Or: Why I’m Slowly Dying of Malnourishment

Look, guys. I’ve told you over and over and over again that I am an adult.* With adult responsibilities and clothes** and stuff. I am very proud of all my grown up life skills.
*So it MUST be true. Obviously.
**Which are sometimes even on not-inside-out.

But every time I walk into the grocery store, I’m immediately six years old again. I’m wide-eyed in wonder at shelves upon shelves of food options and new taste adventures.***
***And all of the candy.

Watching me walk into a grocery store is probably a lot like watching the little squeaky green aliens in Toy Story stare at The Claw. “OooOoOOoooo….”

There are just so many options. My grocery store has eight different kinds of pre-popped popcorn. Popcorn, guys. Ingredients don’t even need to be involved. It’s literally popped corn. And yet somehow, eight feels like a shockingly small amount of options, given the fact that they have a wall of marshmallows and two complete aisles dedicated to candy.

I have a tendency to frolic through the aisles. Don’t try it at home, kids.

So when I go to the grocery store, I always go prepared. I carefully go around my home and scribble down all the things I actually need. I plan out meals I think I’d like to eat. I brainstorm healthy options and I try to keep the list short. If the list is short, obviously the shopping will be fast, and I won’t get distracted.

It’s important to consult your list BEFORE the shopping process begins.

Then it’s time to shop. Things just go all wrong when it’s time to shop. It starts out small – tossing an box of Rice Krispies and a pack of marshmallows into my cart just in case I need a fast dessert to take somewhere.**** Then things get worse – like when you grab three kinds of cake mix so you can compare and contrast their benefits. And when you go down the cookie aisle for completely legitimate reasons, you can’t leave the Birthday Cake Oreos behind. I mean, they have “birthday cake” in the title. It would be rude.
****Because who KNOWS when parties could happen?! And it would be crass not to take something. And if I don’t go to a party, I could always make them for me…

Goodbye list. Hello, bankruptcy.

By the time I make it to the checkout line, a strange thing has occurred. My cart is full, so I’m sure I must be good at grocery shopping. But at the same time, I’m also pretty sure I didn’t buy anything on my list.*****
*****This explains why I never, ever have paper towels, people-who-come-over-to-my-house. I’m very sorry. They’re just down a really boring aisle.

The checkout people look at you funny if you say “boop” every time they scan something.
I will not tell you how I know this.

Leaving the grocery store is a sad experience, but I always look forward to all the delicious food I’ll be making through the week.

Then I get home and unpack all my bags.

And realize I’ve bought nothing but snack food, and no actual meal ingredients.

If you look in my pantry-shelf, you will probably think that Hot Tamales are a legitimate dinner-making ingredient.

It’s a mystery how I can shop so much, and yet have so little food to eat.