A few of you might know I’ve been considering a serious career change. Unfortunately, swapping from relatively successful career to a new career, and managing to maintain the “relatively successful” part can be kind of problematic. With that in mind, I’ve spent the past three weeks brainstorming and plotting how I might be able to afford nursing school without going broke or giving myself an overworked nervous breakdown.

This morning, inspiration struck…in the form of “I should write a Craigslist ad.”*

That’s right. Craigslist. The original “bleak meetup” site for missed connections, odd hookups, garage sales and new apartments. So, for the benefit of others like me, I am sharing the sweet poetry of how to subsidize your advanced schooling and career change in the form of a Craigslist ad. This ad is focused on nursing, as that is my ideal career swap of choice, and really, this is all about me here, people. (And my quest to discover just how many commas I can put in one sentence. Current record: 8.)

For your benefit, I have included parentheticals noting the logic behind all the bits of this ad.

“Ad Title: I Want to be a Nurse
(Because really, just putting the word nurse on Craigslist in any ad section is going to get lots of interest.)

Hi! Like the title of this ad, I want to be a nurse. There’s just one small problem with this wild career change plan of mine: I’m already paying college loans, and can’t afford to just live income free for a couple years.
(Because all the people on Craigslist really want to know your personal motivations.)

That, my friend, is where you come in.
(Using “you” and “my friend” here makes this ad feel like it was personally written for the reader! You’ve got ‘em now!)

I’m looking for a sugar daddy.**
(Don’t be coy. Readers will respect your direct honesty.)

Are you old, rich, and weird? Then I’m the right investment for you!

A) I’m college educated, but I do an _excellent_ valley girl voice, so I can be bimbo-y arm candy any time you need it!
B) I’ve maintained a solid and steady employment history since graduating from college. So, I am totally capable of any amount of independence.
C) You can think of funding my education as a directly contribution to a local charity. I’m local. And, I’m kind of a charity case.
D) I’ll be learning about nursing, so I can clearly help with your at home care, if you’re old enough to need it.

(Highlight your redeeming qualities! But don’t sound slutty. You don’t want them to get the wrong idea. You need money, but you have standards.)

So how do you get in on this great deal?

1) Make enough money to pay my room, board, old student loans, nursing school payments, and some “running around money.”
2) Have the desire to be a benefactor.
3) Write me into your will.

(Mix it up. Use numbers here instead of letters. It’ll throw them for a loop and they’ll skip the fact that you want to be written into their rich person will.)

That’s it!

References are required. I don’t want to be murdered, y’all.”*** (It’s important in everything you write for the internet that you highlight the fact that you do not want to be murdered.)”

It’s as easy as that! One simple ad, and all your financial troubles are over! Or rather, in this instance, my financial troubles are over.

All the best brainstorms happen during Monday morning showers.

*Don’t do this. It’s a bad plan.

**Seriously. I mean it. Don’t do this.

***Are you really still considering this? Stoppit. This is how you get murdered.

This is a drawing of a ninja being attacked by a very small superhero under a very convincing sun, which has been added simply to ensure that you read the for-your-safety footnotes above. _You’re welcome._