Or: Today’s Title is Remarkably Deceptive

This is The Midnight Lion.

But since we’re all friends here, we’ll simply be calling him “Midnight Lion” from this point forward. Notice his glorious mane.

He has known me for over half my life. He is perhaps my most very best friend,* and has been since we met.
*See how I used vocabulary to keep my favoritism mysterious? This is a life skill.

With our powers combined, we cannot summon Captain Planet, any Power Rangers, or the Wonder Twins’ stupefying powers. But we CAN summon quite a lot of scathing sarcasm.

As my dearest, oldest friend, he is tasked with one quintessential quest: Help make sure I am a functional, mostly-only-pleasantly-crazy human being.

This is an accurate representation of many of our conversations.

He is pretty good at it.**
**I’m mostly functional. Ish.

He has also been one of my most valued advisors. He has a lot of great advice*** to share.
***Highly morally questionable and probably dangerous.

Today I am sharing with you some very sage dating advice from The Midnight Lion. You’re welcome.

Me:
I’m supposed to be getting ready for a date, but I’m scared of boys and I need a nap.

Midnight Lion:
But think of all the free food that can happen to your face. You like food. There might be ice cream.

Me
But what if he thinks I’m ugly or dumb or he’s mean or something. Napping is never mean.

Midnight Lion:
Is he capable of providing you with free food?

Me:
Probably?

Midnight Lion:
Well, there you go. Nothing about tonight can be bad, because free food. 

Me:
I dunno. Well, yes. Maybe. My brain has to work out if I can accept free food without longterm commitment. Food is pretty serious.

Midnight Lion:
Let me help. Free food and dates feel good. And are delicious. Like potato chips. 

Me:
…Gawd. I do love potato chips

Midnight Lion:
So, like, you eat the potato chips, because you want them. Then if you don’t want them anymore, you don’t have to eat them.

You can go get cheese doodles instead.

Me:
Wait. Who is giving me potato chips? 

Midnight Lion:
Your date is the potato chips. 

Me:
I thought the free food was the potato-chippy-prize for going on the date. 

Midnight Lion:
No. Your date is the potato chips. You’re committing to the potato chips for a snack. The snack in this metaphor is the date-activity.

But sometimes you just don’t want potato chips anymore. Like, you might be halfway through the bag and you’re like “Ugh. No more. This is a terrible snack.” So then you put them down or even throw them out, and never think about them again.

Me:
I think about potato chips a lot. 

Midnight Lion:
We aren’t talking about real chips. This is a metaphor. 

Me:
Oh. Right. But, what if my potato chip snack doesn’t go so well, but I still really, really want potato chips? 

Midnight Lion:
Go get more potato chips. You can even get a different bag. The bag might have changed, but they are still delicious. 

Me:
And, what if by eating the potato chips too early, instead of waiting to eat them with dinner, then I’m like, out of potato chips? 

Midnight Lion:
Who cares? They are just potato chips. 

Me:
Is this still a metaphor, or do I really get potato chips? 

Midnight Lion:
This obviously continues to be a metaphor. 

Me:
Oh, well in that case…It’s hard for me not to take every snack seriously, because I want to find the potato chips I want to eat for the rest of my life.

Midnight Lion:
Ew. Cannibal. 

Me:
So, I’m confused. When do I get chips?

Midnight Lion:
GO GET DRESSED FOR FREE FOOD.

In case you were wondering, I was not even slightly late for my date.

Also, this has happened more than once:

Real friendship is all about knowing how to get your friend to get out of bed in the morning.

And now you have met my closest friend. It’s like we’re closer friends now, too.