Life Lesson: It’s Really Hard to Remember Certain Life Lessons

Life Lesson #417, #1,361, #4, 215, and #7,521: Do not watch scary movies right before bed.*

*Please add one “, you total idiot.” For each subsequent time this life lesson is learned.

In short, I am a total idiot.

When I was a child, I was scared of a ridiculous number of things. Spiders, every insect in the world (including lightening bugs, which is an unfortunate fear for a child living in New Jersey), every single Scary Stories book, Dr. Teeth from The Muppets…They all got under my skin**. This was a problematic condition for a girl who has an older brother and who lived in close proximity to four rowdy (and fun) male cousins.***

**In the context of my childhood nightmares, this is a completely literal statement.
***Who all were definitely not afraid of picking up spiders and using them as projectiles.

Don;t worry. I love Dr. Teeth's bohemian zen now that I am an adult

This is a really terrifying face when you are very small and afraid of being eaten.
Click for Source, which is a super amazing Muppet-focused blog.

I was, however, deeply in love with classic vampires**** and bats. Because, you know, those are healthy obsessions for a child of seven. By the time I was a teenager, I decided that since I clearly was not scared of SOME things that should be scary, I could obviously get over all my fears and be queen of the scary things.*****

****Real vampires never sparkle and totally intend to eat you, but not in a terrifying cannibal way. Cannibalism is a total deal breaker.
*****Why yes, I was goth as a teenager. How did you guess?

I decided I was tougher than tough, and impervious to traditionally scary things. I read horror novels by the bushel******. I daydreamed about how adorable I thought monsters were and how we would totally be friends in real life. I watched every Hellraiser, Alien movie, Friday the 13th, and Halloween movie I could get my hands on.

******Bushels clearly being the most standard unit of measurement for mass quantities of books.

Terrible, terrible survival instincts. GO ALIENS.

It occurs to me that the less coffee I’ve had before randomly drawing stick figures, the weirder my pigtails look.
Also, teenagers have terrible survival instincts.

And promptly relearned a lesson I had learned as a small child: Watching horror movies right before bed leads to horrifying night terrors.

But nevermind that, because suddenly it was time for college. And in college, watching scary movies late at night is a staple of alcohol-fueled idiocy and attempted dates.  Life lesson relearned. Twice.

And now we come to my mid-late 20s.****** Nestled in the soft bosom of adulthood, I am confident in the fact that there are no monsters under my bed. Nothing lives in my closet, waiting to jump out and eat me. There is no serial killer behind the door. My life is remarkably safe.

******Never to be confused with the ACTUAL late 20s, which is 29. Which I am not. Mid-late 20s is totally still young.

So, secure in this knowledge, I settled in to watch The Conjuring late at night, on a work night, by myself, with all the lights off.

I am not so good at great ideas.

Yeah. Nothing could go wrong watching this alone in the dark late at night.

And promptly spent the rest of the night wide awake, certain that invisible-demon-monster-witches had all died in my (built in 2008) apartment complex, and my cat was going to try to kill me if I fell asleep.*******

*******This has pretty much nothing to do with the plot, so don’t worry. No spoilers. You can still watch this alone and in the dark.

Life lesson relearned. Again and again and again.

In other news, this is a real place:


My life was incomplete before I knew there were whole rooms dedicated to trampolines.

So, there’s still hope and joy in the world.

Juice Boxes Are Superior to Soda Cans

And I stand by my argument.

I am too busy to blog today.*
I have to travel for work** and am much too important to provide amusement.***

*Nevermind that I am writing this before “today” is happening.
**This makes me sound important. Translation? I have to drive three hours to run an errand for my office.
***I am a terrible liar. Providing amusement is my favorite thing.

So here are some pictures of things you can do with a juice box if you’re trapped in the office, waiting for other people to finish projects so you can go home.

Alternatively, I was going to name him Ted.

Meet Cranberry. Cranberry the Juicebox. Cranberry the Juicebox, last of his line. (He was the last one in the break room fridge.)

1. You can find odd flavors of juice boxes. You never know what’s going to be hiding in your office refrigerator. Soda is just so predictableSo the first thing you can do is name your juice box. Obviously, I got creative and named mine Cranberry.

Everyone say “hi Cranberry.”

Or are they?

Friends 4 Ever

2. You can introduce Cranberry – or whatever you named your lesser juice box – to your desk monster.

Everyone say “hi Lenny (the Xenomorph desk monster)”

Desk monsters are bad at love.

Desk monsters are bad at love.

3. You can make Lenny, your desk monster, and Cranberry, your juice box fight.
NOTE: Do not let your coworkers catch you doing this. They get…concerned.

His brains! His brains!

Taking this picture actually kind of disturbed me. You’re welcome, you guys.

4. You can share Cranberry, your juice box, with your desk monster Lenny.
NOTE: This has concerning implications about your mental state, and your ability to recognize inanimate objects as inanimate.

This is a very dramatic moment


5. You can tape a face on Cranberry, your now-deceased juice box, when you realize that sharing juice with Lenny, your never-was-alive desk monster, means he runs OUT of juice. So tragic.
NOTE: This is an improper use of Post-Its.

Squishing juice boxes is super fun

Poor Cranberry. He lived such a short and delicious life.

6. You can crush your juice box to display proper mourning. And also to suck out the last of the juice trapped in the bottom.


  1. Juice boxes are more fun than I remembered
  2. Drinking a juice box in an office environment is disconcerting
  3. This blog post is longer than a lot of other blog posts I’ve written, despite me obviously not having time to blog today
  4. I swear to you no one was around when I did all this. I’m not totally insane you guys.****

****The South said I have to stop writing “y’all” down, because it’s “not a written word.” I seriously had no idea, y’all. You learn something every day.