It Really Has Nothing to Do with Sweden, Guys

Or: That One Time I Used the Internet to Actually Look Something Up*

*Did you know that the Internet is a great source of factual information?! It’s TRUE!

In case you somehow missed it, I have a cat.

Which is why everyone should be one

You don’t have to be old to be a cat lady! It’s equal opportunity!

She is an important part of my life. I’ve had her since I was 15. When I was 15**, I was not very good at doing things like “leaving the cat alone” and “not picking her up and snuggling her with every fiber of my being.”
**Also now. Still now. She’s just so cute



Some people have formed opinions regarding the fact that my cat shows me an equal level of obsessive attention.

I call them "Jen" and "Eric"

These are generic friends. I bet you wish you had generic friends to insert into blog posts. (I call them “Jen” and “Eric”)

When I was 15, this resulted in a modest level of curiosity. As an avid fan of The Muppets, I was relatively sure that “Stockholm Syndrome” meant that you had some form of speech impediment that made you talk like the Swedish Chef:

This is not what stockholm syndrome is

Bork bork bork! Hergy Blerghy Bork!
Click for source, because this is not a picture I took.

In fact, Stockholm Syndrome has nothing at all to do with chefs, and very little to do with Sweden. The term dates back to the 1973, when an armed robber strolled into a bank in Norrmalmstorg Square, in Stockholm, Sweden. (Click here to check out one of the many tellings of this story.) He took four hostages and made life wildly unpleasant for the police for several days.

Guns! In doodle land!

This is probably the most dangerous doodle I have ever drawn. Also, I only felt like drawing three hostages, because this is a generic example. 

While this was going on, observers noticed something super weird.

The world would be a really obvious place

If only all kidnappers, hostage takers, and generally terrible people were all this forthcoming.

The hostages were resistant to police, but companionable with their kidnapper. It doesn’t make a whole bunch of sense at first glance.

My gunman is so happy

In fact, it seems downright counter-intuitive

But when you look at things historically, it does seem a little more logical, if completely bleak.

But this one is!

Not all gunmen are so explanatory.

It doesn’t have much place on a humor blog.


Because yelling at someone with a gun is totally safe….if you’re a stick figure that I draw.

It’s a syndrome seen in kidnapped victims, hostages, and victims of abuse.

Sweden seems to be keeping positive, though.

It’s also given Stockholm a bad name, via association. Poor Stockholm.

It always confused me why people would regularly toss around a term that has such deep psychologically damaging implications.

Awww, and I wanted to fly

Anything is possible. Except spontaneous flight.

Especially when there’s obviously a much more rational explanation.

This was another whole post about my cat

She totally is. Especially if food is involved.

Yeah. That must be it.

Also, Here Is Why I Did Not Blog Yesterday:

Yep. Need glasses

Yep. Totally blind.

I had to go to the eye doctor. It was very time consuming***.
***Also, I probably took a nap. Maybe.


As an aside, Stockholm Syndrome is super serious, as is abuse and kidnapping. They don’t just happen to girls and women, either. If you happen to know someone who is, or might be, suffering from abuse, kidnapping, or other terrible things, here are some great resources to help:

And let’s all try to treat each other like human beings, ok?

Cat Lady 101: A Guide to Your Cat’s Expressions

So you’ve decided you’re going to be a cat lady.

Oh good. You ordered through Amazon Prime.

Oh good. You ordered through Amazon Prime.

You’re ready to sacrifice a dating life, a future family, a social life, and clothing free of cat fur in order to really commit to your new lifestyle. Now you just need to know a few more things about cats. For one thing, you need to be able to interpret their facial expressions. To support the growth of this up-and-coming lifestyle, I’ve created this handy guide to help you out.

"Photograph me, human, for I look regal here on top of your clean laundry,"

“Photograph me, human, for I look regal here on top of your clean laundry,”

The role of the cat-with-many-faces will be played by my cat, Newt. She is named after a movie character, not another animal. She totally volunteered for this, I swear. And by “volunteered”, I mean “has Stockholm Syndrome and humors me.”

1. “I Hear Treats”


“I am applying my cuteness liberally, in an effort to obtain bonus food.”

This expression is an essential one for every Cat Lady to know and truly understand. The perked ears, the attentive eyes, the nearness to your face…This cat hears treats. She doesn’t yet SEE the treats, and therefore is not displaying fully comprehensive interest – that would make her desires too obvious. When you see this face, you must know that your cat expects you to bring treats TO her.

2. “I Do Not Want Any Treats”

Also Meow

“My clear disinterest will force you to bring the treat closer to my face, silly human.”

This face is also known as “The Treats Are Too Far Away.” See the slightly lowered chin? The face turned both closer to you, and farther away from the possible treats? Your cat knows you caught her in an expression desiring treats, but she feels that too much enthusiasm will encourage you to make her do cute tricks to obtain the aforementioned treats.

3. “You Are Not Paying Attention to Me”

Also Also Meow

“Oh, is this your expensive new laptop? I’m going to chew the top and then sleep on it.”

Your cat pretends she does not like attention. This is not true. She does not like your attentions when you choose to give them to her. She does not appreciate it when anything else, such as your laptop, book, homework, work, or a medical emergency distracts you from longing to pay attention to her. This face first appears as she investigates the thing, item, or vicious wound that has distracted you from her. It reaches completion and fades into other expressions once she has bitten, destroyed, or laid across the object of your interest.

4. “You Are Paying Too Much Attention to Me”

Also Also Also Meow.

“Get. Away. From. Me.”

This expression naturally appears any time you have gotten too close to your cat, or have begun to dance attention on her. As she has not selected that this is the time or place for you to attend to her every wish, keep her warm, or entertain her, she will show her displeasure with this face. It is important to acknowledge this face, and not take lots of pictures of it for your own amusement,

5. “I’ve Done Something Terrible But Now You Can’t Be Mad Because I’m Cute”

Also Also Also Also Meow.

“I ate the laces out of all your shoes while you were sleeping.”

This is an important feline expression to know. She has surprised you with unprecedented cuteness. You are charmed, and are fighting the impulse to snuggle her. She did this on purpose, y’all. Somewhere in your home is a horrifying surprise. It could be the secret stash of bug corpses she has hidden. It could be the entire box of Kleenex she ate. It could be barf. But I promise you…It’s there.

Cat Lady 101 Course Complete. Great Job!

All the Meows.

“Hey, what’s that thing? What are you doing? Is it food?”

I hope this guide was helpful. You’re on your way to Cat Lady-Hood. Next you need to start taking a lot of pictures of your cat doing nothing interesting, and force strangers and friends alike to look at them.