And I tried. Seriously. But apparently Zoosk is generally against me not being a part of its online community. It must be my innate charm. Or my photos that make me look like a deranged convict.

Go ahead. Just try and figure out what I actually look like from this helpful photo.

It’s probably the photos.

You may have gleaned that in recent times, I have had excessive practice dating. Well, I went on a hiatus. I tried to quit all of the online dating sites that were amusing me in my off hours. Amazingly, some of them refused my attempts to quit.* Ultimately this means that my profile still lurks the dark pages of the Internet, inviting messages that prompt email alerts and make a girl feel popular.

*By repeatedly breaking every time I tried to quit, until I got tired of the Internet and wandered off to watch The Muppet Show and eat cookies.

One of Zoosk’s unique site gimmicks is that they rank your popularity. Apparently, I am popular.

Thanks, Zoosk!

And apparently in this context, popular means “dead in the middle average.” They have their own dictionary. It applies only to the land of Internet dating.

I would like to share with you the sweet seduction of Zoosk. These are the first messages people send me. We haven’t been conversing before. In fact, Zoosk only lets you send or read one message before demanding you pay them money and join their cult forever.** And, this one special time, I am going to also share with you my reactions to these smooth moves.

**Until you break down and marry whoever comes along, just to get the hell off the site.

Click if you would like to join the magical world of…really awkward messages.

Zoosketry
(Better defined as “Zoosk Poetry.” The dulcet words of potential woo-ers in the Land of Zoosk.)

“Hello, I’m a thief, and I’m here to steal your heart.”
(Hands off. I need that for circulation. But I appreciate your polite up-frontness.)

“Hi. Call <number redacted>. Mua.”
(What, for a good time? Is this a bathroom stall wall? Also, what is mua? Is that a kiss noise, or your name, or some form of Internet abbreviation I am too out of touch to know? I NEED ANSWERS.)

“I wanna practice wit u.”
(Practice _what_ exactly?)

“<Number redacted>”
(What, no instructions?! How will I know what to do with those digits?!)

“I’d love to go muddin’ with you.”
(I don’t…what…I…Get off the Internet!)

“First quality I notice in a woman is a beautiful smile. Yours has overwhelmed me in a wonderful way I never thought possible …”
(Oh crap. My smile is overwhelming?! I didn’t know. Have I been using this power for evil? NOOOOOO.)

“Wow u so beautiful”
(Thanks!)

“You don’t need a car to drive me crazy!”
(Oh, I see what you did there….)

“Wouldn’t we look cute on top of a wedding cake?”
(Oh, hey now. Hey hey hey. I haven’t even said hello yet. Now we’re going to go ruin someone’s wedding and stand on a ca-Oh. Oh. I see. That’s moving a little quickly, don’t you think?)

“Hi my is Jimmy and I.”
(…I don’t know where to go from here, Jimmy and I. I got nothin’.)

“I lost my phone number can I have yours?”
(YES! IT FINALLY HAPPENED! Someone ACTUALLY used this line on me!! And no.)

“I love cats.”
(Done. Done deal. Lets go get on top of a wedding cake. Just save me from this site.)

Now, you might think this is bragging. That I’m preening over how many people on the Internet have said nice things to me. But if you’re thinking that, then you have never been on an online dating site. First messages bubble with flattery and tales of your legendary beauty*** in the hopes of making a good impression – not because they actually think you’re pretty.

***Or handsomeness. I’m totally not sexiest. And I have no idea what the man experience is on these. Maybe women just send you messages that say “Meeee-yow!” and “Hey Hot Buns.” It could be painfully objectifying and way less flattering. It probably is, since none of you are wearing any shirts.

Also, in case you were wondering, Zoosk sent me a message today. On Zoosk.

Apparently Zoosk allowed someone to pick the username Zoosk. Way to go, Zoosk.

The Internet is a land of lies. But there’s consolation in the universe. Like when your friend makes you ninjabread cookies and you eat them all while watching The Muppet Show.

It’s a proven fact. Cookies that fight are the most delicious cookies, because only the best survive to consumption.

Happy Friday, you guys.