Life Lesson: Sometimes It Is Best to Let People Focus

Life Lesson 7,252: It is not, actually, a good idea to annoy your mechanic.

Last week, I was responsible. I took my car to the mechanic BEFORE I went on my road trip.
Sometimes it happens. Like sometimes, you win at craps, and sometimes your dogs steal your pickup truck, go on a joy ride, and crash into a river. Life is wacky.

I do not recommend hugging your car

Hugging my car is how I know when it needs to be washed.

And then I went on a road trip.

NEVER STOP BELIEVIN'!

I never will. Journey. I never, ever will.

Everything was going fine. I had snacks. I had drinks. I had several layers of clothing on for various temperatures I may encounter. I’d filled up my car with gas and hit the road at a completely reasonable hour.** The drive was going well, when suddenly I encountered an obstacle: The teeny tiny bump created by a seam in the highway.
**Exactly 1 hour after I’d been planning to leave. Which is why I can’t have nice things.

Man, many miles

This gentle bump was really a completely normal road seam on the highway, many miles between exits. This is an important fact.

This should not have been a problem.

It's hard to make happy car-dance hands when something is wrong

I have carefully transcribed the exact noises for your pleasure.

But it was. It was a very noisy problem.

Convinced I was doomed with a flat, I drove on to the nearest exit.*** I coasted into the first gas station I spotted.
***The state of Virginia doesn’t believe in highway shoulders. They do believe in ditches and trees, though. Thanks, Virginia!

It really was in the middle of nowhere

My car looks more ridiculous every time I draw it.

I was on a mission to make it to my destination, so there was no time to call AAA.**** So I suited up for car work:
****Confession: There was totally time. But I wanted to fix it. Because I didn’t get to play with my car and change my own oil.

Of course I keep my car repair headgear in the car. It's the best place for it.

Of course I keep my car repair headgear in the car. It’s the best place for it.

I’d just gotten to work when I heard the Voice of the South speak to me.*****
*****Ok. It wasn’t the Voice of the South. It was a guy in overalls. And no shirt. It was the Voice of the Awkward Southern Stereotype. But that doesn’t sound as important.

Any time I can't see someone speaking to me, I pretend I'm being addressed by ghosts.

Any time I can’t see someone speaking to me, I pretend I’m being addressed by ghosts.

I was charmed by a spontaneous offer for help. It looked like the world was full of wonderful people! But I wanted to fix it myself, and I could see the problem. so I thanked him.

I don't make these things up, people.

I don’t make these things up, people.

It took a second for his words to filter through my ears.

Surely I have misheard this.

Surely I have misheard this.

Apparently the mysterious occurrence of a female-person working on a car attracted more fine and upstanding people with opinions.

I had sharp tools. These are brave men, my friends. Very brave.

I had sharp tools. These are brave men, my friends. Very brave.

This is how my brain reacted:

Grrr, Argh.

Deliverance Country: Don’t stop there. It’s more dangerous than bat country

Then the engine shield******, which had been improperly reattached and was dragging on the ground*******, came loose from the last broken bolt.
******The large plastic piece that is attached to the fenders and front bumper on some cars, beneath the engine.
*******And smacking into my tires. And picking up road litter. And giving me a panic attack.

VICTORY IS MINE!

VICTORY IS MINE!

I felt compelled to show off my victory to my new found audience.

Strangers in Deliverance Country are a little perplexed by grown women who say "Tah DAAAHHH"

Strangers in Deliverance Country are a little perplexed by grown women who say “Tah DAAAHHH”

But I still didn’t want to stick around.******** So I was back on the road before any more lady-lessons were forthcoming.
********I’ve SEEN that movie.

If you sing this song by yourself, you never have to say "no you can't!" You just get to chant "Yes I can Yes I can!" over and over again.

If you sing this song by yourself, you never have to say “no you can’t!” You just get to chant “Yes I can Yes I can!” over and over again.

And then a terrible thought occurred to me.

(I'm not being accusatory here, people. He realized he still had 3/4 of the bolts in the shop when I called him to ask about this.)

(I’m not being accusatory here, people. He realized he still had 3/4 of the bolts in the shop when I called him to ask about this.)

And so a terrible life lesson was learned.

Grumblemumblewhine

Grumblemumblewhine

Don’t distract your mechanic or you’ll end up in Deliverance Country with a broken car.

(Also, I’m sorry for not posting yesterday. As an apology, please accept this news that Oscar Mayer is now selling Lunchables for adults.)

Life Lesson: Morning People Will Probably Eventually Rule the Whole World

Life Lesson #6,120: Do not get dressed in the dark. Even if it’s only dark because it’s cloudy outside and you’re too lazy to turn on the light.

That is how you discover your shirt is inside out. At work. At 10:00 in the morning. After two meetings. With the C-level executives* in your office.
*CEO. COO. CFO. C-More-Important-Than-I-Will-Ever-Be-O.

I am not a morning person. I have never been a morning person. I was not a bright, chipper small child up with the sun. I was not even a person before noon during my teen years. In my 20s, I continue to bodily drag myself out of bed before the hour of 9:00 in the morning. Maybe by the time I’m 50, I’ll have a healthy relationship with dawn, but right now, we’re mortal enemies.

BAD SUN! SHOO!

Closing the curtains doesn’t even help. I still know it’s there.

But every now and then**, I have to drag myself out of bed on a cloudy, rainy or snowy morning. This is a strange blessing and curse all rolled into one. For one thing, the sun is forced to refrain from taunting me, due to being locked behind the shelter of clouds. But, on the other hand, it’s still blissfully dim and all I want to do is stay in bed. So getting ready becomes even more difficult.
**Sporadically and spontaneously and generally on the most inconvenient days, because I live in the South.

As has been mentioned previously, I work in a proper corporate business office, where I am expected to wear proper corporate business attire. There are skirts and heels and fancy shirts and dressy sweaters and other things I have had to spend a bunch of money on to ensure that I look appropriate and good at my job.

Hurray!

Of course stars and sparkles appear when I successfully get dressed in the morning. Does this not happen for you?

I am successfully good at accomplishing other morning activities (showering, hair brushing, makeup) in a lit bathroom that has bribed me into awareness with promises of hot water. But no amount of wardrobe budget and steamy showers can spare me the horrors that come with getting dressed in the dark.

Grumblemumblebitchwhine

Selecting the proper attire in a dark closet clearly requires a lot of finesse.

I have a tendency to select items at random and fling them out of the closet onto my bed, signifying that they are destined to be part of the day’s outfit. Lots of these items are black, because I am a champion at color-coordinating. After other preparations are complete, I tend to hurl these clothing options onto myself, achieving a successful dressed state.

Grrrrrgrumblemumble

It’s hard to see the stars and sparkles in the dark.

However, some mornings***, I am not quite so successful. Apparently.
***Like THIS morning.

Some mornings, not all of the clothes go on the right way. And without the supervision of the blindingly bright, evil dawn sun, there’s no chance to catch the devious, inside-out shirt until well after I’ve left the apartment.

You know, until after I’ve finished my second meeting of the morning.

I need more coffee for this nonsense

It was not subtly inside out either, guys. There were tags and seams and possibly the opposite side of shirt-decorations visible.

So in other words, guys: Happy Tuesday. I hope your clothes are on the right way.

Life Lesson: It’s Really Hard to Remember Certain Life Lessons

Life Lesson #417, #1,361, #4, 215, and #7,521: Do not watch scary movies right before bed.*

*Please add one “, you total idiot.” For each subsequent time this life lesson is learned.

In short, I am a total idiot.

When I was a child, I was scared of a ridiculous number of things. Spiders, every insect in the world (including lightening bugs, which is an unfortunate fear for a child living in New Jersey), every single Scary Stories book, Dr. Teeth from The Muppets…They all got under my skin**. This was a problematic condition for a girl who has an older brother and who lived in close proximity to four rowdy (and fun) male cousins.***

**In the context of my childhood nightmares, this is a completely literal statement.
***Who all were definitely not afraid of picking up spiders and using them as projectiles.

Don;t worry. I love Dr. Teeth's bohemian zen now that I am an adult

This is a really terrifying face when you are very small and afraid of being eaten.
Click for Source, which is a super amazing Muppet-focused blog.

I was, however, deeply in love with classic vampires**** and bats. Because, you know, those are healthy obsessions for a child of seven. By the time I was a teenager, I decided that since I clearly was not scared of SOME things that should be scary, I could obviously get over all my fears and be queen of the scary things.*****

****Real vampires never sparkle and totally intend to eat you, but not in a terrifying cannibal way. Cannibalism is a total deal breaker.
*****Why yes, I was goth as a teenager. How did you guess?

I decided I was tougher than tough, and impervious to traditionally scary things. I read horror novels by the bushel******. I daydreamed about how adorable I thought monsters were and how we would totally be friends in real life. I watched every Hellraiser, Alien movie, Friday the 13th, and Halloween movie I could get my hands on.

******Bushels clearly being the most standard unit of measurement for mass quantities of books.

Terrible, terrible survival instincts. GO ALIENS.

It occurs to me that the less coffee I’ve had before randomly drawing stick figures, the weirder my pigtails look.
Also, teenagers have terrible survival instincts.

And promptly relearned a lesson I had learned as a small child: Watching horror movies right before bed leads to horrifying night terrors.

But nevermind that, because suddenly it was time for college. And in college, watching scary movies late at night is a staple of alcohol-fueled idiocy and attempted dates.  Life lesson relearned. Twice.

And now we come to my mid-late 20s.****** Nestled in the soft bosom of adulthood, I am confident in the fact that there are no monsters under my bed. Nothing lives in my closet, waiting to jump out and eat me. There is no serial killer behind the door. My life is remarkably safe.

******Never to be confused with the ACTUAL late 20s, which is 29. Which I am not. Mid-late 20s is totally still young.

So, secure in this knowledge, I settled in to watch The Conjuring late at night, on a work night, by myself, with all the lights off.

I am not so good at great ideas.

Yeah. Nothing could go wrong watching this alone in the dark late at night.

And promptly spent the rest of the night wide awake, certain that invisible-demon-monster-witches had all died in my (built in 2008) apartment complex, and my cat was going to try to kill me if I fell asleep.*******

*******This has pretty much nothing to do with the plot, so don’t worry. No spoilers. You can still watch this alone and in the dark.

Life lesson relearned. Again and again and again.

In other news, this is a real place:

OMG GUYS

My life was incomplete before I knew there were whole rooms dedicated to trampolines.

So, there’s still hope and joy in the world.

Life Lesson: Literally Everyone Likes to Take Selfies

Life Lesson 7,250: Do not, under any circumstances, leave technology unattended in the presence of pets.

Look, guys. I know about half the Internet twitches with outrage at the title of this blog post. I questioned it myself*. But then I learned this lesson for real.

*No I didn’t. All my best pictures are selfies because I would never, ever let anyone else take eighteen pictures of me in a dinosaur costume. I do have SOME pride, people.

The hard way.

I want to show you something. And it may shock you.

My phone was covered in cat drool.

“Oh, hai Internet. I can haz selfie skills.”

This is the selfie my cat managed to take of herself. Because, you know, clearly I wasn’t taking enough pictures of her. Animals don’t even need us anymore. It’s like Animal Farm, but with more technology, and probably called Animal Myspace.

We can’t let that happen. It’s just awkward for everyone.

So it’s really important to know one thing: if you leave your phone on the couch, your cat will learn to take pictures of herself using her face.

I can’t even add a completely different thought at the end of this blog post. I’m too shocked, horrified, and concerned for the future of us all.

Life Lesson: Insults with Class

Life Lesson 7,249: “You’re a Mean One, Mister Grinch” makes insulting people in daily conversation easy AND fun.

So here’s the deal. Sometimes, I say things to people that are not nice.*

*Just kidding, Mom. Also, please stop reading this now. It’s only going downhill from here.

Sometimes, I have been accused of vicious sarcasm. Worse, periodically, I actively choose to insult people.** Mostly, I make it my mission to insult them without making them angry at me. I have a tendency to get away with this, as I am blonde**** and look harmless. Apparently this gives people the impression that I’m always just being funny and am never actually angry at anyone.

**Only the deserving.***
***People who don’t read my blog.

****Look inherently too brain-damaged and simple for cunning insultry.

And while some of my best material has been gleaned from movies, like Blade Trinity***** the truth is, my greatest source of perplexing insultry has always been “You’re a Mean One, Mister Grinch.”

*****If you don’t know the insult I’m talking about, you need to go watch the movie.

I mean, think about it. This classic children’s song is a handy guide to rarely-used insults that will leave people both wounded and confused. When used in daily conversation outside of the month of December, no one has any idea what you’re talking about.

Let’s look at some of these gems:

“You really are a heel”

Lookit! I can draw toes!

Because few things are more insulting that foot anatomy.

As a child, I took this to mean “you’re totally the end of a loaf of bread.”****** It’s only now, in my adult years, that I understand that people just happen to think feet are gross.*******

******Obviously the most disgusting part. It’s all crust. Children HATE crust.
*******I am actively choosing to ignore the fact that this clearly originated from the meanings “low point” and “contemptible person.”  Because it’s no fun to be accurate on the Internet.

“You’re as charming as an eel.”

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I cannot draw anything as terrifying as this.
Click for source and science.

This pretty much speaks for itself. Eels are terrifying. HOWEVER, by including the word “charming,” people automatically think that you’re complimenting them, and you’re off the hook.

 “You’re as cuddly as a cactus,”

Cacti hate cuddles

It is key to recognize cactus cuddling as a mistake BEFORE commencing the hug.

Don’t hug cacti. Even the fuzzy looking ones. They are not fuzzy. And therefore, this is an ideal insult. Basically it’s saying “I want to hug you because you look fuzzy, but I know it’s a lie. You’re a liar.”

“Your heart’s an empty hole.”

Mmm...chocolates

What, do you NOT picture an empty chocolate box for this line in the song? Is it just me?
Crap, it’s just me.

If people get mad at you for using this insult, just pretend you were expressing medical concern.

“You have termites in your smile.”

Wooden Teeth: A universally bad idea

It is difficult to draw termites and not have them look like braces. Also: Don’t invest in wooden teeth

This one is OBVIOUSLY a double insult. But if you say it in a concerned tone of voice, people check their teeth.******** Which is funny.

********I’m serious. They will. It’s instinct.

“You have all the tender sweetness of a seasick crocodile.”

I'm just being honest about it.

I’m just being honest about it.

Much like calling someone “charming,” the inclusion of “tender sweetness” ensures that people will stop listening to your insult before you get to the insulting bit. You’re off the hook.

“You nauseate me”

The bathroom is a ROOM OF PRIVACY

Sometimes you should just be honest with the people who follow you into the bathroom.

“Your heart is full of unwashed socks”

Ew ew ew

This is not a good place to keep socks. Clean OR dirty.

And my all-time favorite:

“Your brain is full of spiders,”

I write about spiders a lot

Seriously. Ew. Also, it’s like a thousand times worse than that story where a spider laid eggs in a lady’s face.

Now, I have accused a plethora of people of having spiders in their brains. It’s worked out well for me. In part because people are more confused than insulted. And when that happens, they don’t get mad at you. It gets all the insulting out of your system, without all the hurt feelings after. Win-win!

In other news, that guy who uses his bajillionaire powers for good made Jurassic Park a real thing.

DINOSAURS

Click for amazing, amazing source

It’s a DINOSAUR THEME PARK.

This marks a historic moment in time, guys. This marks the official moment when there is finally a romantic replacement for the “Jaws popping out of the water at Universal Studios” proposal.

Finally.