I Will Not Get Off the Couch and Go to the Grocery Store for Salad

….But I will go for cupcakes and cranberry juice.

It’s been a really ridiculous few weeks. You may have even noticed my absence.* I swear, I did not abandon you on purpose. I have a good*** reason, I swear. You can read about it at the end of this post if you want.
*Awww, you did? That’s so sweet! I missed you** too.
**Just you. Don’t tell everyone else, but you’re my favorite.
***Lame.

This is what my “Everything is ridiculous” couch pose looks like. It’s my own form of yoga, and I am head guru of it. I am, in fact, accepting students at this time.

This is what my “Everything is ridiculous” couch pose looks like. It’s my own form of yoga, and I am head guru of it. I am, in fact, accepting students at this time.

What I’m saying here, people, is that I haven’t gone grocery shopping in weeks.

Seriously. I own three types of candy, one mostly empty bag of chips, and a lot of spices.

Seriously. I own three types of candy, one mostly empty bag of chips, and a lot of spices.

There is no food in my house.

Except the three types of candy, mostly empty bag of chips, and all the spices.

Except the three types of candy, mostly empty bag of chips, and all the spices.

Not owning any food means I have been primarily living on fast food, candy, pizza, and granola bars. It’s a slow-motion descent into the wild and crazy world of malnutrition. And so, from my artful pose on the couch last night, it occurred to me that I should eat a vegetable. Any vegetable would probably do.

Salads are made of all the vegetables, and are thusly the high king of all vegetables. Malnutrition can be solved by salads. Because that’s how Science works.

Salads are made of all the vegetables, and are thusly the high king of all vegetables. Malnutrition can be solved by salads. Because that’s how Science works.

But then I remembered the couch was comfortable.

And that groceries ARE hard. There are so many things to look at and buy. And so many types of candy to try NOT to buy.

And that groceries ARE hard. There are so many things to look at and buy. And so many types of candy to try NOT to buy.

Thirty minutes later, inspiration struck. It struck like a freight train. Or like an affectionate four-year-old-niece filled with sugar.*****
*****Not that I would ever give my niece sugar or anything. Definitely not. I am responsible. And probably an adult who can be trusted with small people. Probably.

THESE ARE THE THINGS THAT I NEED AND I MUST HAVE THEM NOW.

THESE ARE THE THINGS THAT I NEED AND I MUST HAVE THEM NOW.

Suddenly, a trip to the store didn’t seem so hard. It became a fleeting quest to procure cupcakes and juice – the most noble and desirable of prizes.

Look! I can find my keys! LIFE SKILLS!

Look! I can find my keys! LIFE SKILLS!

Filled with my mission, I wasn’t distracted by things like candy or toys or lofty thoughts of buying all-the-ingredients-to-make-actual-meals. I was focused. My trip to the store took 7 minutes and 34 seconds, and then…then my good friends, there were cupcakes.

AND THEY WERE DELICIOUS.

AND THEY WERE DELICIOUS.

And juice.

And everything was good again.

 

THE REASON:

Sometimes I talk about The Company – the sweet, sweet conglomeration of corporation-ness that pays me dollars and gives me a reason to use some of my more boring skills. Apparently they have noticed my undying love and blissful devotion******
******Tendency to show up every day and do what I’m told.

So they promoted me.

This has resulted in a reshuffle of my responsibilities and priorities, and a general mucking up of my time management “skills.”

But mostly it has resulted in me ending every extra-long workday by falling on my couch and refusing to get up. Because success is, apparently, super complicated and exhausting.

21 thoughts on “I Will Not Get Off the Couch and Go to the Grocery Store for Salad

  1. Good going on the promotion!

    And yeah, you just have to take the motivation where you can get it. If it is cupcakes, then so be it!

  2. Haven’t they heard of mandatory blog breaks, even for (especially for) recently promoted individuals!

    Well done on being promoted 😀

    and yeay!! You are back here!! stay now it is a good place to play! and we need to see more you your cat’s mini human feet 🙂

  3. Hi !

    Once more, you got possessed by “malnutrition temptation”. As I often say, “best food is fatty food, the most delectable and enjoyable”. But, we all know the drawbacks of these products, no need to quote them therefore.
    As long as you remain healthy, eat what you want ! ;D

  4. Your posts have definitely been missed! Congratulations on the promotion!

    (I love how the cat evolves from ‘perfectly normal kitty’ into ‘evil-eyeliner-cat’ in just a few post-its. IT’S A FACT OF LIFE!)

  5. I generally only go to the grocery store when I’m out of coffee, or shampoo. Sometimes.
    Congrats on the promotion! I hope you’re having fun!

    • Thanks! Ok, I confess…”promotion” is sort of an evil thing…I get to feel all important, but four times the work makes it harder to blog…

      And you’re right. Coffee and shampoo are the only necessities worth going to the store for…

  6. I try to tell myself corn is a vegetable (which is questionable), therefore corn tortilla chips are also a vegetable (which they are not). But it sure is easy to get five servings of vegetables when a bag of chips is around 🙂

  7. Pingback: My House Is Being Haunted by The Worst Ghost | Perpetual Plot Hole

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