Life Lesson 7,249: “You’re a Mean One, Mister Grinch” makes insulting people in daily conversation easy AND fun.
So here’s the deal. Sometimes, I say things to people that are not nice.*
*Just kidding, Mom. Also, please stop reading this now. It’s only going downhill from here.
Sometimes, I have been accused of vicious sarcasm. Worse, periodically, I actively choose to insult people.** Mostly, I make it my mission to insult them without making them angry at me. I have a tendency to get away with this, as I am blonde**** and look harmless. Apparently this gives people the impression that I’m always just being funny and am never actually angry at anyone.
**Only the deserving.***
***People who don’t read my blog.
****Look inherently too brain-damaged and simple for cunning insultry.
*****If you don’t know the insult I’m talking about, you need to go watch the movie.
I mean, think about it. This classic children’s song is a handy guide to rarely-used insults that will leave people both wounded and confused. When used in daily conversation outside of the month of December, no one has any idea what you’re talking about.
Let’s look at some of these gems:
“You really are a heel”
As a child, I took this to mean “you’re totally the end of a loaf of bread.”****** It’s only now, in my adult years, that I understand that people just happen to think feet are gross.*******
******Obviously the most disgusting part. It’s all crust. Children HATE crust.
*******I am actively choosing to ignore the fact that this clearly originated from the meanings “low point” and “contemptible person.” Because it’s no fun to be accurate on the Internet.
“You’re as charming as an eel.”
This pretty much speaks for itself. Eels are terrifying. HOWEVER, by including the word “charming,” people automatically think that you’re complimenting them, and you’re off the hook.
“You’re as cuddly as a cactus,”
Don’t hug cacti. Even the fuzzy looking ones. They are not fuzzy. And therefore, this is an ideal insult. Basically it’s saying “I want to hug you because you look fuzzy, but I know it’s a lie. You’re a liar.”
“Your heart’s an empty hole.”
If people get mad at you for using this insult, just pretend you were expressing medical concern.
“You have termites in your smile.”
This one is OBVIOUSLY a double insult. But if you say it in a concerned tone of voice, people check their teeth.******** Which is funny.
********I’m serious. They will. It’s instinct.
“You have all the tender sweetness of a seasick crocodile.”
Much like calling someone “charming,” the inclusion of “tender sweetness” ensures that people will stop listening to your insult before you get to the insulting bit. You’re off the hook.
“You nauseate me”
“Your heart is full of unwashed socks”
And my all-time favorite:
“Your brain is full of spiders,”
Now, I have accused a plethora of people of having spiders in their brains. It’s worked out well for me. In part because people are more confused than insulted. And when that happens, they don’t get mad at you. It gets all the insulting out of your system, without all the hurt feelings after. Win-win!
In other news, that guy who uses his bajillionaire powers for good made Jurassic Park a real thing.
It’s a DINOSAUR THEME PARK.
This marks a historic moment in time, guys. This marks the official moment when there is finally a romantic replacement for the “Jaws popping out of the water at Universal Studios” proposal.