I choose to summarize my week for you by simply sharing a few of the things I have said to coworkers, friends, and strangers over the past seven days.

“My jelly bean tastes like a dreamsicle.”

“Don’t discount ALL of China, dude.”

“I’m pretty sure a bearshark would improve my outlook on life.”

“What do you mean we can’t do that now? We live IN THE FUTURE!!!”

“Sorry – I can’t come to trivia. I have to sew the spikes on my tail.”

“And we can pick out potential sugar daddies for me!”

“I think conforming to their rules of engagement are a lot like playing Sorry with an 8 year old.”

“Bees don’t want children. They want flowers.”

And now, I present my personal method for keeping people from stealing all your coffee creamer from the work fridge:

I would like to remind you that I have no children. This was purchase as a wine-drinking safety device.

I drink soy milk in my coffee. People were drinking all of my soy milk. I solved this problem by putting my soy milk in a sippy cup. Now everyone is afraid of what might actually be inside this cup. Problem solved, y’all.