Someone Hid the Coffee and I Think the World May End

I am not known for my glowing morning-person personality. I am, however, a known coffee-holic.*
*Also cake-holic, marshmallow-holic, one-more-glass-of-wine-holic…Basically, I should be in a lot of Anonymous programs.


In retrospect, my life would be easier in the morning if I started keeping my coffee pot on the floor.

It’s the sweet nectar that lures me out of bed in the morning and the bribe I use to transform myself into a professional human being on work days. It is the difference between me staring blankly at the wall for half an hour and me writing a blog post.

In short, it is the breath of life. It is my Gummiberry Juice.

They are the gummi beeeeeeaaarrrs!

This is your obscure 80s/early 90s cartoon reference for the day.
Click for image source.

And this morning I did not wake up in time to make any coffee.** That shouldn’t be a problem. I work in a professional office with a fancy break room full of snacks and coffee-making things. So really, on mornings when I don’t make coffee, it’s just a short walk to work before I can have some nestled in my hands.
**I did not make it out of the shower in a reasonable amount of time, and was forced to choose between putting on clothes or making coffee. It was not an easy decision, and I regret the choice I made.

But apparently not today.



Today there is no coffee in the break room. Today, the fancy Keurig, source of all life in the office, sits idle. Someone unpacked the shipment of coffee somewhere secret and hidden. It may be a social experiment. It may be an act of aggression. It may just be general cruelty.

But I think it is an act of war.

And so, since I watched entirely too many episodes of The Walking Dead this week***, I am probably going to go to jail.
***Not true. Not possible. Just stick with me here people. Sometimes humor requires some mandatory exaggeration.

I am a great zombie

This is how TV has taught me to cope with things.

If you’ve never watched the Gummi Bears, a product of Disney’s imagination and corporate greed, then you should probably watch this. It’s the intro, and it sums the whole thing up nicely. “Hey kids! Learn that bouncing a lot and drinking sugar water is a great way to win EVERYTHING!”

Disney says you’re welcome, parents of the world.

Let’s Talk about Teamwork

Because it’s time for a feel-good moment on the Internet that doesn’t involve kittens.* We’re taking the web back, people.

*That’s a lie. I WISH this involved kittens. More things should probably involve kittens. Not that I’m a cat lady or anything.

One of my very favorite people in the whole world** recently got stuck in the unfortunate position of having to hunt for a “new” car. “New” is justifiably in quotes, because what it really means is “new to her and hopefully functional, because she’s in grad school due to being brilliant, but that doesn’t yield a lot of money.” So really, my usage of “new” is practically an abbreviation.

**It’s a fierce competition to be my favorite. There’s a whole point system and everything. It’s a pretty corrupt system.

The good news is, she’s a terribly inspiring person. And what she inspired among her friends and husband was this: teamwork. Teamwork to find her a new car.

And in the process, we pretty much solved all our financial problems.

I’d like you to meet the world’s most exciting limo service:

Best. Ad. Ever

Luxury to suite your survival-related or undead needs!***
Click for amazing source.

***Please note. This is courtesy of Craigslist, which as we previously discussed, has everything. But it is really important to note that all this ad says about a zombie limo is: “Great car. Nothings wrong. Come see it and make an offer.” Which, uh, kind of makes me think it’s full of actual zombies.

Shortly to be run by a conglomeration of very responsible people***.

***My friends and I. Go on. Trust us.

It’s going to be the best ride ever. We just have a few questions first:

  1. Why are there no inside photos of this vehicle?
  2. Does the inside of this vehicle smell like hookers, death and meth?
  3. Is this vehicle for the safe transportation of people AVOIDING zombies, or is it for the transportation of zombies from place to place? We have to know our market, people.

Either way, I’m pretty sure this is a lucrative opportunity. And it goes hand in hand with the complementary joys of the obviously necessary catering accomplice:

Craigslist is the greatest thing ever.

It’s zombielicious.
Click for source.

Because what’s the point in transporting people avoiding zombies/zombies who need to travel if you can’t FEED them along the way? I mean, if we’re transporting zombies, we can use this concession stand to lure unsuspecting people close to the limo, where they will thusly become food for the zombies. And if we’re transporting regular, not-rotty people, they will need to be fed.

Shaved ice is very nourishing, I hear.

This is only the beginning though, people. We’ve begun a plot to buy up all the zombie-related vehicles in the nation and do a North American food tour.

I now present to you THE PLAN:

Yes, this did have to be a picture

This is a really great plan, right? Totally financially sound? Ok then. Dibs. This plan is Copyright me, 2013. (That’s how copyrights work, right?)

It’s kind of the best thing ever, right? I mean, we’re ahead of the game embracing the career potential of the impending zombie apocalypse, AND we’ve found more than one vehicle for my friend.

The lesson to be learned here is: Teamwork Can Solve All Your Vehicular and Financial Problems****

****And also by the consolidated efforts of me, Max Power^, and K.B. Toys^^, with the willing participation of our car-shopping heroine, 

^Not his real name
^^Also not his real name

P.S.: Hey guys, guys! Canada and Bahrain and Australia and the UK found my blog! Bahrain! And look how much Canada! LOTS of Canada!


Like, A LOT of Canada. Hi Canada!

This is the best day ever.