Today’s Post Is a Terrible Idea Caused by the Internet

How to Successfully Internet Stalk* Someone Who Makes Chocolate.

I’m not saying I did this personally. I’m also not NOT saying I did this personally. I’m just here to provide helpful instructions, y’all.

Step 1: Google store where the Chocolate is Made.

Step 2: Find the Facebook page of the Store Where the Chocolate Is Made.

Step 3: Realize the stupid store has a separate Facebook page from the People Who Make the Chocolate

Step 4: Find the Facebook page of the Chocolate-Making People

Step 5: Hunt through the photos to find his name

Step 6: Facebook search for the name you deviously and craftily discovered.

Step 7: Be endlessly confused by his profile picture, and be crushed by the factual discovery that obviously you are only attracted to weirdos.

Step 8: Ignore all of that, because mother%$#@!, he makes CHOCOLATE

Step 9: Google therapists, because you’ve obviously gone off the deep end.

Step 10: Buy a candy bar.

Nom Nom Nom

Any one of these will do. Seriously. Chocolate is everywhere. GET OFF THE INTERNET!
(Image via the glorious Cup of Joe

Step 11: Tell the Internet about that time you used the Internet for evil. Because you are quietly horrified at all the things the Internet can do.

*Don’t do this. For one thing, it’s totally bananas. For another thing, it’s creepy.**

This is why I don't date

Creepy like this guy. As a side note, this may be a surprisingly similar picture to the Chocolate-Maker’s Facebook picture.

**Seriously? No. Stop Googling people who make chocolate. This is a bad plan. I was having a weak*** moment.

***Hungry. A hungry moment. 

Why Standard Time Is Better than Chocolate

Fall and winter are my favorite seasons of the year, and it’s not just because they’re full of sweaters and scarves and leaves that look like fireworks and blankets of snow. They’re full of standard time.

I know there are people in the world who celebrate saving daylight, when we roll the clocks back and an entire hour of my time vanishes into an endlessly sunny abyss of long days. Hurray for those people who can continue to wake up on time and make it to work with chipper smiles. They talk endlessly about how glorious it is that the sun stays up until 9 at night, and they’re probably fueled by rainbows and the sweet essence of puppy kisses.

I am NOT one of those people.

Standard time is the greatest thing ever. Most of the world agrees. Some states even agree that it’s just downright silly to steal an hour…so they don’t do it. (I’m looking at you here, Arizona. You go, state.) It’s pretty much the best thing ever. It magically transforms me into a happy morning person, who exercises before work and goes to bed on time at night.

Dare I say it? Yes. I do. Standard time is better than chocolate.

And even Lenny the Tiny Adorable Alien loves chocolate covered espresso beans.

And even Lenny the Tiny Adorable Alien loves chocolate covered espresso beans.

Standard Time vs. Chocolate: The Pros List

Standard Time Chocolate
– Brings me joy – Brings me joy
– Helps me go to sleep on time – Helps me survive meetings
– Lets me wake up on time – Can be melted into a glorious beverage
– Makes me a morning person (MAGIC) – Brownies.
– Helps me spend less money by going to
bed on time instead of going out to play
all night
– Totally functional love replacement.
– Signals bears to start hibernating, thus reducing bear attacks – Cookies
– Loving Standard Time is a fun way to antagonize people who hate it – Infinitely seasonally appropriate
– Supports the success of ninja attacks  
– Thanksgiving  
– Christmas  
– New Year’s (Eve and Day)  
– Valentine’s Day  
– ‘Tis the season for soup
And soup is a good season.

And soup is a good season.

Standard Time vs. Chocolate: The Cons List

Standard Time Chocolate
– Empowers vampires – Causes morbid obesity
– People powered by puppy kisses are moody – Promotes a false sense of love
– Supports the success of ninja attacks – Sneaks into all the holidays
– Helps you go to bed on time – Melts into your pockets/purse/car
– Cheap chocolate tastes like wax and desperation
– Is gross when combined with gummy things

As you can see, in a head-to-head battle, Standard Time is the clear winner over one of the most ideal foods on the planet, a food that makes even delicious desserts taste better (except gummy bears). So really, I don’t see how people can be so grumpy about it. Standard time owns almost all the best holidays, and means that girls look more girlfriendy.

So throw on a cross, hang up some garlic, and spray some ninja repellent. Hug a puppy and watch a double rainbow to get your sunshine fix. It’s Standard Time season and I, for one, couldn’t be happier about it.