Or: It’s Probably Better if My Pregnant Friends Don’t Read This One.*
*But if you do, just remember – your pregnancy is super special and like no one else’s and I love you and you deserve a thousand baby showers.
Guys. Guys.
**Also, ladies. Ladies. Because generally, you’re all a little more involved in this.
We need to sit down and have a rational discussion here. A rational discussion about office baby showers.
Because this is just a really awkward conference for everyone involved.
Click for source, which I’m sure wasn’t awkward and was amazing and thank you for letting me use your picture.
I think it’s cool when people make babies. Awhile back, we discussed the fact that I clearly love babies because I am a sane***, non-sociopathic human being. And I think we should, in fact, celebrate the fact that women are going to produce entirely new people through the magic of science and reproduction.
***Ish. Sane-ish.
In my head, all new babies are shown off in Lion King fashion.
That’s cool stuff, guys. That’s science.
And, in the right context, I support the baby shower. Because every woman-in-the-process-of-making-more-people needs stuff. Babies require a lot of stuff. Diapers, blankets, cribs, various carrying devices, clothes…A LOT of stuff.****
****I have not made any people, so I base this list entirely on the gigantic registry lists I have hunted through for baby shower presents. I know I’ve left things out.
Since bankrupting new mothers is usually frowned upon, a baby shower is in order. One baby shower. One baby shower that your friends and family come together to throw. This should result in a giant present fort of supplies and adorable things for new parents to use to take care of their future tiny person.
One giant present fort. From one baby shower. From people who love you and do not feel oddly obligated to buy you awkward things when they’ve never even met your family.
But then there is the now-longstanding tradition of the office baby shower. The office baby shower is frequently thrown during the work day – during a lunch break or squashed between meetings when everyone is already frazzled. Sometimes, they are thrown immediately after the work day ends, so you are obligated to stay late or look like a cold, evil baby-hater.
No excuse is acceptable for missing the office baby shower.
(But getting accused of baby hating will apparently make your stick figure body disconnect from your stick figure arms)
Don’t get me wrong. Sometimes, you’re friends with your coworkers. Sometimes you’re even the really good kind of friends that see each other outside of work and actually hang out on weekends. That’s cool. Then you should get an invitation to the real baby shower, which should be an actual event showering love and affection on the expectant mother*****
*****This is my favorite phase. She’s “expecting.” Expecting a baby, but, you know, it really could be anything. “The expectant mother was expecting a human baby, but was really surprised when she had a litter of robots instead.”
In most offices, however, the office baby shower is a strange combination of awkward discussions avoiding the topic of how the baby will actually come out, and people milling around waiting for enough time to elapse that they can politely leave. In case you were wondering, the time you have to stay increases exponentially if there’s cake. Cake means you have to stay longer, otherwise you look like a glutton who uses babies as an excuse to cram sugar in your mouth and run away.
People are frustrated with the last-minute panics of remembering to bring gifts, and the mental debates of how much they were required to spend. In general, even the mother feels awkward.
So can we all just agree to cancel these?
…No? Well then can we all just agree that the cake should never, ever, ever look like this?
This little terror is courtesy of Cake Wrecks. Click for source and hours of entertainment!
Because if not, I’m bringing this cake to your next office baby shower.
Perpetual Plot Hole 
I’m 9 months pregnant and fully on board with this. One shower is enough.
Oh good! I would think they must be EXHAUSTING for pregnant women. I mean, how exciting can the ten thousandth box of diapers be? At some point I’d be like “That’s cool. But I could use a spa gift certificate…”
I totally agree. Even though I always pitch in to buy a gift for a baby, I don’t like attending events for somebody I don’t really communicate with (family or friends is a whole different ball game and is indeed a joyous thing to look forward to). Good remark on ‘expectant’, people in general EXPECT way too much than they deserve. xoxo
Heehee! You always give me a giggle. And knowing I’m not alone in the whole “really? Do I have to buy another gift for another shower? You’ve had THREE!” makes me feel sliiiiiiggghhtttly less like a monster.
❤ you, as always.
We should revolt and go on a ‘knock me up’ spree to get back at those selfish people… well.. when they EVENTUALLY come back from their maternity leave! Which is probably never lol!
But in all seriousness though, I get you. We had 5 girls in my office who got preggers within the past year. I mean, common, all at the same time?! BEWARE WHEN YOU COME TO MONTREAL, THERE IS A PREGNANCY FLEW GOING AROUND! haha!
Jtm (short for ‘je t’aime’ in French, you learnt something new today 😉 ) ❤
OH no! This is undermining my frequent plans to travel to Montreal! (In fairness – totally one of my favorite places. I went to college in New England and spent 90% of my time in Montreal. Uh, I mean, studying. Yeah. That.) I don’t have time to catch pregnancy right now!
No, darling, you didn’t understand me right. Coz I’d love you to come to Montreal, so I could meet you a.k.a. this awesome person who makes me laugh everyday.
However, when you do come, you gotta find that perfect prince charming so that he accompanies you. This way you’ll be killing two birds with a stone, so to speak, if you know what I mean AHAHAHAHAHAHH! ❤
LOL! You crack me up 🙂
It’s a good thing I like pie because I don’t know if I could ever eat cake again after looking at that picture…
I may never be able to hold a baby again either. Just in case I look down and they suddenly end up looking like this horrifying cake.
Also, who wants to eat a cake that looks like a baby? That’s like wanting to eat a baby, and that’s cannibalism, and that is the most horrifying thing ever.
Ick.
I love you. I love you more than life itself…. and I TOTALLLLLLLY needed that post this week!
ALSO: NEVER– http://theremina.tumblr.com/post/60738356670/baby-shower-cake-by-morgan-parfrey
I love you and your face and your brain and all your brilliance and your magical way of turning one car into TWO cars. And also making me laugh all the time and ranting about stuff like this with me.
And OMG WHY WOULD ANYONE EVER MAKE THAT INTO A CAKE?!
People who make baby shower cakes are destroying cake. I hate them.
Can we please cancel wedding showers as well? And engagement parties (where presents are sometimes also given)? The wedding itself serves as the whole look-at-the-bride-and-groom-fest plus gifts. Ugh. 🙂
Oh, I approve this. Especially since weddings seem to have gathered extra helpings of showers these days. By the time I made it to the last wedding I was invited to, I felt like I’d already furnished their kitchen…
Can we all acknowledge that weddings should be about open bars and parties – uh, I mean, the love of the bride and groom? 🙂
Ha–agreed!
Yep. I’ve had to sit through a couple of these. We even played all those baby shower games, like let me guess how big your stomach is using this looooong piece of yarn. The mother to be is usually mortified.
My favorite is anything that has to do with diapers. Because, you know, those games make EVERYONE super happy and never awkward… 😉
I couldn’t agree more. Last week I got out of a baby shower and it was the greatest day ever.
I hope there was a dance of victory to celebrate!
Cake should never ever resemble what you are celebrating because you have to cut into it.. Awkward! — New follower.. Love your sense of humor…and the awesome stick drawings 🙂
thanks. that cake is going to give me nightmares. Though it may hold the power to end all showers – you may be on to something…..just dont make me look at it again.
Isn’t it just absolutely the most horrifying thing on the whole planet?
Can we add gender reveal parties to the list of parties that just shouldn’t happen? I mean, I’ll find out anyway in a few months, so I’d rather not have to sit through whatever ‘creative’ idea the soon-to-be parents found on Pintrest.
Let’s let the kid actually be born before we start piling on the pink or blue, people!
I’d like a surprise gender reveal party where the inside of the cake or the balloons are a gender neutral color, or the little envelope from the doctor says “No, I just refuse to tell you all.”
Because that would be confusing and I love that.
GREAT again! Speaking of baby showers, what has a baby (if that’s what you’re expecting…) to do with a shower? Sorry if I’m being Dutch.
Ha! Thank you – and you’re so right. When I was little I thought it was a gathering where mothers-to-be were ritually cleaned. Which was a creepy thing for a child to think.
LOL
The extra thirty minutes for cake….arrggh. (but true) (although men seem to only have to stay 5 more minutes). And I agree with the comment about wedding showers. I hardly know these people. I don’t know what they want in their house. And I am NOT giving my co-worker sexy underwear.. I don’t want to wonder in a meeting the following year: I wonder if she is wearing those purple crotchless panties?
Yeah. Whoever invented the idea of “lingerie bridal shower” really meant that to be like a “super close best friends only” thing…
I just started at the beginning and read every post… thank you for hours of entertainment 🙂
Love your blog, you’re hilarious!
Thank you SO much! I’m so glad you got a giggle – and I’m floored you read everything. I’m so glad you’ve come by! 🙂
No problem, I now have a new favorite blog 🙂
Well now extra helpings of flattered thank you! 🙂
Dear god that cake is horrifying
I can see a pretty cake under the… uh, frosting fetus, but yeah… frosting… fetus…
Certain alliterations were not meant to be.
You know the world is a terrible, dark place when a cake can be horrifying. Because, well, it’s CAKE. Cake is a magical miracle that proves to us all that the world is a great place.
Unless it looks like this. And also, I will never be able to get “frosting fetus” out of my head. Ew. And also, giggles. Lots of ews and giggles.
I have an admission to make — the first thing I thought when I found out early this month that I was having emergency surgery was not “Holy s*it I’m being hospitalized!” or “What will my life me be like without an organ?” or even “Does this mean I get the good drugs?”, it was “Does this mean I don’t have to go to those two baby showers this weekend? It does! IT DOES! FREE PASS OUT OF BABY SHOWERS!”
1) They better have given you the good drugs
2) I know they SAY they were taking an organ, but really we all know the truth. It was an emergency awesome-reduction, because you’re so awesome it’s hard to look at, and you were required to share with the rest of us.
3) That worked? I may have to start considering surgeries.
(P.S. – I’m super glad things seemed to have worked out with the organ-stealing so far.)
I just did the laughing in a silent office thing again…must stop reading and do some work!
I am the “evil baby hater” in my office…I pretty much get away with writing “happy new baby” on the card and ignoring all pictures and discussions about babies…despite being a girl and contractually obliged to like babies apparently…
thankfully this office shower nonsense has not become prevalent in the uk!
Really?! Man…now I’m considering a cross-ocean move…They are SUCH a big deal here. 🙂
it is worth it…move here, no baby showers at work, in fact I have never been to a baby shower at all…
WHAT?! No fair. I’m moving immediately. Goodbye, America. Hello, Ex-patriotism.
it has got to be worth it…for the savings in gifts alone…
and any use of the phrase “happy new baby” “happy new age” “happy new hip” or indeed “happy new heart valve” just gets written off as eccentricity!
Wow that was strange. I just wrote an really long comment but after I clicked submit my comment didn’t show up.
Grrrr… well I’m not writing all that over again.
Anyway, just wanted to say great blog!