healthy eating

It Does Not Matter How Fancy I Dress in the Morning

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19

I will not make it to work in the same condition.

For the first time in my life, my place of employment is now in a proper downtown area.* This is a new development – today was my very first day working downtown.
*We’ve spoken before about how I totally live in a real city, with big tall buildings and things. We call our downtown “uptown,” because in the South, we like to confuse outsiders.

Which means I spent extra time this morning dressing up all slick and business-y. You know, so I could fit in with all the other highly professional and snappily dressed adults.

See? There’re business heels and a business coat, and even business hair. I’ve got this “professional” thing down.

See? There’re business heels and a business coat, and even business hair. I’ve got this “professional” thing down.

But little did I know that the universe was conspiring against me. I’d made resolutions to eat healthy foods and avoid the costly temptations of a downtown diet. I’d packed salad in my bag for lunch, and yogurt for breakfast. Clearly, I was prepared for the onslaught of very-cool-things that metropolitan areas can offer.

Nope. No one is prepared to resist cookie smells.

Nope. No one is prepared to resist cookie smells.

It stopped me in my tracks. The sweet smells of baked treats and coffee slithered through the air like that hypnotic python in The Jungle Book.** They were calling to me.
**A source of many of my childhood nightmares,*** and therefore a perfect comparison.
***HE CAN HYPNOTIZE YOU WITH HIS SPINNING EYES!

I tried to resist them.

This is my “resisting” pose.

This is my “resisting” pose.

It was not effective.

This is my “totally not resisting” pose.

This is my “totally not resisting” pose.

Mostly because the sweet, sweet smells were leading me to my office building, y’all.

Smooshing your face up against the window glass of a fancy bakery is a very professional thing to do.

Smooshing your face up against the window glass of a fancy bakery is a very professional thing to do.

And so I went to my first meeting with a bag full of cookies and an extra-giant soy cappuccino.

Best. Meeting. Ever.

Best. Meeting. Ever.

Looking substantially less business-important than I did 20 minutes before that.

I’m taking this as a sign that the universe probably wants me to go completely broke, and live entirely on sugar.

This is a double-marshmallow rice krispy treat covered in CARAMEL CORN, guys, _Caramel corn._

This is a double-marshmallow rice krispy treat covered in CARAMEL CORN, guys,
_Caramel corn._

I hear you, Universe.

I Will Not Get Off the Couch and Go to the Grocery Store for Salad

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21

….But I will go for cupcakes and cranberry juice.

It’s been a really ridiculous few weeks. You may have even noticed my absence.* I swear, I did not abandon you on purpose. I have a good*** reason, I swear. You can read about it at the end of this post if you want.
*Awww, you did? That’s so sweet! I missed you** too.
**Just you. Don’t tell everyone else, but you’re my favorite.
***Lame.

This is what my “Everything is ridiculous” couch pose looks like. It’s my own form of yoga, and I am head guru of it. I am, in fact, accepting students at this time.

This is what my “Everything is ridiculous” couch pose looks like. It’s my own form of yoga, and I am head guru of it. I am, in fact, accepting students at this time.

What I’m saying here, people, is that I haven’t gone grocery shopping in weeks.

Seriously. I own three types of candy, one mostly empty bag of chips, and a lot of spices.

Seriously. I own three types of candy, one mostly empty bag of chips, and a lot of spices.

There is no food in my house.

Except the three types of candy, mostly empty bag of chips, and all the spices.

Except the three types of candy, mostly empty bag of chips, and all the spices.

Not owning any food means I have been primarily living on fast food, candy, pizza, and granola bars. It’s a slow-motion descent into the wild and crazy world of malnutrition. And so, from my artful pose on the couch last night, it occurred to me that I should eat a vegetable. Any vegetable would probably do.

Salads are made of all the vegetables, and are thusly the high king of all vegetables. Malnutrition can be solved by salads. Because that’s how Science works.

Salads are made of all the vegetables, and are thusly the high king of all vegetables. Malnutrition can be solved by salads. Because that’s how Science works.

But then I remembered the couch was comfortable.

And that groceries ARE hard. There are so many things to look at and buy. And so many types of candy to try NOT to buy.

And that groceries ARE hard. There are so many things to look at and buy. And so many types of candy to try NOT to buy.

Thirty minutes later, inspiration struck. It struck like a freight train. Or like an affectionate four-year-old-niece filled with sugar.*****
*****Not that I would ever give my niece sugar or anything. Definitely not. I am responsible. And probably an adult who can be trusted with small people. Probably.

THESE ARE THE THINGS THAT I NEED AND I MUST HAVE THEM NOW.

THESE ARE THE THINGS THAT I NEED AND I MUST HAVE THEM NOW.

Suddenly, a trip to the store didn’t seem so hard. It became a fleeting quest to procure cupcakes and juice – the most noble and desirable of prizes.

Look! I can find my keys! LIFE SKILLS!

Look! I can find my keys! LIFE SKILLS!

Filled with my mission, I wasn’t distracted by things like candy or toys or lofty thoughts of buying all-the-ingredients-to-make-actual-meals. I was focused. My trip to the store took 7 minutes and 34 seconds, and then…then my good friends, there were cupcakes.

AND THEY WERE DELICIOUS.

AND THEY WERE DELICIOUS.

And juice.

And everything was good again.

 

THE REASON:

Sometimes I talk about The Company – the sweet, sweet conglomeration of corporation-ness that pays me dollars and gives me a reason to use some of my more boring skills. Apparently they have noticed my undying love and blissful devotion******
******Tendency to show up every day and do what I’m told.

So they promoted me.

This has resulted in a reshuffle of my responsibilities and priorities, and a general mucking up of my time management “skills.”

But mostly it has resulted in me ending every extra-long workday by falling on my couch and refusing to get up. Because success is, apparently, super complicated and exhausting.