Or: Why Using the Thing on the Computer that Fixes the other Things on the Computer Is Probably Making Me Dumber

Technology and I have a rocky, one-sided relationship. I need it (for controlling the air conditioner, which saves me from The South, and knowing all of the things Google can tell me. Plus, I used to use it for dating), but it can’t stand me.

What? Don’t you hug your laptop?

When I went to college, I started my studies as a Computer Science major. By my logic, there was no way I could go wrong with something that has “computer” and “science” right in the title. It’ll be amazing*, I thought. It’ll be fun!
*Wrong.
Double wrong.

This provides an illustrated guide to my pre-college Computer Science understanding.

What it actually was was a whole lot of math. And calculus.***
***Pure evil, masquerading as advanced math.

I had very strong opinions regarding the idea of “imaginary numbers.” If they’;re imaginary, then I can imagine them any way I want.

So I went on to major in English.

I express my feelings by hugging inanimate objects. You may have noticed.

The inner workings of computers became a growing world of continuous, easily breakable mystery.

It’s only the Blue Screen of Misery because “Blue Screen of horrible data failure, swear words, disappointment and tears” didn’t fit.

Thankfully, there is a magic tool designed for people like me, who think computers crash out of spite. It pops up, runs diagnostics, and sometimes fixes the problem entirely – while I do nothing.

It makes me feel like a wizard.

Today’s brief history lesson: Prior to Harry Potter, y’all, costume wizard robes were traditionally covered in stars and moons, and involved pointy hats.

It is possibly the second-most amazing thing that my computer can do.****
****Besides Internet, obviously.

But it has also destroyed my scientific view of technology.

Science-me requires glasses to look smart.
Wizard-me clearly does not care about the importance of appearing intellectual.

That is why I will probably not be any help with Applooglesoft takes over the world.

It’s ok, though. I already have a plan for that.