Planet Earth Is Out to Get Us

I should probably not be allowed to have the Internet, y’all. It only leads to trouble. And I probably shouldn’t be allowed to have TV, either.* In fact, for the benefit of everyone, I should probably be denied access to libraries, microscopes, and conversational scientists, too.
*But I am an ADULT with a JOB, therefore I can have both, just like I can eat candy for dinner and no one can stop me. The world is a wonderful place. Except for everything in the rest of this post.

Basically what I’m saying here is: I’m addicted to Discovery Channel specials, Animal Planet, and anything that has ever been written or filmed about enormous and weird animals, insects, arachnids and parasites.

Also everything in the ocean. Everything in the ocean is terrifying and amazing.

I have a weird fascination with all the most horrifying things on the planet. They make me happy. They give me nightmares**. They make me pathologically terrified to go swimming in Florida, or ever visit the Amazon. I am also completely unable to change the channel or close the book or click on a different website once I’ve found one of these Earthbound monsters.
**The nightmares don’t make me happy. But the KNOWING things does. It’s a vicious cycle. If I didn’t know, then how would I avoid being eaten by Greenland sharks during my many frequent beach trips to Greenland?

You have to know thy enemy, people. And that is why I am sharing some of my favorite ways our planet is clearly shaping up to be a horror movie:

Monster earthworms as big as people? Can’t be true. Wait…it’s true? I saw Tremors. Please, please tell me more.

Nope Nope Nope

Kevin Bacon recommends never lying next to giant worms.
(Click for Source.)

(It’s called a “Giant Gippsland Earthworm” and it’s so big you can hear it moving through the ground.)

Jellyfish that are so big they won’t even notice you’re caught in their horrifying jelly tentacles? WHERE CAN I FIND THEM?!

Nope Nope Nope

Swim away! Swim away!
(Click for source.)

(Ok, so they might notice. They’re called Lion’s Mane Jellyfish and you only think they aren’t planning to eat you. Give them time.)

This spider. It exists. Some people keep them as pets and I strongly believe those people should not make more people.


NO NO NO NO NO NO. Someone call John Goodman. I also saw this movie.
(Click for source)

(This is the Goliath Birdeater Tarantula. And now you know.)

Untreated pond or stream water – especially in third world countries – is sometimes full of parasites that eat your brain? This is information that will be relevant to all parts of my life living in a first world country!

Nope Nope Nope

I am never swimming again. Parasites are invisible monsters, y’all.
(Click for source.)

(This is Naegleria fowleri and it loves to live in your brain and eat it all up.)

I know that talking about supersized squid is all the rage, but guys, the Colossal Squid is a real thing. And we all know it’s just lying in wait. Probably to grow bones so it can retain it’s horrifying shape on land while eating us all.


(Click for source.)

(This is actually and scientifically called a “Colossal Squid,” and science says it doesn’t want to eat you, but sometimes science just doesn’t want us to have nervous breakdowns.)

And that’s just the tip of the iceberg of horrifying things that totally live on our planet and make it 1,000,000% more awesome. So check your couch for giant spiders and curl up for some Animal Planet specials, because we all have a lot to learn before the opening credits end on this horror-movie-to-be.

P.S. – I super love nature and I want all these things to live forever, because the world would be super boring without them.