I will not make it to work in the same condition.
For the first time in my life, my place of employment is now in a proper downtown area.* This is a new development – today was my very first day working downtown.
*We’ve spoken before about how I totally live in a real city, with big tall buildings and things. We call our downtown “uptown,” because in the South, we like to confuse outsiders.
Which means I spent extra time this morning dressing up all slick and business-y. You know, so I could fit in with all the other highly professional and snappily dressed adults.
But little did I know that the universe was conspiring against me. I’d made resolutions to eat healthy foods and avoid the costly temptations of a downtown diet. I’d packed salad in my bag for lunch, and yogurt for breakfast. Clearly, I was prepared for the onslaught of very-cool-things that metropolitan areas can offer.
It stopped me in my tracks. The sweet smells of baked treats and coffee slithered through the air like that hypnotic python in The Jungle Book.** They were calling to me.
**A source of many of my childhood nightmares,*** and therefore a perfect comparison.
***HE CAN HYPNOTIZE YOU WITH HIS SPINNING EYES!
I tried to resist them.
It was not effective.
Mostly because the sweet, sweet smells were leading me to my office building, y’all.
And so I went to my first meeting with a bag full of cookies and an extra-giant soy cappuccino.
Looking substantially less business-important than I did 20 minutes before that.
I’m taking this as a sign that the universe probably wants me to go completely broke, and live entirely on sugar.
I hear you, Universe.