work

….But I will go for cupcakes and cranberry juice.

It’s been a really ridiculous few weeks. You may have even noticed my absence.* I swear, I did not abandon you on purpose. I have a good*** reason, I swear. You can read about it at the end of this post if you want.
*Awww, you did? That’s so sweet! I missed you** too.
**Just you. Don’t tell everyone else, but you’re my favorite.
***Lame.

This is what my “Everything is ridiculous” couch pose looks like. It’s my own form of yoga, and I am head guru of it. I am, in fact, accepting students at this time.

What I’m saying here, people, is that I haven’t gone grocery shopping in weeks.

Seriously. I own three types of candy, one mostly empty bag of chips, and a lot of spices.

There is no food in my house.

Except the three types of candy, mostly empty bag of chips, and all the spices.

Not owning any food means I have been primarily living on fast food, candy, pizza, and granola bars. It’s a slow-motion descent into the wild and crazy world of malnutrition. And so, from my artful pose on the couch last night, it occurred to me that I should eat a vegetable. Any vegetable would probably do.

Salads are made of all the vegetables, and are thusly the high king of all vegetables. Malnutrition can be solved by salads. Because that’s how Science works.

But then I remembered the couch was comfortable.

And that groceries ARE hard. There are so many things to look at and buy. And so many types of candy to try NOT to buy.

Thirty minutes later, inspiration struck. It struck like a freight train. Or like an affectionate four-year-old-niece filled with sugar.*****
*****Not that I would ever give my niece sugar or anything. Definitely not. I am responsible. And probably an adult who can be trusted with small people. Probably.

THESE ARE THE THINGS THAT I NEED AND I MUST HAVE THEM NOW.

Suddenly, a trip to the store didn’t seem so hard. It became a fleeting quest to procure cupcakes and juice – the most noble and desirable of prizes.

Look! I can find my keys! LIFE SKILLS!

Filled with my mission, I wasn’t distracted by things like candy or toys or lofty thoughts of buying all-the-ingredients-to-make-actual-meals. I was focused. My trip to the store took 7 minutes and 34 seconds, and then…then my good friends, there were cupcakes.

AND THEY WERE DELICIOUS.

And juice.

And everything was good again.

THE REASON:

Sometimes I talk about The Company – the sweet, sweet conglomeration of corporation-ness that pays me dollars and gives me a reason to use some of my more boring skills. Apparently they have noticed my undying love and blissful devotion******
******Tendency to show up every day and do what I’m told.

So they promoted me.

This has resulted in a reshuffle of my responsibilities and priorities, and a general mucking up of my time management “skills.”

But mostly it has resulted in me ending every extra-long workday by falling on my couch and refusing to get up. Because success is, apparently, super complicated and exhausting.

Or: Cubicles are Wildly Undervalued and I Am Jealous of Everyone Who Has One

I work in an office that has run out of space. The Company is growing, which is fantabulous*, but it also means that cubicles have become a high-value commodity and offices are non-existent. Because of this, Marketing has migrated into a “collaborative workspace.”
*Totally a word. And The Company pays me for wordsmithing, so it’s pretty silly that you’d question me about words.

What this means is, we are no longer entitled to the luxury of walls. My office space looks like this:

Do not question my professional pigtails

Note that those are not cube-boxes. Those are deskspace mini-cubes. The few “walls” don’t even come out past the desk chairs.
But we do have desk chairs. So basically, we’re pretty spoiled.

This has led me to become a believer in giant headphones. I support them for a variety of reasons:

They make it legitimately impossible for me to hear my coworkers when I’m working.

They clearly signify to my coworkers that I cannot hear them.

They have a microphone on them, so I can use them in place of my telephone headset for conference calls.

See reason 2. This is important enough to repeat.

These headphones are clearly not small.
Also, this is my zen and productive work pose.

However, no matter how giant my headphones are, I have found that my coworkers still firmly believe that I am listening to all the conversation going on around me. Now, it’s true – the conversation is much more interesting than work. But as someone who is held responsible for creative** writing, as well as practical business*** writing on a regular basis, I need a bubble of clear headspace to accomplish my mission.
**Manipulative
***Also manipulative

This is an accurate representation of this situation happening.

When I become aware of people looking at me expectantly, I’m forced to do the polite thing and pull my headphones off to find out what was said. I mean, maybe my valuable advice**** is needed. Or maybe a new assignment has come down the pipeline. Maybe, as productive and essential marketers, everyone decided to get started on a new campaign idea.
****Valuable advice available here, here and here.

IT WAS A TRICK.

Nope.

This is never the case. And so I return to the delightful land of my cone of silence*****.
*****Or music. Cone of music. Same thing.

Whereupon the cycle promptly starts again.

So value your cube space, my friends. Value it…and send me some walls.

Perpetual Plot Hole

The misadventures, daring exploits, and tragic triple dog dares of a classy girl in her 20s

I Will Not Get Off the Couch and Go to the Grocery Store for Salad

….But I will go for cupcakes and cranberry juice.

Public Service Announcement #33: Do Not Ignore Headphones in the Workplace

Or: Cubicles are Wildly Undervalued and I Am Jealous of Everyone Who Has One

….But I will go for cupcakes and cranberry juice.

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Or: Cubicles are Wildly Undervalued and I Am Jealous of Everyone Who Has One

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