My Cat Does Not Understand Going to Bed Early

Or: The Story of the Adorable Demon That Lives with Me

This weekend I was very busy and adventurous*, which resulted in a remarkable number of hijinks, but a very minimal amount of sleep.
*preening and flash-dancing because my blog got Freshly Pressed and that makes me so happy it was distracting.

So by the time Sunday night rolled around, it was time to throw on my onsie pajamas and hit the sack. At 8:00 o’clock at night. Because I am practicing for senior citizenship.**
**I just want to be really, really good at it already when the time comes. You know, already have all the early bird specials memorized at restaurants and be outraged by those meddlesome kids who won’t get off my lawn? I like to set attainable life goals.

They are so warm and so comfy and I love them so much.

Yes, I did perform my flash-dances in these pajamas.

My cat did not agree with this life choice.

This is the only stick figure cat I have ever drawn

I do not know how to draw stick figure cats.

So, at bedtime (still 8:00 o’clock), I scooped up my cat and carted her off to bed with me. Normal people allow their cats to explore and figure out sleeping space on their own. My cat prefers to be specially invited and then hand-carried to bed, or she will sulk on the floor all night.

She is like carrying a fuzzy sack of potatoes. I love her so much.

***Yes. This is what I call my cat. This is not her name.

I snuggled into bed with her at my feet, and started to fall into the blissful slumber of someone who has collectively managed to have less than eight hours of sleep in two and a half days.

At 8:15 p.m., my feline companion became concerned about whether or not I was alive. To express her concern and check my vital signs, she licked my ear, and then stuck her face into my face to check if I was breathing.****
****For those who are curious, cat-faces directly impair breathing.

Sleep is for the weak and the dead

I told you I do not know how to draw stick figure cats.

Once satisfied that I was clearly still alive – a fact established my hacking struggles to breathe around her affection – she decided it was time to go exploring. She quietly explored for a time, and then determined that my apartment was in need of redecoration.

Admit it. Your cat redecorates too

Because all things – most especially palettes full of wet paint – look better on the floor. Most especially beige carpet.

She put all her efforts into redecorating until I finally went and reorganized all of the things capable of being knocked over. This left her frustrated; clearly I was not appreciating all of her hard work.

By this time, it was 10:00 o’clock at night. A strange peace fell over the house as she fell into a sulk and vanished from my sleeping space.

And then, at 11:47 p.m., she began to sing the song of her people.

I mean, this isn't even cute anymore

I’m so serious. Drawing stick figure cats is something I hope to never do again. I wonder if there are specific art classes for this.

In the bathtub. For optimal echoing. Of course.

This continued, despite repeated interruptions by me (picking her up and putting her in bed; staying up and petting her; playing with her with the laser pointer; locking the &%^$! bathroom so tub singing was impossible; unlocking the #%$!@ bathroom so she would stop crying about the closed door) until about 2:13 in the morning.

When I woke up for work at 6:15 this morning, she was fast asleep, on the bed at my feet, purring happily.

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP - you can hear it in your head, can't you?

Yes. I still own an alarm clock that beeps at 100,000,000 decibels. It’s the only one I have not broken.

She protested with annoyance when I moved and woke her up.

And that is why I am never going to bed early again.

25 thoughts on “My Cat Does Not Understand Going to Bed Early

  1. A) I love that we are cat ladies together
    B) I just snorted out tea with the reference to the Sad Cat Diary
    C) You have not attended my grammar class for GED students because stick cats come naturally after my class (Yes, I teach using my cats as examples– nouns especially)
    D) At least yours isn’t hacking hair balls on you at 1am like mine for the past 5 days. Must shave cat.

  2. Yes, it is a world plot by cats to make sure we never sleep. One of mine bats at our noses if a cover even gets the closest bit near us. Like, he’s trying to save us from dying, but really it is because he wants to put his fur-butt as close to my face as possible and the cover is in his way. Sickos.

  3. Ahahahahah! I am dyingg!!!! First of all, congratulations on being featured! I am so proud of you, and yet, not surprised at all because I’ve been hooked since the very first moment I came across your blog. Now, I really think that your adorable demon & my princess shark-cross-piranha would be the best of friends. In fact, they would take turns at making sure we were alive! My monster is used to waking up at 6.30am, so when the weekend comes around, she starts making sure that her beloved Olena is okay. Her routine involves walking all over me (I think in the past life she was a cat, so at times she tends to forget that she is a RAPIDLY growing German Shepherd now), than licking my face, and to finish it off on a high note, biting on my nose and pulling my hair. So yah! Welcome to my life! As to redecorating capabilities, she is very good with paper decorations which involve: rolling toilet paer all over the bathroom (probably would be more effective with your cat singing at the same time), creating faux-snow from shredded paper towels and many more to come. So if ever your are looking for a playmate, I’ve got a perfect one for you! xoxoxoxox

  4. Mine does the alarm clock act, but instead of noise, he prefers the ‘sticking claws in face’ method! He’s oddly noisy 99% of the REST of the time though!

  5. Congrats on being Freshly Pressed!! Your blog is amazing, so I’m not surprised 🙂

    Your cat figures are perfect, no need for a class. The batting/kicking one is my fave.

    And the line about singing the song of her people is hysterical. Yes, I have three cats and they sometimes sing the song too. And one of mine likes to wrap herself around my head when I’m sleeping. This allows her to purr in my ear, then groom my hair, then decide I need one of those kitty massages and proceed to claw the heck out of my scalp. But she’s so cute that I have to let her. Now, I can’t fall asleep without that purring in my ear.

    • It’s amazing how our cats have trained us. And you are so sweet – they’re far from perfect! It’s the first time I’ve ever gone through like have a stack of post-its just trying to figure out how to put legs on something. Ridiculous.

      And thank you! I’m so glad you come read 🙂

      • Ha! Every time I attempt to draw an animal attaching the legs always seems to be the hardest part! I think it’s because mine are usually standing the side and there are four legs, and like, how do you draw that??

  6. Welcome to the Freshly Pressed club — its about time you got your very well-deserved hand-delivered gold-plated invitation!

    As for your cat, she is clearly just jealous of your success and wanted to re-estabish her position as queen of the joint. It’s like how Serena Van Der Woodsen always had to sweep in and knock Blair Waldorf back down a few pegs whenever anything good happened to her.

    Does this mean your cat has slept with Chace Crawford? I wouldn’t put it past her.

    • Thanks! This is possibly the coolest club I have ever been fancy-invited-to. My invitation would be framed, but the gold plate is so thick and heavy it keeps falling off the wall. I’ll probably bequeath it in my will so that my family will forever know this great honor that was once bestowed on our good name…

      Also, I’m remarkably impressed by two things: 1) that Gossip Girl reference, and 2) the fact that I totally nailed that as a Gossip Girl reference.

      My cat is pretty devious. But she also hates all other animals…so it’s totally a fifty-fifty shot. 🙂

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