“You Will Never Find a More Wretched Hive of Scum and Villainy.”

Or: The Time I Went to See Extreme Midget Wrestling

There are a lot of things I have never done. So far, I’ve never sky dived. I’ve never bungee jumped. I’ve never walked the Amazon River or been swimming with sharks. I’ve never gone disco dancing.

Basically what I’m saying is: At this point in my life, my list of regretfully missed experiences may be longer than my list of unforgettably cool adventures.*

*OK, maybe not walking the Amazon River. I’ve watched the Discovery Channel. That’s how you get parasites.

So when “Extreme Midget Wrestling” was suggested, I was, of course, completely game.

Don't do it.

Because there’s a federation. And that means this is both a respectable and organized sport, guys.
Go ahead. Click for source.

And so my equally enthusiastic friend and I braved a dark and stormy night to patronize the high-quality world of the Extreme Midget Wrestling Federation.**
**Eat cheeseburgers, drink adult beverages, and – in our minds – cheer for creatively named wrestlers like in the days of Macho Man Randy Savage and Jake the Snake.***
***I maybe watched a lot of WWF wrestling with my brother when we were growing up. Maybe. But probably not – I mean, I can’t imagine my parents allowing such violence in the house.****
****Hi Mom and Dad!

These chants should be verbatim

This is how my idealistic mind pictured an evening of midget wrestling.

We did not expect this to be a very well attended event. We trusted the people of the South to have much more distinguished tastes in Friday night activities. We were certain that they would be more interested in unscripted sports played by very large men than a potentially marginalizing spectacle sport in a tiny music venue.

Boy howdy, we were so wrong.

And we waited in it!

This was the line! And it was raining!
This did not discourage us in the slightest.

Apparently, guys, Extreme Midget Wrestling is a very, very serious annual gathering in the Queen City. The women behind us in line not only watched for tickets, but they bought theirs the first day they were available. My friend and I had not yet bought tickets. And apparently we were the only ones to be so casual about this whole event.

But we were cool with that. Because the line was an educational experience. A horrifying educational experience.

LEAVE YOUR CHILDREN OUT OF THIS.

There were many complaints about Steve’s mysterious absence. Eventually Steve became my favorite person in line.

But inside was more astonishing.

Things I learned on this night:

  • Midget wrestling is super disorganized.
  • People who regularly go see midget wrestling do not like midgets, and tend to be very tall.
  • People who regularly go see midget wrestling also do not like:
    • People of other ethnic backgrounds
    • Women
    • Homosexuals
    • Once again, midgets
    • People who do not like their local sports team
    • Liberals, Democrats, or the president

There was a half time show. Apparently at a midget wrestling show, the best way to celebrate half time is to volunteer women from the audience to dance for the midgets. While the audience judges their moves. And enthusiasm. And basically everything about them.

I'm serious. I may never recover

You are welcome.

Did I mention there were children at this show? Young children? Because that happened. So, to spare you from bringing your own young children to this…highly educational life event, I have decided to provide you with the below picture, that sums up the most appropriate moments of the entire night.

From above. From floor height, the view is VERY DIFFERENT

Just in case you feel my interpretations are not accurate, this is what Extreme Midget Wrestling looks like.

A free for all spectacle brawl. With a ladder. The ladder was my favorite wrestler because the ladder did not motorboat any of the ladies in the crowd.*****
*****This happened. Not the ladder motorboating someone, I mean. The wrestlers. More than once. I know this because I was standing next to a lady this happened to. Don’t worry though, guys. She was totally cool with it.

So now I know a whole lot more about the nationwide sport of midget wrestling, as well as about the people who attend this sensational event.

And I also know that next time, I’m going swimming with sharks.

What, this doesn't look fun to you?

What, this doesn’t look fun to you?
Click for source.

7 thoughts on ““You Will Never Find a More Wretched Hive of Scum and Villainy.”

  1. This is HYSTERICAL! I can help you with swimming with sharks. it’s easier than you think! Get a puppy 10-12 weeks of age, put him a bath tub with some water, join in, put your finger close to his mouth & enjoy all the chewing. I’m telling ya, I’m sure the experience will be VERY close!!!! 😀

    xoxo
    Olena

    • Best advice EVER! A small, fluffy shark.

      When my cat was a kitten, she was super needy and used to forget that the tub was full of water when I took a bath. She’d jump in and turn into a tiny, clawy, toothy blender. It was probably more like swimming with a buzz saw than a shark, so puppies must be a good alternative 🙂

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