in the morning:

The alarm clock is evil

Yes. Early O’clock is a legitimate time. My alarm clock declares it to be so every morning.

You’re not fooling anyone by pretending to be helpful, Alarm Clock.


Nothing gets the adrenaline going in the morning quite like the sound of my alarm clock. It probably also doubles as an impending nuclear war alert.

The morning is a confusing time for me, which probably just highlights the fact that in the days of cavemen and super-predators, I would have been a delicious morning meal.

Confused in the morning

I also sound like a zombie when I walk. And look like one. I really don’t know what happens to my hair when I sleep.

My general level of morning awareness hovers right between “completely oblivious” and “just awake enough to not walk into things.”


This is an accurate depiction of my morning in-the-shower pose.

Which is incidentally low enough on the awareness scale to be completely confused when the shower does not automagically turn on. I mean, this is The Future, right?

The shower does not know you want to be clean

Ok, we should probably invent me-sensing showers before we invent flying cars. Get on it, Google.

Eventually, though, I successfully manage to both turn the shower on and hurl soap at myself.

Drawing soapy hair is hard.

This is as close as the Internet will ever get to seeing me in the shower. You’re all welcome.

On this one fateful day that we’re discussing, however, I discovered that my lack of awareness in the morning had delivered me into the grasp of a horrifying nightmare.

Dun dun. Dun dun. Dun dun dun dun dun...

This is how you end up with soap in your eyes at 5:30 in the morning.

The most terrifying, horrifying thing that can happen to a girl in the shower outside of a Hitchcock film:



In any other time period, this would have been the end of me***. This enthusiastic insect was sharing the tiny box of a shower with me. And guys. GUYS. He’d been there the. Whole. Time.

***Seriously. No hyperbole or exaggeration at all. At. All.

And my boyfriend says it makes me look very pretty.

This is my grown-up tough-girl face.

Since my first survival technique is “close your eyes tightly and pretend you are still sleeping, and then it will be a dream,” this could have been a very dangerous situation. Then, however, something occurred to me. Something important. Something life-saving.

Down the drain!

You’re feeling bad for the bug, aren’t you?
Don’t let him trick you. You can’t trust anything with more than four legs, and he had like, 80.

It occurred to me that the inventors of my modern shower had already thought through this situation. They’d invented the perfect bug-removal device.****

****DO NOT GOOGLE “Uses for shower wand.” THE INTERNET IS WRONG. It is for killing bugs.

Otherwise I'd be dead

The future has all the best murdery devices

So, you see, without the tools of the future, I’d be food for all SORTS of horrible creatures.*****

*****Like itty bitty insects. Which are the most dangerous kind.

(P.S. – Hi Internet. I missed you. Please still read my blog. <3)

You Probably Should Not Give Me Things in Tupperware

Confession time, guys.

This is my serious confession face

This is my serious confession face

You should know: I am never going to give you back your Tupperware.

Tupperware is harder to draw than cars. Apparently I think it looks like a tissue box. It's Tupperware, people.

Tupperware is harder to draw than cars. Apparently I think it looks like a tissue box. It’s Tupperware, people.

It’s not that I want it. Left to my own devices, I don’t even USE Tupperware.*
*Ziploc bags and glass dishes 4 life, yo.

What, do you not recycle via vat?

What, do you not recycle via vat?

But I am never, ever going to give it back to you.

I'm just being honest here, people. Because I care. And because you all seem to care a LOT about Tupperware.

I’m just being honest here, people. Because I care. And because you all seem to care a LOT about Tupperware.

I am going to forget it in my sink.

I have places to be because I am busy and important, but mostly because I forget to do dishes a lot.

I have places to be because I am busy and important, but mostly because I forget to do dishes a lot.

I am going to forget it on my counter.

I run a lot of places. And also can hover off the ground.

I run a lot of places. And also can hover off the ground.

I am going to forget it in my car.

I'm not getting any better at drawing cars.

I’m not getting any better at drawing cars.

It will clutter my life throughout my slow-motion, forgetful quest to return it to you.

So instead, I am just going to tell you now: If you give me Tupperware**, I am never going to give it back.
**Gladware, Ruppermaid, Ziploc Boxes…I’m not brand biased.



I am going to wash it out.

This is an entire post involving things I cannot draw. Sponges. Sinks. Tupperware. Cars....

This is an entire post involving things I cannot draw. Sponges. Sinks. Tupperware. Cars….

And use it to build a plastic fortress. For protection. In case of zombies. Or rebellious leftovers. Lots of things are thwarted by fortresses, guys.

This is my focused fortress-building face.

This is my focused fortress-building face.

So you have been warned.

Tupperware fortresses need windows or the plastic will suffocate you. Duh.

Tupperware fortresses need windows or the plastic will suffocate you. Duh.