Favorite Things

Potato Chips Really Take the Anxiety Out of Dating

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Or: Today’s Title is Remarkably Deceptive

This is The Midnight Lion.

Meeee-yow

But since we’re all friends here, we’ll simply be calling him “Midnight Lion” from this point forward. Notice his glorious mane.

He has known me for over half my life. He is perhaps my most very best friend,* and has been since we met.
*See how I used vocabulary to keep my favoritism mysterious? This is a life skill.

Don't hug lions. They are dangerous

With our powers combined, we cannot summon Captain Planet, any Power Rangers, or the Wonder Twins’ stupefying powers. But we CAN summon quite a lot of scathing sarcasm.

As my dearest, oldest friend, he is tasked with one quintessential quest: Help make sure I am a functional, mostly-only-pleasantly-crazy human being.

In fairness, he is also crazy

This is an accurate representation of many of our conversations.

He is pretty good at it.**
**I’m mostly functional. Ish.

He has also been one of my most valued advisors. He has a lot of great advice*** to share.
***Highly morally questionable and probably dangerous.

Today I am sharing with you some very sage dating advice from The Midnight Lion. You’re welcome.

Me:
I’m supposed to be getting ready for a date, but I’m scared of boys and I need a nap.

Midnight Lion:
But think of all the free food that can happen to your face. You like food. There might be ice cream.

Me
But what if he thinks I’m ugly or dumb or he’s mean or something. Napping is never mean.

Midnight Lion:
Is he capable of providing you with free food?

Me:
Probably?

Midnight Lion:
Well, there you go. Nothing about tonight can be bad, because free food. 

Me:
I dunno. Well, yes. Maybe. My brain has to work out if I can accept free food without longterm commitment. Food is pretty serious.

Midnight Lion:
Let me help. Free food and dates feel good. And are delicious. Like potato chips. 

Me:
…Gawd. I do love potato chips

Midnight Lion:
So, like, you eat the potato chips, because you want them. Then if you don’t want them anymore, you don’t have to eat them.

You can go get cheese doodles instead.

Me:
Wait. Who is giving me potato chips? 

Midnight Lion:
Your date is the potato chips. 

Me:
I thought the free food was the potato-chippy-prize for going on the date. 

Midnight Lion:
No. Your date is the potato chips. You’re committing to the potato chips for a snack. The snack in this metaphor is the date-activity.

But sometimes you just don’t want potato chips anymore. Like, you might be halfway through the bag and you’re like “Ugh. No more. This is a terrible snack.” So then you put them down or even throw them out, and never think about them again.

Me:
I think about potato chips a lot. 

Midnight Lion:
We aren’t talking about real chips. This is a metaphor. 

Me:
Oh. Right. But, what if my potato chip snack doesn’t go so well, but I still really, really want potato chips? 

Midnight Lion:
Go get more potato chips. You can even get a different bag. The bag might have changed, but they are still delicious. 

Me:
And, what if by eating the potato chips too early, instead of waiting to eat them with dinner, then I’m like, out of potato chips? 

Midnight Lion:
Who cares? They are just potato chips. 

Me:
Is this still a metaphor, or do I really get potato chips? 

Midnight Lion:
This obviously continues to be a metaphor. 

Me:
Oh, well in that case…It’s hard for me not to take every snack seriously, because I want to find the potato chips I want to eat for the rest of my life.

Midnight Lion:
Ew. Cannibal. 

Me:
So, I’m confused. When do I get chips?

Midnight Lion:
GO GET DRESSED FOR FREE FOOD.

In case you were wondering, I was not even slightly late for my date.

Also, this has happened more than once:

THERE COULD HAVE BEEN SPIDERS

Real friendship is all about knowing how to get your friend to get out of bed in the morning.

And now you have met my closest friend. It’s like we’re closer friends now, too.

“Got” Is a Super Versatile Word

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Or: English Is Weird and Also My Favorite Thing

Since I work in marketing, I have a tendency to avidly watch for interesting campaigns everywhere I go*. Magazine ads, billboards, commercials, graffiti…I’m always peeking at the ways commercialism is invading our lives.**
*This actually has nothing to do with the fact that I work in marketing, and everything to do with the fact that I have the attention span of a gnat.
**Hurray! Job security!

It’s everywhere, y’all.

So when I was driving around the Queen City (the QC if you’re hip, which clearly I am not, since I spell it out), it wasn’t really surprising that a billboard caught my eye.*** Specifically, THIS billboard:
***Distracted me into the horrifying realm of nightmarish possibilities.

This is a regrettable situation

Because having spiders is something people frequently ask others about.
Click for source and to rid your living space of spider infestations!

Got….Spiders?

NO NO NO NO NO. Is that even a thing that can happen?!**** But that brings up the whole idea of context clues and English.
****Of course it is. And of course I Googled it to make sure. And of course I will never sleep again.

Take, for example, the Got Milk ads for comparison:

Everything is so...so...blue

Because who needs the sweet nourishment of Earth’s yellow sun when you can instead binge on milkshakes?!
Click for source.

Let’s break it down, here. “Got milk?” is asking if you’ve got something you may lack, something you desire.

“Hey, got milk?”
“Actually, no, but I DO have cookies and so now I really want some. Gimmie!”

But only because I've had cookies.

All things worth desiring are on fancy columns or pedestals. Is that not how your life works?

“Got spiders?” is asking you if you’ve somehow ended up in the exact situation frequently illustrated by my nightmares.

“Hey, got spiders?”
“YES AND PLEASE BY ALL THAT IS HOLY COME AND SAVE ME.”

NONONONONONONONO

Science has taught me that if it can pop up in your most awful dreams, it’s probably also a real thing. So, flying spiders.

This applies to more things than actual ads. See if you can identify the positive usage and the negative usage!

“Got doubloons?”

I had to google how to spell doubloons, because words

Doubloon mountain is probably guarded by flying spiders.

“Got monsters?”

Grrrr. Arrrgh.

This is less scary than flying spiders.

I know, I know, this has been a very challenging quiz. But if you said the doubloon pile was the negative usage, you’re right! Because it’s guarded by flying spiders, which are more awful than monsters!

English. It’s all about the context.

Planet Earth Is Out to Get Us

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I should probably not be allowed to have the Internet, y’all. It only leads to trouble. And I probably shouldn’t be allowed to have TV, either.* In fact, for the benefit of everyone, I should probably be denied access to libraries, microscopes, and conversational scientists, too.
*But I am an ADULT with a JOB, therefore I can have both, just like I can eat candy for dinner and no one can stop me. The world is a wonderful place. Except for everything in the rest of this post.

Basically what I’m saying here is: I’m addicted to Discovery Channel specials, Animal Planet, and anything that has ever been written or filmed about enormous and weird animals, insects, arachnids and parasites.

Also everything in the ocean. Everything in the ocean is terrifying and amazing.

I have a weird fascination with all the most horrifying things on the planet. They make me happy. They give me nightmares**. They make me pathologically terrified to go swimming in Florida, or ever visit the Amazon. I am also completely unable to change the channel or close the book or click on a different website once I’ve found one of these Earthbound monsters.
**The nightmares don’t make me happy. But the KNOWING things does. It’s a vicious cycle. If I didn’t know, then how would I avoid being eaten by Greenland sharks during my many frequent beach trips to Greenland?

You have to know thy enemy, people. And that is why I am sharing some of my favorite ways our planet is clearly shaping up to be a horror movie:

Monster earthworms as big as people? Can’t be true. Wait…it’s true? I saw Tremors. Please, please tell me more.

Nope Nope Nope

Kevin Bacon recommends never lying next to giant worms.
(Click for Source.)

(It’s called a “Giant Gippsland Earthworm” and it’s so big you can hear it moving through the ground.)

Jellyfish that are so big they won’t even notice you’re caught in their horrifying jelly tentacles? WHERE CAN I FIND THEM?!

Nope Nope Nope

Swim away! Swim away!
(Click for source.)

(Ok, so they might notice. They’re called Lion’s Mane Jellyfish and you only think they aren’t planning to eat you. Give them time.)

This spider. It exists. Some people keep them as pets and I strongly believe those people should not make more people.

NOPE NOPE NOPE

NO NO NO NO NO NO. Someone call John Goodman. I also saw this movie.
(Click for source)

(This is the Goliath Birdeater Tarantula. And now you know.)

Untreated pond or stream water – especially in third world countries – is sometimes full of parasites that eat your brain? This is information that will be relevant to all parts of my life living in a first world country!

Nope Nope Nope

I am never swimming again. Parasites are invisible monsters, y’all.
(Click for source.)

(This is Naegleria fowleri and it loves to live in your brain and eat it all up.)

I know that talking about supersized squid is all the rage, but guys, the Colossal Squid is a real thing. And we all know it’s just lying in wait. Probably to grow bones so it can retain it’s horrifying shape on land while eating us all.

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO

IT HAS A BEAK UNDER THOSE TENTACLES.
(Click for source.)

(This is actually and scientifically called a “Colossal Squid,” and science says it doesn’t want to eat you, but sometimes science just doesn’t want us to have nervous breakdowns.)

And that’s just the tip of the iceberg of horrifying things that totally live on our planet and make it 1,000,000% more awesome. So check your couch for giant spiders and curl up for some Animal Planet specials, because we all have a lot to learn before the opening credits end on this horror-movie-to-be.

P.S. – I super love nature and I want all these things to live forever, because the world would be super boring without them.

This Explains So Much about My Love Life Recently

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I really want to read this

Seriously. It’s all so clear now.
Click to check out the source.

Guys. Apparently people aren’t as afraid of being murdered as they are of being alone. And someone wrote an academic thesis about it.

Man, Craigslist IS good for everything.

I, on the other hand, am way more afraid of being murdered than I am of being alone. So there’s my problem right there.*
*Well, that and the fact that I fall down while bowling around strangers. That might also be a problem.

LOL My Thesis may be my new favorite thing on the Internet for today. And that’s even counting my blog, which usually gets a biased vote from me. For one thing, it makes me feel more academically reassured about my own thesis-for-bachelor’s-degree. For another, it both makes me want to go back to school, and reminds me why I chose NOT to go to grad school.

Tell me more! Tell me more!

Know what? I really would be.

These are complex feelings for a one-liner Tumblr blog to trigger.

It also makes me ponder questions I have never pondered before, like:

Go thesis writer. Go!

I don’t even know what to say to this, but I can see how this is probably true.

Face it. You want to know more about that,too.

So, to keep your paralyzing curiosity distracted, and therefore not paralyzing, here is a terrifying picture of a clown. A strange man at my favorite antique fair** tried to sell it to my friends and me***. I don’t know why they wouldn’t buy it.
**Weird flea market masquerading as an antique fair.
***You just checked this grammar in your head, didn’t you? I swear, “me” is correct in this instance, you cute little grammar nazi you.

The Saddest Murderer

Just look at that slow tear. It’s so moving. He is clearly the saddest murderer.

I mean, it would just look so amazing in their living room. I even offered to buy it for them.

Some people just have no love of art.

The Post Office in My City Is a Magical Place

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Hey guys. Don’t freak out or anything, but I just found the coolest place in the Queen City. 

Google Maps knows all the places

Please try to contain your excitement.
Image courtesy of Google Maps. Thanks, Google!

And it’s my local post office.

You may be wondering how this could possibly be. Everyone* knows that the post office is a circle of hell around the holidays – especially if you live in a city.

*All the people I mention my love of the post office to. Which actually IS everyone.

And I do, in fact, live in a city.

Real. City.

See? Big buildings = real city. Point proven.
This image is also thanks to Google Maps, which has way more geographical knowledge than I do.

See? See? There are cars. One of them is a taxi.** Just out of this shot is a wad of police cars, proving we have city-like crime. And we have a bustling metropolitan area with traffic and annoyingly complex parking structures.

**To be honest, this is actually the only taxi I have ever seen in my city. The South does not believe in taxis. 

But just forget all that when it’s time to go to the post office.***

***Unless you actually live in Uptown****, in which case, you are super screwed. Have fun waiting in line forever, suckers.
****Which is what the Queen City calls our downtown, because we’re all clearly out of our minds.*****
*****Also because our downtown is the highest geographical point in the whole city, which I hate knowing, because it takes all the fun out of the fact that we’re clearly out of our minds.

When it’s time to go to the post office, you’re going to travel through time and space and into a strange land. A land where rednecks are probably going to murder you to the Deliverance soundtrack, and people are totally selling boiled peanuts on the side of the road before Christmas.******

******Apparently this is a totally normal thing. I asked the guy. His name is Jim. I did not take his picture in case he was barely containing his Deliverance-murder instincts. 

Mmm...gun pie.

This is what is directly across the street from my nearest post office. This is clearly the liveliest part of this neighborhood.
Also, thanks again, Google Maps!

I even took a picture of my own to prove that my post office is not somehow just trapped on a strange country-town street. It’s literally an entire neighborhood that does not belong in a city.

WHERE DID THE CITY GO?!

No tall buildings, as far as the eye can see.

So basically, my drive to the post office was surreal. Also, unnerving and terrifying.

But by golly, I had Christmas presents to mail. And they were going to get there BY Christmas, for once.******* And so I persevered through this disturbing land, and finally got to the post office.

*******Despite the impression I give of clearly having everything together, I am notorious for giving people Christmas presents in, like, February.

Where everyone was smiling an happy. The Friday before Christmas. The place oozed a sort of zen I have never seen. It was like going to the post office in Mayberry********

********Which is also in North Carolina, as it happens. Check it out, y’all.*********
*********This is the most terrifying place in all of NC, in my humble opinion. But that’s a story for another day. 

It was MAGIC, guys.

In other news, if your Christmas shopping isn’t done, allow me to recommend this:

Because a knife is too complicated

Specially designed to be the most useless gift in the history of time. You can click here and buy 10 on Amazon.

The perfect gift to convince everyone that you are the worst gift giver of all time. It’s my new favorite thing on Amazon.