Or: The Story of How an Otherwise Competent Human Can Convince an Entire Department She’s Barely Smart Enough to Not Eat Paste

Generally, I’m identifiable as a fairly intelligent human being.* I manage to dress myself in the morning, pay my bills, and effectively accomplish things related to my multi-faceted, demanding job. I can hold real conversations with people about science things, and space, and marketing, and even some other stuff.
*Hey, hey, hey. I said generally, guys. Not always. Sometimes I am also identified as an overgrown child, and other times “that girl who dresses up like a dinosaur any time it might be remotely socially acceptable.”

Despite all that, you probably couldn’t convince the IT department at the Company that I’m smarter than a second grader.

I’ve mentioned before that the Company is growing**, which makes it exciting to be an employee. All sorts of things happen at growing companies. One of the things that happened this week was my department was moved into a different office space. We packed our things up in boxes and hauled our workspace items from one location into the other, like capable adults.***
**Hurray!
***Capable adults with desk toys, in my case.

All of my things did not fit in one box. I am lying to you with this picture.

Desk-space reassembly seemed pretty straightforward. Phones were rebuilt. Monitors were set up. Docking stations were re-hooked-up to all the things on the desk. Files were re-filed.

It’s like a grown up puzzle!

Then, once everything was nicely laid out and assembled, I shoved all the cords off the back of my desk and went about powering everything up and plugging things into the giant power strip the Company gave me.

I had to make the plug in noises myself

Everything whirred to life and booted up. I was clearly a master of computer-and-desk reassembly.

…I sense a disturbance in the Force…

Except I had no Internet.**** And my phone had lit up at first, but by the time I sat at my desk, the lights were out and my dial tone was gone. Clearly it had kicked the bucket.
****No Internet access, if you’re feeling grammatically picky. However, I view “Internet” as a thing, like a pulse. You have it, or you don’t, and if you don’t have it, you’re probably dead.*****
*****I am not going to survive the zombie apocalypse.

So I had to go talk to IT.

Yes. I do reference Oliver Twist when I ask people for things. It makes everything more literary.

IT came to help me.****** An investigation took place.
******Their mistake.

This is why I should not be allowed to work in real companies with other employees.

IT found the problem. The problem was, my phone was not plugged in.******* My phone controls my access to the Internet. The solution was simple: Plug in phone, get both Internet and a working phone. Because, as it happens, power is needed for electronics to work.
*******The bit that plugs in to the back of the phone fell out. Which I did not check. Thanks for conspiring against me, phone.

My IT helper was very good about delivering this news with a sincerely helpful face.

I was legitimately speechless, mostly because I am normally competent and capable of fixing basic problems like this. I held the cord and stared at it with an expression of betrayal.

TRAITOR PLUG.

And then my IT helper giggled. He tried to hide it – he really did – but it was a giggle that turned into a snort that turned into a cough.

I’m entirely sure this story has now been shared with the entirety of the IT Department. I know this because all of the IT people have come by and offered me help. With advice on how to work pens. And how to use a mouse.

But it’s cool. I still got Internet.

And that’s the very best prize.