This Explains So Much about My Love Life Recently

I really want to read this

Seriously. It’s all so clear now.
Click to check out the source.

Guys. Apparently people aren’t as afraid of being murdered as they are of being alone. And someone wrote an academic thesis about it.

Man, Craigslist IS good for everything.

I, on the other hand, am way more afraid of being murdered than I am of being alone. So there’s my problem right there.*
*Well, that and the fact that I fall down while bowling around strangers. That might also be a problem.

LOL My Thesis may be my new favorite thing on the Internet for today. And that’s even counting my blog, which usually gets a biased vote from me. For one thing, it makes me feel more academically reassured about my own thesis-for-bachelor’s-degree. For another, it both makes me want to go back to school, and reminds me why I chose NOT to go to grad school.

Tell me more! Tell me more!

Know what? I really would be.

These are complex feelings for a one-liner Tumblr blog to trigger.

It also makes me ponder questions I have never pondered before, like:

Go thesis writer. Go!

I don’t even know what to say to this, but I can see how this is probably true.

Face it. You want to know more about that,too.

So, to keep your paralyzing curiosity distracted, and therefore not paralyzing, here is a terrifying picture of a clown. A strange man at my favorite antique fair** tried to sell it to my friends and me***. I don’t know why they wouldn’t buy it.
**Weird flea market masquerading as an antique fair.
***You just checked this grammar in your head, didn’t you? I swear, “me” is correct in this instance, you cute little grammar nazi you.

The Saddest Murderer

Just look at that slow tear. It’s so moving. He is clearly the saddest murderer.

I mean, it would just look so amazing in their living room. I even offered to buy it for them.

Some people just have no love of art.

Today’s Favorite Thing: Rap with Respect

Like Oprah, I have favorite things. Lots of favorite things. More favorite things than anyone should ever be allowed to have. And because they are my favorite things, I feel that they should also be your favorite things.

And today I share with you my newest thing-that-brings-me-joy:

Respectful Rap.


This image and all the joy and happiness it brings me (and you), is courtesy of Respectful Rappers on Tumblr. Click to visit the original.

I feel that this is a moment to pay respect* to the eternal words of Aretha Franklin:

R. E. S. P. E. C. T.  Find out what it means to me.

*HA! See what I did there?

And what it means to me, my good gentlemen and gentlewomen, is “Tumblr has found a new way to suck up all my free time and replace it with giggles.”

Now, I confess: I’m not a fan of rap. I never have been. The closest I get to rap music is singing “My Baby is a Blood”** (by Bobby Joe Ebola and the Chicken MacNuggits) with my best friend, off key and with great enthusiasm. And that’s not even really a rap song. It’s more of a ballad about relationship challenges, incorporating gang colors.***

**Which is apparently called “She Ain’t No Crip”. I’ve been living a lie for like 12 years, people.

***Honestly, I nominate it for a Grammy. And a People’s Choice Award. I’m people. And I’m choosing. Make it happen, TV.

So really, I have very little expertise when it comes to critiquing rap music. R&B is even a bit of a stretch. (Let’s face it. We’ve already discussed my musical preferences.) But somehow, the brilliant people over at Respectful Rappers have managed to take an inaccessible facet of the music industry and turned it into something that brings me joy and happiness.

And that’s why it’s worth being a favorite thing. It has taught me both respect AND rap music. I tip my imaginary hat to you, Respectful Rappers. Tip tip.

I hope it brings you all great joy and happiness too.

In other news, my grocery store (which happens to be Target, because I like to support capitalism) was completely out of bananas on Monday.

Monkeys around the world weep in fear.

Seriously, y’all. This whole thing is supposed to be bananas.

Apparently bananas are a really popular early December food. Or my whole neighborhood is super low on potassium. Or 57 cents is just an insanely good price for bananas.

Anyway, not getting any bananas is my least favorite thing of the week. So there’s that, too.

The Confection Is an Untruth

Today’s Most Favorite Thing:

Lie Lie Lie

Oh what a delicious-looking…hey, wait!


The Above Cake Is, In Fact, a Lie.

It is also possibly the greatest cake dish of all time. And this, everyone, is why you should go to flea markets, garage sales, antique sales, and sneak into your neighbor’s houses*. People in the long-past (i.e., your grandmother’s day) preemptively knew everything that would be cool today, and they made it already.

*Don’t do this. It’s illegal. And even if you get away with it, it could potentially scar you for life.

Today’s Favorite Thing: Shark Stalking

That’s right. Oprah isn’t the only one with favorite things.

This post could have been entitled “Someone hid all the coffee in the break room and so I’m probably going to go to prison,” but I thought that was kind of a mouthful. So, instead, I bring you one of my favorite things.

OMG, y'all! You can follow SPECIFIC SHARKS. And his name is "Rizzilient." It's like I'm stalking a shark rap star you guys!!!

OMG, y’all! You can follow SPECIFIC SHARKS. And his name is “Rizzilient.” It’s like I’m stalking a shark rap star you guys!!!

Shark stalking. Because sharks deserve more than 1.92% (1/52, in fraction form. That’s right. This is a mathematical reference to Shark Week) of your year.

I’m not even going to tell you how many hours I have sunk into stalking sharks while listening to the theme from Jaws. (Hint: It’s definitely more than thirty.)

So why is shark stalking cool?

(…That’s just a silly question. I know. It’s condescending of me to even pretend you would be asking that. You’re cooler than that. I know. But not everyone reading this is! So I have to explain it to them. Oh, man. You’re so patient. I’m so glad I have readers like you.)

Shark stalking is cool, and worthy of favoritism, because of science. You may think it’s because of how sharks are totally awesome and capable of eating people and have their own theme song, but it’s (mostly) not. Have you ever thought about how amazing it is that we can use technology to find out where one single creature is on the face of the planet? Under the ocean, no less? I mean, c’mon. If I told you to find one specific shark, and you had no access to the Shark Stalker, you’d be doomed.

Science has expanded on the human ability to creepily watch something no matter where it is in the world. That. Is. Amazing.

Today’s favorite thing has been brought to you by my friend Stef, who is quite obviously super brilliant and deserves a cookie. A shark shaped cookie.

Image courtesy of Sweet Dani B. Click for link.