It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year…

Halloween is the holiday I celebrate for a full month. (Ok, admittedly, I also do this with both Thanksgiving and Christmas.) Horror movie marathons start October 1, and carry on until I have to legitimately accept that it’s November and I have to start obsessing about semi-racist Thanksgiving decorations. Candy shopping happens sporadically (Mostly because all those horror movie marathons need snack, and then I remember I have to compensate for trick-or-treaters). I make plans to go to every single party I’m invited to.

This year, I made my own stegosaurus costume.

In my head it looked like this.

This glorious example of costume excellence and artistry is courtesy of my favorite blog, Hyperbole and a Half. Go read it and buy her book.

This glorious example of costume excellence and artistry is courtesy of my favorite blog, Hyperbole and a Half. Go read it and buy her book.

What it really looked like was this:

I was chasing a tiny dog dressed like a dinosaur at this time.

I was chasing a tiny dog dressed like a dinosaur at this time.

I’m on a classic costume kick, so I was going to dress as the bride of Dracula for work today…but then I realized I had to go to the mall at lunch for an errand, and didn’t want to deal with long frilly sleeves in the stores.

That’s right. The mall affected my wardrobe decisions for the day.

So, I’m a blood sucking lawyer. Because I am both work appropriate and _hilarious_. (For reference, no one in the office thinks this is even remotely entertaining. Apparently the term “blood sucking lawyer” hasn’t made it to the south yet.)

Halloween Blood Sucking Lawyer

Lawyers _Totally_ make this face. Just go see one and tell them you can’t afford to pay them.

I may be one of the few adults below the Mason-Dixon line who actually enjoys Halloween, but by golly, I’m going to celebrate it enough for everyone. You’re welcome, the South.

(This blog post is very short and unenthusiastic because no one will leave me alone today and I used up all my creativity this month on costumes. It’s a finite resource, y’all.)

Life Lesson: The DMV

Life Lesson 7,246:

The DMV does not actually have any customer service representatives. They actually just have a hold line. It’s a social experiment on patience. 

I have a unique relationship with the DMV. It goes beyond the traditional annoyances most people experience, for one simple reason: I have cartoon eyes.*

Over the course of the last 13 years (since I turned 15 and got my driver’s permit), I have spent more time dealing with the Department of Motor Vehicles than most people do their whole lives. I send them documents from fancy doctors. I visit their offices and charm their employees (Read this as: inflict unrelenting sarcasm on their employees). Oddly enough, I’ve never before had to call them. And that leads us to today’s life lesson.

The DMV sent me a love note. It read:

“Hi ho, little driver.

Just so you know, we’ve arbitrarily decided your driving privileges will expire in a week. Because we never received the paperwork you sent in a month ago.


The DMV”

(I may be paraphrasing.)

So, obviously, I found myself required to call the DMV. For three days, I called and called, and sat on hold and sat on hold. It doesn’t matter what day you call, or what time of the day. No one will answer. You will find yourself having to dig up the local office’s number, call them, and demand to be transfered through eight different people in order to get this matter clarified.

Because there are no customer service representatives at the DMV.

The California DMV is even using robot terminals to avoid letting you talk to a real person.

The California DMV is even using robot terminals to avoid letting you talk to a real person. Tragically, NC doesn’t even give you robots.

If you find yourself in this position ever, I have provided a handy list of ways to entertain yourself and not waste any of your valuable time.

Things You Can Do While on Hold with the DMV

    • Blow dry your hair. Into three different styles.
    • Make a salad, a sandwich, and a tiny pie invention.
    • Doodle over six pages of mini notebook paper.
    • Draft four blog posts.
    • Quadruple overbrew a cup of tea.
    • Rebrew the cup of tea you ruined.
    • Have a philosophical discussion about doodles and lung cancer with a man smoking outside your office building.
My eyes do not sparkle like this.

My eyes do not sparkle like this.

*I’m not kidding. My eyes literally sparkle. Like a cartoon. It’s a condition called “synchronous rotatory nystagmus.” My eyes are constantly refocusing, causing them to shift like someone spinning a combination lock.One would imagine this to be very cool (and of course it is) but it also just so happens to make me entirely unable to take traditional eye tests.  It’s just one of many entertaining quirks that came with my baby-blues. It’s congenital and stable; it just means I’ll never see 20/20.

Today’s Favorite Thing: Shark Stalking

That’s right. Oprah isn’t the only one with favorite things.

This post could have been entitled “Someone hid all the coffee in the break room and so I’m probably going to go to prison,” but I thought that was kind of a mouthful. So, instead, I bring you one of my favorite things.

OMG, y'all! You can follow SPECIFIC SHARKS. And his name is "Rizzilient." It's like I'm stalking a shark rap star you guys!!!

OMG, y’all! You can follow SPECIFIC SHARKS. And his name is “Rizzilient.” It’s like I’m stalking a shark rap star you guys!!!

Shark stalking. Because sharks deserve more than 1.92% (1/52, in fraction form. That’s right. This is a mathematical reference to Shark Week) of your year.

I’m not even going to tell you how many hours I have sunk into stalking sharks while listening to the theme from Jaws. (Hint: It’s definitely more than thirty.)

So why is shark stalking cool?

(…That’s just a silly question. I know. It’s condescending of me to even pretend you would be asking that. You’re cooler than that. I know. But not everyone reading this is! So I have to explain it to them. Oh, man. You’re so patient. I’m so glad I have readers like you.)

Shark stalking is cool, and worthy of favoritism, because of science. You may think it’s because of how sharks are totally awesome and capable of eating people and have their own theme song, but it’s (mostly) not. Have you ever thought about how amazing it is that we can use technology to find out where one single creature is on the face of the planet? Under the ocean, no less? I mean, c’mon. If I told you to find one specific shark, and you had no access to the Shark Stalker, you’d be doomed.

Science has expanded on the human ability to creepily watch something no matter where it is in the world. That. Is. Amazing.

Today’s favorite thing has been brought to you by my friend Stef, who is quite obviously super brilliant and deserves a cookie. A shark shaped cookie.

Image courtesy of Sweet Dani B. Click for link.


Financial Ideas from a Recession-Era College Graduate

A few of you might know I’ve been considering a serious career change. Unfortunately, swapping from relatively successful career to a new career, and managing to maintain the “relatively successful” part can be kind of problematic. With that in mind, I’ve spent the past three weeks brainstorming and plotting how I might be able to afford nursing school without going broke or giving myself an overworked nervous breakdown.

This morning, inspiration struck…in the form of “I should write a Craigslist ad.”*

That’s right. Craigslist. The original “bleak meetup” site for missed connections, odd hookups, garage sales and new apartments. So, for the benefit of others like me, I am sharing the sweet poetry of how to subsidize your advanced schooling and career change in the form of a Craigslist ad. This ad is focused on nursing, as that is my ideal career swap of choice, and really, this is all about me here, people. (And my quest to discover just how many commas I can put in one sentence. Current record: 8.)

For your benefit, I have included parentheticals noting the logic behind all the bits of this ad.

“Ad Title: I Want to be a Nurse
(Because really, just putting the word nurse on Craigslist in any ad section is going to get lots of interest.)

Hi! Like the title of this ad, I want to be a nurse. There’s just one small problem with this wild career change plan of mine: I’m already paying college loans, and can’t afford to just live income free for a couple years.
(Because all the people on Craigslist really want to know your personal motivations.)

That, my friend, is where you come in.
(Using “you” and “my friend” here makes this ad feel like it was personally written for the reader! You’ve got ‘em now!)

I’m looking for a sugar daddy.**
(Don’t be coy. Readers will respect your direct honesty.)

Are you old, rich, and weird? Then I’m the right investment for you!

A) I’m college educated, but I do an _excellent_ valley girl voice, so I can be bimbo-y arm candy any time you need it!
B) I’ve maintained a solid and steady employment history since graduating from college. So, I am totally capable of any amount of independence.
C) You can think of funding my education as a directly contribution to a local charity. I’m local. And, I’m kind of a charity case.
D) I’ll be learning about nursing, so I can clearly help with your at home care, if you’re old enough to need it.

(Highlight your redeeming qualities! But don’t sound slutty. You don’t want them to get the wrong idea. You need money, but you have standards.)

So how do you get in on this great deal?

1) Make enough money to pay my room, board, old student loans, nursing school payments, and some “running around money.”
2) Have the desire to be a benefactor.
3) Write me into your will.

(Mix it up. Use numbers here instead of letters. It’ll throw them for a loop and they’ll skip the fact that you want to be written into their rich person will.)

That’s it!

References are required. I don’t want to be murdered, y’all.”*** (It’s important in everything you write for the internet that you highlight the fact that you do not want to be murdered.)

It’s as easy as that! One simple ad, and all your financial troubles are over! Or rather, in this instance, my financial troubles are over.

All the best brainstorms happen during Monday morning showers.

*Don’t do this. It’s a bad plan.

**Seriously. I mean it. Don’t do this.

***Are you really still considering this? Stoppit. This is how you get murdered.

Why Ninjas Don't Sit in the Sun

This is a drawing of a ninja being attacked by a very small superhero under a very convincing sun, which has been added simply to ensure that you read the for-your-safety footnotes above. _You’re welcome._

Things I have Said to People This Week – October 18-25

I choose to summarize my week for you by simply sharing a few of the things I have said to coworkers, friends, and strangers over the past seven days.

“My jelly bean tastes like a dreamsicle.”

“Don’t discount ALL of China, dude.”

“I’m pretty sure a bearshark would improve my outlook on life.”

“What do you mean we can’t do that now? We live IN THE FUTURE!!!”

“Sorry – I can’t come to trivia. I have to sew the spikes on my tail.”

“And we can pick out potential sugar daddies for me!”

“I think conforming to their rules of engagement are a lot like playing Sorry with an 8 year old.”

“Bees don’t want children. They want flowers.”

And now, I present my personal method for keeping people from stealing all your coffee creamer from the work fridge:

I would like to remind you that I have no children. This was purchase as a wine-drinking safety device.

I would like to remind you that I have no children. This was purchase as a wine-drinking safety device.

I drink soy milk in my coffee. People were drinking all of my soy milk. I solved this problem by putting my soy milk in a sippy cup. Now everyone is afraid of what might actually be inside this cup. Problem solved, y’all.