Life Lesson: Morning People Will Probably Eventually Rule the Whole World

Life Lesson #6,120: Do not get dressed in the dark. Even if it’s only dark because it’s cloudy outside and you’re too lazy to turn on the light.

That is how you discover your shirt is inside out. At work. At 10:00 in the morning. After two meetings. With the C-level executives* in your office.
*CEO. COO. CFO. C-More-Important-Than-I-Will-Ever-Be-O.

I am not a morning person. I have never been a morning person. I was not a bright, chipper small child up with the sun. I was not even a person before noon during my teen years. In my 20s, I continue to bodily drag myself out of bed before the hour of 9:00 in the morning. Maybe by the time I’m 50, I’ll have a healthy relationship with dawn, but right now, we’re mortal enemies.


Closing the curtains doesn’t even help. I still know it’s there.

But every now and then**, I have to drag myself out of bed on a cloudy, rainy or snowy morning. This is a strange blessing and curse all rolled into one. For one thing, the sun is forced to refrain from taunting me, due to being locked behind the shelter of clouds. But, on the other hand, it’s still blissfully dim and all I want to do is stay in bed. So getting ready becomes even more difficult.
**Sporadically and spontaneously and generally on the most inconvenient days, because I live in the South.

As has been mentioned previously, I work in a proper corporate business office, where I am expected to wear proper corporate business attire. There are skirts and heels and fancy shirts and dressy sweaters and other things I have had to spend a bunch of money on to ensure that I look appropriate and good at my job.


Of course stars and sparkles appear when I successfully get dressed in the morning. Does this not happen for you?

I am successfully good at accomplishing other morning activities (showering, hair brushing, makeup) in a lit bathroom that has bribed me into awareness with promises of hot water. But no amount of wardrobe budget and steamy showers can spare me the horrors that come with getting dressed in the dark.


Selecting the proper attire in a dark closet clearly requires a lot of finesse.

I have a tendency to select items at random and fling them out of the closet onto my bed, signifying that they are destined to be part of the day’s outfit. Lots of these items are black, because I am a champion at color-coordinating. After other preparations are complete, I tend to hurl these clothing options onto myself, achieving a successful dressed state.


It’s hard to see the stars and sparkles in the dark.

However, some mornings***, I am not quite so successful. Apparently.
***Like THIS morning.

Some mornings, not all of the clothes go on the right way. And without the supervision of the blindingly bright, evil dawn sun, there’s no chance to catch the devious, inside-out shirt until well after I’ve left the apartment.

You know, until after I’ve finished my second meeting of the morning.

I need more coffee for this nonsense

It was not subtly inside out either, guys. There were tags and seams and possibly the opposite side of shirt-decorations visible.

So in other words, guys: Happy Tuesday. I hope your clothes are on the right way.

I Am Not Even a Little Bit Country

No matter what y’all think.

Today’s Blog Post Is Brought to You By How Late I Was Stuck at Work on Tuesday

A few years ago, my brother was living in Texas with his family.

Texas was never my favorite state. I don’t listen to country music. I don’t drive a big truck. I don’t know how to line dance. I have exactly zero understanding of how cattle are herded.*
*But I am super good at making sweeping, inaccurate assumptions about things people like in Texas.

But I really wanted to go visit. And so I went. And you know what?

I found something I really, truly love.


They do, in fact, look this stylish in real life.

Forget glass slippers. Cinderella was clearly clueless about footwear. Cowboy boots are the most magical shoes. For one thing, they let you swagger with every step. For another, you automatically pose like a gunslinger when wearing them – even in normal, everyday, non-gun-slinging situations!**
**Which is every day of my life, because I am the worst at being southern and don’t own a gun. All southern friends are responsible for my survival in a zombie apocalypse. Hi friends!

Yee haw!

Ahem. Yee-haw?

For another thing, they are more comfortable than slippers.


Bye bye bunnies…Oh come on guys. They’re slippers. Don’t call PETA.

But best of all, I can wear them to work under my fancy pants, and no one knows but me.

Ok, maybe i should rephrase that

And that’s all a girl ever wants. Secret boots. And fancy pants.

Nothing Says “All American Fashion” Better than…

Fanny packs.

I have solved your last minute Christmas shopping.

This is the way I remember these highly fashionable, practical devices.
Click for source, which you can’t buy anymore. But don’t worry. THERE ARE MORE ON SALE.

Let’s face it. The convenient tiny waistpack (that makes either your stomach or your lower back look like it’s grown a camel hump) is pretty much an American staple.*

*Have you figured out yet that I know absolutely nothing about fashion?

Now, you may have thought that fanny packs were simply the butt of 90s related jokes. You may have thought that they were a terrible time in clothes-wearing history that we, as proper countrymen, would all agree was better left behind us.

Well, you’re wrong.

People are trying** to bring them back.

**Succeeding. If you can call making fanny packs popular “success.”


Apparently Rhianna is to blame.
Click for source.

And Etsy, home of all things ahead of the fashionable curve, is totally behind this.


The ruffles add a lady-like appeal that ruins the once multi-gender fanny pack fun.
Click for source, and to buy your own, which you totally should.

But best of all, there’s a Kickstarter. We all know how I love prowling around Kickstarter.

It's like a hug - for your HIPS

Guys. GUYS. It comes in paisley. This is the wave of the FUTURE! Also, this is not a video. It’s just a picture. The play button is a lie.
But if you click it, you can visit the source, and help fund this project. (DO IT.)

This one is my favorite. In part because, well, it’s next to impossible to make a fanny pack subtle. But this Kickstarter totally succeeds. And also, because there’s totally a BONUS THING TO WEAR.


Meet “The Gnome.” But I call it “The Wristpack.”
Guys, it’s a fanny pack FOR YOUR WRIST.
Click for source and wise investment.

Basically, the lesson here is:

The Internet will never let the 90s die.***

***And we’re all very grateful for that. Right, guys? Right?