This Is Why I Shouldn’t Have the Internet

Google Hangouts brings me a lot of joy. It lets me keep in touch with my friends, and pick their brains for information I know nothing about (which often makes me seem smarter than I am while at work. Thanks, friends!)

On the other hand, it is also the devil.

I'm lying. I miss the 90s.

I am so over AOL Instant Messenger.

Conversation with H.W. and Mr. L*

(You will notice Mr. L spends a vast majority of this conversation not paying any attention at all, and only chips in to impart sage advice that does not come from Journey lyrics. This is, disturbingly, the norm.)

Me: Good morning gentlemen
The world is a terrible place: Charles Manson has a girlfriend even though he murdered people and is in jail.

(Seriously. It’s true. Click the link and lose all faith in other people.)

H.W:  http://www.agamenticus.org/index.php/mt-a-webcam
GUYS
GUYS
THERE IS A MOTHERSNEEZING* SNOWY OWL ON MT. AGATMENTICUS
AND ITS ON CAM

*Mothersneezing is DEFINITELY the word he used. Trust me.

Lookit the cute!

It looked much colder than this one. But still. Snowy Owl, y’all.
Wikipedia knows you want to know about Snowy Owls, too.

Me: I’m not clicking ANY link from you that includes the word “webcam.”

(This is a lesson I learned the hard way. Do not trust H.W., especially if he’s been Googling webcams.)

H.W.: A SNOWY OWL!!!!!!
Also
Mothersneezer
This is gorgeious

Me: CHARLES MANSON HAS A GIRLFRIEND
AND I AM SINGLE
I HAVE NOT KILLED EVEN ONE SINGLE PERSON, EVER**

**Totally true fact.

H.W.: #&%!@ DATING!
SNOWY OWL!  They are very rare and this is on the fringe of its habitat

Me: Stoppit. Stop finding beauty in the world
It’s an awful place
Where CHARLES MOTHERSNEEZING*** MANSON HAS A GIRLFRIEND

***I’m going to make this a real swear if it kills me.

H.W.: Did you click it?
^%!$ &^%!#$!****

****Censored to protect your fragile eyeballs from copious swears. You’re welcome.

Me: I did. It’s beautiful.
I hate you

H.W.: acquire snowy owl
LOOK AT DAH PLOOMAGE
what a mothersneezin’ bad ass

Me: ….
You’re missing the point here

H.W.:haha
DAT PLOOMAGE

Me: A serial killer psychopath has a 25 year old girlfriend, and you watch mountains with a webcam
The world is going to end and it’s all going to be your fault

Stop using up all the Internet. I want to watch the owl.

(2 hours later)

Mr. L: yo dawg
Chillax
Murderers are dark, mysterious, and alluring to the female persona
The lesson you should take from this, is that you’re pleased to learn that someone is dating a murderer, and it’s not you
Because you have better taste

The real lesson, y’all, is this:

My friends are really bad at paying attention to serial killers.

Give it up, Mr. Manson

See? No one is happy about this nonsense.

Here are some things about owls:

PBS says they’re totally magic. Really. But only the Snowy ones.

Owls can swivel their heads like that girl in The Exorcist. (Only it’s not as terrifying. And way more adorable.)

Apparently Snowy Owls only mate in May, so they’re totally my birthday owls. (That could be a thing. I’m making it a thing.)

2 thoughts on “This Is Why I Shouldn’t Have the Internet

  1. Pingback: America Is Teetering on the Verge of Civil Destruction | Perpetual Plot Hole

  2. Pingback: I Am Not in Favor of Filled Sugar Products | Perpetual Plot Hole

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