Public Service Announcement #33: Do Not Ignore Headphones in the Workplace

Or: Cubicles are Wildly Undervalued and I Am Jealous of Everyone Who Has One

I work in an office that has run out of space. The Company is growing, which is fantabulous*, but it also means that cubicles have become a high-value commodity and offices are non-existent. Because of this, Marketing has migrated into a “collaborative workspace.”
*Totally a word. And The Company pays me for wordsmithing, so it’s pretty silly that you’d question me about words.

What this means is, we are no longer entitled to the luxury of walls. My office space looks like this:

Do not question my professional pigtails

Note that those are not cube-boxes. Those are deskspace mini-cubes. The few “walls” don’t even come out past the desk chairs.
But we do have desk chairs. So basically, we’re pretty spoiled.

This has led me to become a believer in giant headphones. I support them for a variety of reasons:

  1. They make it legitimately impossible for me to hear my coworkers when I’m working.
  2. They clearly signify to my coworkers that I cannot hear them.
  3. They have a microphone on them, so I can use them in place of my telephone headset for conference calls.
  4. See reason 2. This is important enough to repeat.
It's very productive

These headphones are clearly not small.
Also, this is my zen and productive work pose.

However, no matter how giant my headphones are, I have found that my coworkers still firmly believe that I am listening to all the conversation going on around me. Now, it’s true – the conversation is much more interesting than work. But as someone who is held responsible for creative** writing, as well as practical business*** writing on a regular basis, I need a bubble of clear headspace to accomplish my mission.
***Also manipulative


This is an accurate representation of this situation happening.

When I become aware of people looking at me expectantly, I’m forced to do the polite thing and pull my headphones off to find out what was said. I mean, maybe my valuable advice**** is needed. Or maybe a new assignment has come down the pipeline. Maybe, as productive and essential marketers, everyone decided to get started on a new campaign idea.
****Valuable advice available here, here and here.

Every. Single. Time.



This is never the case. And so I return to the delightful land of my cone of silence*****.
*****Or music. Cone of music. Same thing. 

Whereupon the cycle promptly starts again.


So value your cube space, my friends. Value it…and send me some walls.

Lots of Things Make Me Happy about Blogging

But nothing makes me quite as happy as all the ridiculous things that WordPress tells me about my blog.

My favorite search terms people have used to find my blog:

Or lose. I can't be sure

Sorry guys, but clearly I win the Internet.
I am 100% sure my blog is NOT what they were looking for.

  • what happened to regretsy
    Now you know. You’re welcome.
  • themes for 14 graduates
    I…don’t think I have ever truly addressed this concern.
  • things to make out of pop cans
    Oh oh oh! I can help with this! Pinterest is here for you!
  • eat concern
    I can play this game too. “Sleep anger.” “Drink apathy.”
  • safe hobbies
    This is not the right blog for you. I am sorry Google betrayed you.
  • a meeting should never be longer than
    Ok. This one I totally covered.
  • how to kill spider eggs on christmas tree
    If I knew that, my parents would still be getting live Christmas trees. Sorry to clearly lie to you, Internet.
  • gattafish username online dating sites
    Hey! Someone found me trying to stalk their date! Way to use the Internet!
  • badly written letterto santa
    Yep. Got this covered in every way.
  • dating in your 20s
    It’s awful, right?
  • girl gushers
    NOPE. This is clearly not the blog you were looking for.
  • sweet on zoosk
    Am not. You take that back.
  • white blonde hair
    Finally. My alabaster hair is good for something.
  • dmv social experiment
    Ok, to be fair, I Googled this too after I saw this. Because I want to know if it’s all just an experiment, too.
  • spider eggs on a christmas tree
    I have cornered this topic on the Internet! WOO!

Countries I have collected:



Man I love Canada so much.

THE UK! (Guys. GUYS! It could be THE QUEEN.)

Seriously Seriously

Seriously. I may not have mentioned how much I love Canada.



Awww. Why no love Canada?


Mostly my blog does not make it past Canada

Oh hi Canada!



It’s so big I almost forget how much I miss Canada.

BAHRAIN (totally a real place!)

<3 Canada

Knowing that Canada had already shown me love, I was free to Google where, exactly, Bahrain is. It’s in this circle. Somewhere.

FINLAND (Also a real place, for those of you who studied geography in the US!)

Yay Canada!

Guys! Finland and Canada TOGETHER! ❤


Oh, this old blog? I just threw this on. Had it in my closet for years

Oh. Hey Canada. I didn’t even know you’d be here.

Oh, right, and the place where I live:

Seriously. This entertains me

And Canada! ❤

U.S.A.! U.S.A.! 

So these are the reasons* that I love my blog. Don’t you feel like you just got backstage passes or something? You are welcome.

(Thank you guys for reading my blog. It blows my mind that anyone would bother to check it out, especially people in other countries, and people who don’t know me**. Most of all, I do want to thank the people who know me and read this, because, well, you already have me inflicted on you.)
**Aren’t literally bombarded with my pleas to read this.

Planet Earth Is Out to Get Us

I should probably not be allowed to have the Internet, y’all. It only leads to trouble. And I probably shouldn’t be allowed to have TV, either.* In fact, for the benefit of everyone, I should probably be denied access to libraries, microscopes, and conversational scientists, too.
*But I am an ADULT with a JOB, therefore I can have both, just like I can eat candy for dinner and no one can stop me. The world is a wonderful place. Except for everything in the rest of this post.

Basically what I’m saying here is: I’m addicted to Discovery Channel specials, Animal Planet, and anything that has ever been written or filmed about enormous and weird animals, insects, arachnids and parasites.

Also everything in the ocean. Everything in the ocean is terrifying and amazing.

I have a weird fascination with all the most horrifying things on the planet. They make me happy. They give me nightmares**. They make me pathologically terrified to go swimming in Florida, or ever visit the Amazon. I am also completely unable to change the channel or close the book or click on a different website once I’ve found one of these Earthbound monsters.
**The nightmares don’t make me happy. But the KNOWING things does. It’s a vicious cycle. If I didn’t know, then how would I avoid being eaten by Greenland sharks during my many frequent beach trips to Greenland?

You have to know thy enemy, people. And that is why I am sharing some of my favorite ways our planet is clearly shaping up to be a horror movie:

Monster earthworms as big as people? Can’t be true. Wait…it’s true? I saw Tremors. Please, please tell me more.

Nope Nope Nope

Kevin Bacon recommends never lying next to giant worms.
(Click for Source.)

(It’s called a “Giant Gippsland Earthworm” and it’s so big you can hear it moving through the ground.)

Jellyfish that are so big they won’t even notice you’re caught in their horrifying jelly tentacles? WHERE CAN I FIND THEM?!

Nope Nope Nope

Swim away! Swim away!
(Click for source.)

(Ok, so they might notice. They’re called Lion’s Mane Jellyfish and you only think they aren’t planning to eat you. Give them time.)

This spider. It exists. Some people keep them as pets and I strongly believe those people should not make more people.


NO NO NO NO NO NO. Someone call John Goodman. I also saw this movie.
(Click for source)

(This is the Goliath Birdeater Tarantula. And now you know.)

Untreated pond or stream water – especially in third world countries – is sometimes full of parasites that eat your brain? This is information that will be relevant to all parts of my life living in a first world country!

Nope Nope Nope

I am never swimming again. Parasites are invisible monsters, y’all.
(Click for source.)

(This is Naegleria fowleri and it loves to live in your brain and eat it all up.)

I know that talking about supersized squid is all the rage, but guys, the Colossal Squid is a real thing. And we all know it’s just lying in wait. Probably to grow bones so it can retain it’s horrifying shape on land while eating us all.


(Click for source.)

(This is actually and scientifically called a “Colossal Squid,” and science says it doesn’t want to eat you, but sometimes science just doesn’t want us to have nervous breakdowns.)

And that’s just the tip of the iceberg of horrifying things that totally live on our planet and make it 1,000,000% more awesome. So check your couch for giant spiders and curl up for some Animal Planet specials, because we all have a lot to learn before the opening credits end on this horror-movie-to-be.

P.S. – I super love nature and I want all these things to live forever, because the world would be super boring without them.

“You Will Never Find a More Wretched Hive of Scum and Villainy.”

Or: The Time I Went to See Extreme Midget Wrestling

There are a lot of things I have never done. So far, I’ve never sky dived. I’ve never bungee jumped. I’ve never walked the Amazon River or been swimming with sharks. I’ve never gone disco dancing.

Basically what I’m saying is: At this point in my life, my list of regretfully missed experiences may be longer than my list of unforgettably cool adventures.*

*OK, maybe not walking the Amazon River. I’ve watched the Discovery Channel. That’s how you get parasites.

So when “Extreme Midget Wrestling” was suggested, I was, of course, completely game.

Don't do it.

Because there’s a federation. And that means this is both a respectable and organized sport, guys.
Go ahead. Click for source.

And so my equally enthusiastic friend and I braved a dark and stormy night to patronize the high-quality world of the Extreme Midget Wrestling Federation.**
**Eat cheeseburgers, drink adult beverages, and – in our minds – cheer for creatively named wrestlers like in the days of Macho Man Randy Savage and Jake the Snake.***
***I maybe watched a lot of WWF wrestling with my brother when we were growing up. Maybe. But probably not – I mean, I can’t imagine my parents allowing such violence in the house.****
****Hi Mom and Dad!

These chants should be verbatim

This is how my idealistic mind pictured an evening of midget wrestling.

We did not expect this to be a very well attended event. We trusted the people of the South to have much more distinguished tastes in Friday night activities. We were certain that they would be more interested in unscripted sports played by very large men than a potentially marginalizing spectacle sport in a tiny music venue.

Boy howdy, we were so wrong.

And we waited in it!

This was the line! And it was raining!
This did not discourage us in the slightest.

Apparently, guys, Extreme Midget Wrestling is a very, very serious annual gathering in the Queen City. The women behind us in line not only watched for tickets, but they bought theirs the first day they were available. My friend and I had not yet bought tickets. And apparently we were the only ones to be so casual about this whole event.

But we were cool with that. Because the line was an educational experience. A horrifying educational experience.


There were many complaints about Steve’s mysterious absence. Eventually Steve became my favorite person in line.

But inside was more astonishing.

Things I learned on this night:

  • Midget wrestling is super disorganized.
  • People who regularly go see midget wrestling do not like midgets, and tend to be very tall.
  • People who regularly go see midget wrestling also do not like:
    • People of other ethnic backgrounds
    • Women
    • Homosexuals
    • Once again, midgets
    • People who do not like their local sports team
    • Liberals, Democrats, or the president

There was a half time show. Apparently at a midget wrestling show, the best way to celebrate half time is to volunteer women from the audience to dance for the midgets. While the audience judges their moves. And enthusiasm. And basically everything about them.

I'm serious. I may never recover

You are welcome.

Did I mention there were children at this show? Young children? Because that happened. So, to spare you from bringing your own young children to this…highly educational life event, I have decided to provide you with the below picture, that sums up the most appropriate moments of the entire night.

From above. From floor height, the view is VERY DIFFERENT

Just in case you feel my interpretations are not accurate, this is what Extreme Midget Wrestling looks like.

A free for all spectacle brawl. With a ladder. The ladder was my favorite wrestler because the ladder did not motorboat any of the ladies in the crowd.*****
*****This happened. Not the ladder motorboating someone, I mean. The wrestlers. More than once. I know this because I was standing next to a lady this happened to. Don’t worry though, guys. She was totally cool with it.

So now I know a whole lot more about the nationwide sport of midget wrestling, as well as about the people who attend this sensational event.

And I also know that next time, I’m going swimming with sharks.

What, this doesn't look fun to you?

What, this doesn’t look fun to you?
Click for source.

Further Confessions of an Otherwise (sort of) Dedicated Blogger

I’m very sorry, y’all. It happened again.

Ow ow ow ow ow

They let you have them at BRUNCH, you guys.

So, in the tradition of “days I forgot to write a post and am very, very sorry* about it,” today I bring you entertaining pictures of kittens:
*Ish. Sorry-ish.


Click for source. It’s pretty entertaining, too.

Face it. Enthusiastically stretching kitten has mildly improved your morning.

Om nom nom nom

“Man guys. I am just DELICIOUS.”
^This is the real reason your cat won’t stop grooming.
Click for source, of course.

,..and all the cool things I’ve found on the Internet while I should have been writing blog posts:

Good news, guys. We can totally deliver things to space now! Because capitalism!
And yes, I would call this a “space-shul delivery.”**
**Go ahead. Sound it out. I’m proud of myself for that one. I have low expectations for myself on Mondays, clearly.

Confused babies are funny.
And apparently all fathers are just a little malicious inside. But only in a funny way. Probably.

Angry Grizzly Bears are really, really terrifying.
But also it kind of looks like they’re hugging things out when they’re really fighting. So there’s that.

This is the scariest episode of The Muppets ever.
But it’s cool. Because Shel Silverstein.

Regular programming with resume tomorrow. Happy Monday, y’all.