Someone Hid the Coffee and I Think the World May End

I am not known for my glowing morning-person personality. I am, however, a known coffee-holic.*
*Also cake-holic, marshmallow-holic, one-more-glass-of-wine-holic…Basically, I should be in a lot of Anonymous programs.


In retrospect, my life would be easier in the morning if I started keeping my coffee pot on the floor.

It’s the sweet nectar that lures me out of bed in the morning and the bribe I use to transform myself into a professional human being on work days. It is the difference between me staring blankly at the wall for half an hour and me writing a blog post.

In short, it is the breath of life. It is my Gummiberry Juice.

They are the gummi beeeeeeaaarrrs!

This is your obscure 80s/early 90s cartoon reference for the day.
Click for image source.

And this morning I did not wake up in time to make any coffee.** That shouldn’t be a problem. I work in a professional office with a fancy break room full of snacks and coffee-making things. So really, on mornings when I don’t make coffee, it’s just a short walk to work before I can have some nestled in my hands.
**I did not make it out of the shower in a reasonable amount of time, and was forced to choose between putting on clothes or making coffee. It was not an easy decision, and I regret the choice I made.

But apparently not today.



Today there is no coffee in the break room. Today, the fancy Keurig, source of all life in the office, sits idle. Someone unpacked the shipment of coffee somewhere secret and hidden. It may be a social experiment. It may be an act of aggression. It may just be general cruelty.

But I think it is an act of war.

And so, since I watched entirely too many episodes of The Walking Dead this week***, I am probably going to go to jail.
***Not true. Not possible. Just stick with me here people. Sometimes humor requires some mandatory exaggeration.

I am a great zombie

This is how TV has taught me to cope with things.

If you’ve never watched the Gummi Bears, a product of Disney’s imagination and corporate greed, then you should probably watch this. It’s the intro, and it sums the whole thing up nicely. “Hey kids! Learn that bouncing a lot and drinking sugar water is a great way to win EVERYTHING!”

Disney says you’re welcome, parents of the world.

Public Service Announcement #33: Do Not Ignore Headphones in the Workplace

Or: Cubicles are Wildly Undervalued and I Am Jealous of Everyone Who Has One

I work in an office that has run out of space. The Company is growing, which is fantabulous*, but it also means that cubicles have become a high-value commodity and offices are non-existent. Because of this, Marketing has migrated into a “collaborative workspace.”
*Totally a word. And The Company pays me for wordsmithing, so it’s pretty silly that you’d question me about words.

What this means is, we are no longer entitled to the luxury of walls. My office space looks like this:

Do not question my professional pigtails

Note that those are not cube-boxes. Those are deskspace mini-cubes. The few “walls” don’t even come out past the desk chairs.
But we do have desk chairs. So basically, we’re pretty spoiled.

This has led me to become a believer in giant headphones. I support them for a variety of reasons:

  1. They make it legitimately impossible for me to hear my coworkers when I’m working.
  2. They clearly signify to my coworkers that I cannot hear them.
  3. They have a microphone on them, so I can use them in place of my telephone headset for conference calls.
  4. See reason 2. This is important enough to repeat.
It's very productive

These headphones are clearly not small.
Also, this is my zen and productive work pose.

However, no matter how giant my headphones are, I have found that my coworkers still firmly believe that I am listening to all the conversation going on around me. Now, it’s true – the conversation is much more interesting than work. But as someone who is held responsible for creative** writing, as well as practical business*** writing on a regular basis, I need a bubble of clear headspace to accomplish my mission.
***Also manipulative


This is an accurate representation of this situation happening.

When I become aware of people looking at me expectantly, I’m forced to do the polite thing and pull my headphones off to find out what was said. I mean, maybe my valuable advice**** is needed. Or maybe a new assignment has come down the pipeline. Maybe, as productive and essential marketers, everyone decided to get started on a new campaign idea.
****Valuable advice available here, here and here.

Every. Single. Time.



This is never the case. And so I return to the delightful land of my cone of silence*****.
*****Or music. Cone of music. Same thing. 

Whereupon the cycle promptly starts again.


So value your cube space, my friends. Value it…and send me some walls.