Etsy

Nothing Says “All American Fashion” Better than…

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Fanny packs.

I have solved your last minute Christmas shopping.

This is the way I remember these highly fashionable, practical devices.
Click for source, which you can’t buy anymore. But don’t worry. THERE ARE MORE ON SALE.

Let’s face it. The convenient tiny waistpack (that makes either your stomach or your lower back look like it’s grown a camel hump) is pretty much an American staple.*

*Have you figured out yet that I know absolutely nothing about fashion?

Now, you may have thought that fanny packs were simply the butt of 90s related jokes. You may have thought that they were a terrible time in clothes-wearing history that we, as proper countrymen, would all agree was better left behind us.

Well, you’re wrong.

People are trying** to bring them back.

**Succeeding. If you can call making fanny packs popular “success.”

Apparently.

Apparently Rhianna is to blame.
Click for source.

And Etsy, home of all things ahead of the fashionable curve, is totally behind this.

RUFFLES!

The ruffles add a lady-like appeal that ruins the once multi-gender fanny pack fun.
Click for source, and to buy your own, which you totally should.

But best of all, there’s a Kickstarter. We all know how I love prowling around Kickstarter.

It's like a hug - for your HIPS

Guys. GUYS. It comes in paisley. This is the wave of the FUTURE! Also, this is not a video. It’s just a picture. The play button is a lie.
But if you click it, you can visit the source, and help fund this project. (DO IT.)

This one is my favorite. In part because, well, it’s next to impossible to make a fanny pack subtle. But this Kickstarter totally succeeds. And also, because there’s totally a BONUS THING TO WEAR.

FOR YOUR WRIST

Meet “The Gnome.” But I call it “The Wristpack.”
Guys, it’s a fanny pack FOR YOUR WRIST.
Click for source and wise investment.

Basically, the lesson here is:

The Internet will never let the 90s die.***

***And we’re all very grateful for that. Right, guys? Right?

A Tragic Tale of Missed Opportunity

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Remember when I told you I had weekend adventures? Well, I wasn’t lying. I went to a “Collectables and Antiques” show.*

*Hey hey hey, that kind of crass jealousy is uncalled for. I would have invited you if I’d known you wanted to go so bad.

And I stumbled right back into Regretsy territory when I found the single greatest, most flummoxing craft project known to man:

I totally didn't pose them like this.

I totally didn’t pose them like this, guys, but I really believe they’re doing a slow-motion chase scene for Jesus.

I’d like you to meet Buff and Spiff, the Steroid Angels of Christmas.**

**These may not be their actual names.

I found them on a table with a display of their compatriots:

I don't know what the front angel is doing.

Because fit Santas, buff angels, and ripped fiddle players BELONG together.

And I was speechless.*** I marveled at their strangely formed muscles, which were reminiscent of Tommy Wiseau in The Room****. I marveled at just how many of these decorations someone had taken the time to make. I marveled at who would put these in their home during the joyous time of the holidays.

***Ok, not speechless enough that I didn’t pick them up and invent stories about how they defended Christmas through the power of steroids and glue-on wings, but I did that all in my head, so TECHNICALLY I was still speechless.

****DO NOT GOOGLE THIS. Some things cannot be unseen.

And it was only after I’d walked away from the table that I realized that I would totally put them in my home during the joyous time of the holidays. And I would like to give them to all my friends.

So, obviously, I went back the next day.

Only to discover that the frustrated seller (who apparently had not sold a single ware, according to the seller with the table next to her) had decided not to return for the dismal Sunday sales. I was crushed.****

****I still am.

In my time of grief, I did what any rational girl would do. I turned to the Internet.

I’m going to be honest. I fully expected to find these on Etsy. I expected them to be on the front page, singled out for their amazingness. I mean, who wouldn’t want to deck their halls with the bulging pecs of plush angels?

Apparently it’s just me, y’all.

Because Etsy let me down. After hunting through 72 pages** of possible choices for “angel doll” and “Christmas angel,” I had to throw in the towel.

**Because I am super dedicated to giving everyone ripped angels for Christmas. I’m willing to sacrifice for my friends, y’all. Don’t you wish you were on my gift-giving list?

But I did find these precious gems.

1) The Nakedest, Flattest, Most Concerning Cherub

It's soo happy

That trumpet is _really_strategically placed.
Click for source.

In defense of this seller, this is apparently vintage. So, let’s all get concerned about our predecessors, people.

2) The Most Confused Angel Impostor

It looks so sad.

It’s probably so confused because it’s hanging by it’s head.
Click for source!

This angel appears to have been stricken by poverty, and hung up by her head. Someone buy this angel and get her a nice dress. And maybe a cheeseburger, And a bandaid.

3) The…Winkle

This really scares me

I don’t…I just…what….
Click for source?

I really want to say things about this, but I really just have no idea what to say. Other than I really, really hope that’s an elephant trunk.

4) The Gremlin in Disguise

On nom nom nom

Seriously. Don’t let it in the house, don’t get it wet, and don’t let it eat after midnight.
Click for source.

It smiles the same way after it eats your children.

So if you need me, I’ll be in mourning. But at least my Christmas shopping is done.

Some Things on the Internet Really Make Me Uncomfortable

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And I’m not just talking about things you can find on those sites*.

*We all know what I’m talking about here. Don’t pretend you don’t also spend a lot of time on recipe websites. No one believes you.

I hate to delve into Regretsy** territory here. This is really their corner of the Internet. But I was shopping for a unique gift and boy howdy did I ever find one.

**Did you know Regretsy is no more?! I didn’t until this exact moment. Now the Internet has made me uncomfortable AND sad.

I’d like to introduce you to something I am never going to be able to forget:

Included: Feminine Pink Slash

I almost browsed right past this.
I wish I’d browsed right past this.

If you’re thinking “Oh what a cute sign,” you are missing several essential observations. Don’t worry. I’ll help.

  1. OB/GYNs use their hands for things you don’t want to think about. I’m starting with the most obvious thing here. But gentlemen, if you’re snickering here, this is sort of like a prostate exam doctor having a sign made out of snapping gloves and pointer fingers.
  2. The “o” and the “b” are both sort of ominously threatening in this context. I’m not joking. Look at in the context of “what if this isn’t a sign but instead a how-to hand demonstration.”
  3. The pink slash is an awkward use of both shape and color here. I’m not explaining why.
  4. The “g” is pointing at the pink slash. Which kind of highlights the awkwardness here.

In short, if an OB/GYN had this sign on her desk, I’d think she (or he. I’m not sexist, y’all) was providing a demonstration of (hopefully) exam-related hand movements. And that would make me run screaming. I’m not exaggerating.***

***I’m actually under-exaggerating here. The factual description would be “flee at top speed, shrieking like an anxious banshee.” 

I support increased awareness of the fact that people all have different needs. I also support accommodations for the hearing impaired or visually impaired (like me!) among us. I do. But please consider this point of fact: Hearing impaired people can read.

And I’m pretty sure deaf women feel just as threatened by this sign.

Way to go, Internet. I haven’t been this horrified in weeks.

As an aside, I totally salute this Etsy seller’s sweet hand-crafting-hand skills. She/He’s got some great names spelled out, and does custom work. I applaud all that and I hope she/he makes a billion dollars.

I know this was a pretty uncomfortable moment we just shared. So, to make you feel better, here is a picture of festive balls.

These things run rampant in NC.

CHRISTMAS balls. Jeeze. You guys are pervs.

(These things are everywhere in North Carolina. And now you can buy them for $50 a pop from Brookstone. I’m telling you. Their holiday catalog is a wealth of joy and gift-giving ideas. Gift giving ideas that can charge you $50 for a ball of Christmas lights wrapped around chicken wire.)

I hope that puts you right back in the holiday spirit. You’re welcome.