I Have Never Outgrown Grocery Store Excitement

Or: Why I’m Slowly Dying of Malnourishment

Look, guys. I’ve told you over and over and over again that I am an adult.* With adult responsibilities and clothes** and stuff. I am very proud of all my grown up life skills.
*So it MUST be true. Obviously.
**Which are sometimes even on not-inside-out.

But every time I walk into the grocery store, I’m immediately six years old again. I’m wide-eyed in wonder at shelves upon shelves of food options and new taste adventures.***
***And all of the candy.

Also, sliding doors are cool

Watching me walk into a grocery store is probably a lot like watching the little squeaky green aliens in Toy Story stare at The Claw. “OooOoOOoooo….”

There are just so many options. My grocery store has eight different kinds of pre-popped popcorn. Popcorn, guys. Ingredients don’t even need to be involved. It’s literally popped corn. And yet somehow, eight feels like a shockingly small amount of options, given the fact that they have a wall of marshmallows and two complete aisles dedicated to candy.


I have a tendency to frolic through the aisles. Don’t try it at home, kids.

So when I go to the grocery store, I always go prepared. I carefully go around my home and scribble down all the things I actually need. I plan out meals I think I’d like to eat. I brainstorm healthy options and I try to keep the list short. If the list is short, obviously the shopping will be fast, and I won’t get distracted.

Ok. The list is really on my smartphone

It’s important to consult your list BEFORE the shopping process begins.

Then it’s time to shop. Things just go all wrong when it’s time to shop. It starts out small – tossing an box of Rice Krispies and a pack of marshmallows into my cart just in case I need a fast dessert to take somewhere.**** Then things get worse – like when you grab three kinds of cake mix so you can compare and contrast their benefits. And when you go down the cookie aisle for completely legitimate reasons, you can’t leave the Birthday Cake Oreos behind. I mean, they have “birthday cake” in the title. It would be rude.
****Because who KNOWS when parties could happen?! And it would be crass not to take something. And if I don’t go to a party, I could always make them for me…

Disclaimer: This is a bad idea

Goodbye list. Hello, bankruptcy.

By the time I make it to the checkout line, a strange thing has occurred. My cart is full, so I’m sure I must be good at grocery shopping. But at the same time, I’m also pretty sure I didn’t buy anything on my list.*****
*****This explains why I never, ever have paper towels, people-who-come-over-to-my-house. I’m very sorry. They’re just down a really boring aisle.

Boooop. Booooop.

The checkout people look at you funny if you say “boop” every time they scan something.
I will not tell you how I know this.

Leaving the grocery store is a sad experience, but I always look forward to all the delicious food I’ll be making through the week.

Then I get home and unpack all my bags.

And realize I’ve bought nothing but snack food, and no actual meal ingredients.

Don't you write "pantry" on your pantry?

If you look in my pantry-shelf, you will probably think that Hot Tamales are a legitimate dinner-making ingredient.

It’s a mystery how I can shop so much, and yet have so little food to eat.

I Am Not in Favor of Filled Sugar Products

When I was a child, Gushers were new. Or, at least they were a very big deal. Sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference. These tiny hexagons of sugar were my first introduction to “sugar objects filled with goo juice,” and it was not a pleasant experience.

Ew ew ew ew

These are Gushers, if somehow you missed the mid-to-late 80s and all of the 90s.
Click for source!

Now, as a sugar-addicted child, one would assume that I would have jumped at the chance to eat anything filled with EXTRA sugar. And I did. After begging my parents profusely*, they humored my commercial-driven need to try these tasty treats.

*Marching behind them in the grocery store chanting “MomDadMomDadMomDad” at full volume. I’m a polite and effective beggar.

Only, they weren’t tasty. The filling was TOO sweet, and also oddly textured. The way it sort of squashed and then leaked fruit-ish flavor all over my mouth was disconcerting. It was a horrifying surprise, like going to hug your doctor and ending up getting a shot**.

On the other hand, I didn't get the measles.


**THAT WAS A DIRTY TRICK, DOCTOR KNICKERBOCKER, you mothersneezin’ trickster.

I have hated all goo-filled candies ever since. Whether it’s sweet or sour, fruit flavored or chocolate, I am just not a fan. In fact, if Wilford Brimley REALLY wanted to stop me from getting diabetes***, he’d stop volleying for Liberty Medical to deliver drugs to my door, and just ban all candies that didn’t have some sort of gooshy filling.****

***Sorry. I mean Diabeetus.
****While I am medically aware that this is not how one gets diabetes, and that there are other types of diabetes that people are born with, this does not stop me from propagating the scientifically inaccurate belief that eating sugar directly results in diabetes. Because rumors are fun and never problematic.

But I have learned I am alone in this.


How did these ads not scar all of us for life? I really don’t want to turn into a raspberry. I saw Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory.
Click for source.

All my friends, and apparently the Internet, are nuts for sugar-with-more-sugar-inside. How do I know? Well, the Internet includes directions for this:

More Ew Ew Ew

Seriously. This is a thing someone made. And presumably ate.
Guys. This HAPPENED to someone.
Click for source and instructions. You’re welcome.

This left me speechless. Until my further Googling led me down the rabbit hole. The rabbit hole apparently leads to a place called “Fruitsnackia.” And it is disturbing.

I do this for a living

Because these days, we need to clarify to children that giving fruit snacks names and a homeland doesn’t mean you shouldn’t eat them. It’s just advertising.
Click for source.

And IN Fruitsnackia lives Larry.

This has scarred me for LIFE.

Meet Larry. In the introduction animation, he taps his side and then drinks his own delicious gooey insides.
Click for source. I dare you.

I don’t even…I…he…but…that isn’t even ENGLISH. I’m not sure whether “gush” is a threat, a come-on, or a state of being. It’s pretty concerning though. And what’s more concerning is that people keep buying filled candies. No matter how gross or creepy they get, there are other candy makers out there waiting to add options to the market:

Ew Ew Ew Ew Ew

I stole this picture from my friend who enjoys these probably-poisonous snacks. I am sharing it with you out of concern.

This picture unsettles me for two reasons. One, we all know that the only real red licorice is a Red Vine, and two, Twizzlers is expanding the filled-candy market further. I am growing more alone in my stand against inner-candy-goo by the second.

But don’t worry. There’s still hope for future generations. Because the terrifying land of Fruitsnackia yells at your children***** to take a break and go outside and play.

*****And me.

Hurray for health!

I still don’t know what “gush” means in this context.

Because if you’re on a website that brings to mind a cannibalistic acid trip, chances are. you need a breather pretty frequently. Apparently.

Juice Boxes Are Superior to Soda Cans

And I stand by my argument.

I am too busy to blog today.*
I have to travel for work** and am much too important to provide amusement.***

*Nevermind that I am writing this before “today” is happening.
**This makes me sound important. Translation? I have to drive three hours to run an errand for my office.
***I am a terrible liar. Providing amusement is my favorite thing.

So here are some pictures of things you can do with a juice box if you’re trapped in the office, waiting for other people to finish projects so you can go home.

Alternatively, I was going to name him Ted.

Meet Cranberry. Cranberry the Juicebox. Cranberry the Juicebox, last of his line. (He was the last one in the break room fridge.)

1. You can find odd flavors of juice boxes. You never know what’s going to be hiding in your office refrigerator. Soda is just so predictableSo the first thing you can do is name your juice box. Obviously, I got creative and named mine Cranberry.

Everyone say “hi Cranberry.”

Or are they?

Friends 4 Ever

2. You can introduce Cranberry – or whatever you named your lesser juice box – to your desk monster.

Everyone say “hi Lenny (the Xenomorph desk monster)”

Desk monsters are bad at love.

Desk monsters are bad at love.

3. You can make Lenny, your desk monster, and Cranberry, your juice box fight.
NOTE: Do not let your coworkers catch you doing this. They get…concerned.

His brains! His brains!

Taking this picture actually kind of disturbed me. You’re welcome, you guys.

4. You can share Cranberry, your juice box, with your desk monster Lenny.
NOTE: This has concerning implications about your mental state, and your ability to recognize inanimate objects as inanimate.

This is a very dramatic moment


5. You can tape a face on Cranberry, your now-deceased juice box, when you realize that sharing juice with Lenny, your never-was-alive desk monster, means he runs OUT of juice. So tragic.
NOTE: This is an improper use of Post-Its.

Squishing juice boxes is super fun

Poor Cranberry. He lived such a short and delicious life.

6. You can crush your juice box to display proper mourning. And also to suck out the last of the juice trapped in the bottom.


  1. Juice boxes are more fun than I remembered
  2. Drinking a juice box in an office environment is disconcerting
  3. This blog post is longer than a lot of other blog posts I’ve written, despite me obviously not having time to blog today
  4. I swear to you no one was around when I did all this. I’m not totally insane you guys.****

****The South said I have to stop writing “y’all” down, because it’s “not a written word.” I seriously had no idea, y’all. You learn something every day.

Everyone in My Office Is on a Diet

Alternative Title: Why I Went Home and Made Junk Food Last Night

Seriously. They’re counting calories; I’m experimenting with hot sugar in my kitchen. It’s like some kind of instinctive response to the people around me obsessing about numbers on the scale.*

In response to this in-office diet craze, where everyone is eating scads of steamed broccoli and cringing while staring at the break room candy with longing, I went home last night and made marshmallows.

Peanut butter “swirled” marshmallows.

With chocolate on them.

This is not what my marshmallows look like.

This is what chocolate covered, peanut butter filled marshmallows look like…if you know what you’re doing and use a recipe.
*Courtesy of Fancy Toast. Click to discover delicious.

Admittedly, I did it with the same level of artistry as the entire Nailed It! section of Pinterest.

But anyway, they’re totally delicious.

So here’s how you make marshmallows if you’re also watching TV and eating all the ingredients at the same time.

1: Evaluate possible recipes.

2: Disregard all recipes and decide to wing it, based on what you remember about the recipe you used last time.

3: Assemble ingredients you think you’ll need. Replace the raw honey you used last time with Karo syrup and sugar in whatever amount you feel like. Because, you know, we’re not going for natural or healthy here.

Valentine's Day Toaster Not Included

Everything you need to make marshmallow blobs.

4: Dump gelatin into your mixer with some cold water. Stare at it for awhile, while making a “gross” face. Poke it once or twice to make sure it’s not alive.

Probably The Blob's Offspring

When you poke it, it sort of gooshes AND wobbles.

5: Since the gelatin didn’t attack you or eat your poking finger (which is super definitely extra washed and hygienic), ignore it and dump the sugar, karo syrup and water into your pre-prepared pot on the stove. Turn on the heat and stick your preposterously sized candy thermometer in the mix.

This picture is why there is a glob of sugar cemented on my phone

This pot is actually too big for this task, but turns out sugar, corn syrup and water don;t boil up the same way honey does. Science!

6: When the candy thermometer says the boiling substance will melt all your skin off, but won’t form a hard ball in water, pull it off the heat. Then, pour it down the side of your mixer into the gelatin, with the mixer going on low or medium. Or, if you have my ancient mixer, make sure it’s going on any speed it’s willing to work on.

Actually, I didn't eat the syrup. I couldn't get it off the bowl.

Point of fact: It is only AFTER you eat cemented sugar that you will remember you have a dentist appointment in the morning.

7: Fetch peanut butter. Then, fetch more peanut butter because you ate the spoonfuls you set aside for marshmallow making.

A peanut allergy would literally kill me

It’s peanut butter!

8: When marshmallow fluff is successfully whipped into coolness, mix a third of it with peanut butter.

This is how you get Diabeetus

Be sure to eat any fluff that happens to stick to the mixer attachment.

9: Spread the marshmallow fluff in your pre-prepared pan, and attempt to swirl the way-too-cooled-for-this peanut butter fluff in too. Smack the whole thing a few times with your spatula, then decide you don’t care if it’s ugly, because you’re going to make them beautiful by dipping them in chocolate.

...I am totally keeping my day job

Total artistry, I know. I could probably give up my day job and rely solely on my marshmallow making. _Definitely_ Also, be sure that all pictures of marshmallow blobs are blurry.

10: Eat disgusting lime jello while you wait for marshmallows to set.

There is not always room for jello

This ALSO gooshes and wobbles.

11. Get tired of waiting, and chop up marshmallows after 2 hours instead of the needed 3-4.

This is why we can't have nice things.

Alternatively, you could probably just eat the whole blob.

12. Attempt to make chocolate for dipping using only the ingredients you find in your closet and your microwave. Burn two batches of chocolate and hit your head on the microwave door. Melt a third batch, and dump chocolate haphazardly over the marshmallows because now you just want to go to bed.

Still totally. Freakin'. Delicious.

This is why I will not be giving up my day job for confectionery artistry.

Know what? They taste totally amazing though.

Anyway, other people’s diets are bad for my health, so if you could all just start loving yourselves, I’d appreciate it.

*This is totally ridiculous to me.We all want to be thinner, prettier, fitter, but how is subjecting each other to weekly weigh-ins in the workplace, while demanding total secrecy about that number on the scale, improving anyone’s health?

If a woman somehow looked like supermodel, but happened to weigh 300 pounds, I’d just be impressed by her ability to store mass. I mean, she’d be a science magician. But for the most part…we see each other every day. You can look at someone and have a rough understanding of their body weight.**

**Unless you’re me, and you ignore math and science completely and just make things up.

The Confection Is an Untruth

Today’s Most Favorite Thing:

Lie Lie Lie

Oh what a delicious-looking…hey, wait!


The Above Cake Is, In Fact, a Lie.

It is also possibly the greatest cake dish of all time. And this, everyone, is why you should go to flea markets, garage sales, antique sales, and sneak into your neighbor’s houses*. People in the long-past (i.e., your grandmother’s day) preemptively knew everything that would be cool today, and they made it already.

*Don’t do this. It’s illegal. And even if you get away with it, it could potentially scar you for life.