Or: Why I’m Slowly Dying of Malnourishment
Look, guys. I’ve told you over and over and over again that I am an adult.* With adult responsibilities and clothes** and stuff. I am very proud of all my grown up life skills.
*So it MUST be true. Obviously.
**Which are sometimes even on not-inside-out.
But every time I walk into the grocery store, I’m immediately six years old again. I’m wide-eyed in wonder at shelves upon shelves of food options and new taste adventures.***
***And all of the candy.
Watching me walk into a grocery store is probably a lot like watching the little squeaky green aliens in Toy Story stare at The Claw. “OooOoOOoooo….”
There are just so many options. My grocery store has eight different kinds of pre-popped popcorn. Popcorn, guys. Ingredients don’t even need to be involved. It’s literally popped corn. And yet somehow, eight feels like a shockingly small amount of options, given the fact that they have a wall of marshmallows and two complete aisles dedicated to candy.
I have a tendency to frolic through the aisles. Don’t try it at home, kids.
So when I go to the grocery store, I always go prepared. I carefully go around my home and scribble down all the things I actually need. I plan out meals I think I’d like to eat. I brainstorm healthy options and I try to keep the list short. If the list is short, obviously the shopping will be fast, and I won’t get distracted.
It’s important to consult your list BEFORE the shopping process begins.
Then it’s time to shop. Things just go all wrong when it’s time to shop. It starts out small – tossing an box of Rice Krispies and a pack of marshmallows into my cart just in case I need a fast dessert to take somewhere.**** Then things get worse – like when you grab three kinds of cake mix so you can compare and contrast their benefits. And when you go down the cookie aisle for completely legitimate reasons, you can’t leave the Birthday Cake Oreos behind. I mean, they have “birthday cake” in the title. It would be rude.
****Because who KNOWS when parties could happen?! And it would be crass not to take something. And if I don’t go to a party, I could always make them for me…
Goodbye list. Hello, bankruptcy.
By the time I make it to the checkout line, a strange thing has occurred. My cart is full, so I’m sure I must be good at grocery shopping. But at the same time, I’m also pretty sure I didn’t buy anything on my list.*****
*****This explains why I never, ever have paper towels, people-who-come-over-to-my-house. I’m very sorry. They’re just down a really boring aisle.
The checkout people look at you funny if you say “boop” every time they scan something.
I will not tell you how I know this.
Leaving the grocery store is a sad experience, but I always look forward to all the delicious food I’ll be making through the week.
Then I get home and unpack all my bags.
And realize I’ve bought nothing but snack food, and no actual meal ingredients.
If you look in my pantry-shelf, you will probably think that Hot Tamales are a legitimate dinner-making ingredient.
It’s a mystery how I can shop so much, and yet have so little food to eat.
Perpetual Plot Hole 
I thought it was just ME!! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Ha! I’m glad I’m not alone here, because it always seems like the store is full of responsible shoppers – except for me! 😉
My children actually keep me on the straight and narrow. Not because they DON’T want to buy the junk food, but because if they saw me buy it, I’d have to share it. That is why I have nothing but hummus and veggies and yogurt.
Seriously, consider borrowing a kid to take grocery shopping. The mom might even thank you for taking her kid for an hour by making you Rice Krispies treats.
Actually, that is a completely brilliant idea. Just the threat of having to share and then watch a sugar-filled tiny person might be enough to chase me away from the bad-for-me foods,,,,maybe….
One of those cooking challenge shows should do an episode with Hot Tamales as the secret ingredient.
Triscuits are a given if I am the store. Or generic “Basket Weave Crackers” if I am at the cheap store.
They’re just so good with all kinds of cheese! (Triscuits. Not hot tamales. I’ve tried that. It is not a good combination.)
Well, that might be a problem I don’t encounter. At least with groceries. I will not say the same about a record store though. But with groceries I am fine. That’s where my inner German (I don’t let him out often – he’s weird) and me being male transform into responsible-adultosaurus (is that a good transformer-like name?). However, the radar is off on ONE item. I am forever next to the cheese aisle thinking “Oh, still need cheese!” just to realise back home that I never really eat cheese and this is now the 15th pack of the stuff blocking my fridge.
This is my life nine times out of ten at the grocery store. So glad I’m not alone!
Ha! I wish more people like us would shop at my grocery store. I would feel way less alone!
Does it ever happen that you buy healthy options and the non healthy ones and end up consuming the non healthy ones urself and healthy ones just decorate my shelves…I buy healthy options and make my friends and family have it…I often motivate them or force them sometimes 😉
Heehee – you’re such a share-er. I experiment on my friends with weird diet foods – like those no-calorie noodles everyone was nuts for awhile back. I made stir fry and had people over just so I wouldn’t have to eat it alone…but all the healthy things I get are always spoil-able, so I have to eat them or toss them.
They make terrible decorations when they go all wilt-y and mold-y 😉
Hahaha…I am sooo missing a like button out here. Wanted to like this reply of urs…can relate myself to such experiments of urs. 😉
Ummm…hot tamales ARE a legitimate dinner making ingredient!!!! And since you brought up the grocery shopping….I feel your pain (or pleasure..lol). Don’t spread this around, but if I DON’T bring one of my kids, I end up shopping like a 16 yo with the munchies. Seriously. It’s a sad, sad state. My daughter actually panics when she goes out of town because she thinks I won’t eat anything but junk… (I lie, and tell her I do. Shhhhh).
This totally cracks me up – I had NO idea that kids were such a great tactic for healthy shopping!
And you’re so right about hot tamales…but if I told people I consider them dinner, I’d be judged!
Love love love! Your ‘running in the aisle’ picture is officially my new favourite! I wonder if there is a way I can print it out! ❤
xoxo
Olena
Heeheehee. Thanks! I’m glad – it’s probably my most elaborate nonsense doodle 🙂
❤ you, as always!
I go shop like a mofo-ing BOSS, but then my food sits at home while I go out to eat all week. That way I don’t have to shop for, like, two more weeks. (When we run out of dog food. That’s what finally pressures me to go shopping again. -_-)
Also, did you know you shop at the Yrecorg store? Hahaha sorry to point it out, but I got a kick out of it when I realized lol
Oh my goodness!! The Girl Who Speaks To Herself (and the girl that I’ve literally just crossed paths with last night when she somehow found me) filled out my little survey (entitled “Who’s Reading This Quirkiness”) and left your blog as her favorite. I am THRILLED she did. This was hysterical. I can tell I am going to feel very comfortable here. Sooooooooo many chords are striking (humor-wise but also real life wise!) that I’ve turned into a player piano. Can’t wait to click, “Follow!”
Take care,
Stephanie
ps. the real joy of blogging is making discoveries like you.
I couldn’t be happier you found your way here! (Thanks, The Girl Who Speaks To Herself! )
I’m always tickled pink to find out someone likes reading my blog – and I always love a follow!
(P.S.- You’re totally right. Finding new bloggers, and diving into such a community, is pretty much the best thing ever.)
It was really funny ! x)
I can’t share this kind of “experience” you talk in your article (I live in France, grocery stores aren’t so popular in our country or rather, there are not grocery stores) but I can say that when I was younger, (I’m actually 16) I had the same feeling while I was with my mother in supermarkets, I’ve got rid of it today. It’s not as bad as malnourishment, it’s simply something you have to control, even if it seems very hard. You are aware of that, it’s a beginning you know ! x)
See you !
I took French in high school and college, and I’m totally a sucker for the non-grocery-store culture, but it’s hard to trump the convenience and the horrifying number of choices 🙂
I know what you mean, I love (junk) food so much and it could be a danger for the owners of a grocery store to let me alone a while, really… x)
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