Life Lesson: Trying to be Normal Makes Me Weirder

Life Lesson 7,247:

Listening to Talk Radio while you’re in the shower does not convince anyone that you are a normal adult.

Most people probably don’t believe me, but I’ve spent a really absurd amount of my life thinking up ways to be a more “normal” adult.*

*Because that is definitely a sign of normalcy. As is, of course, this.

When I was a small child, I read very large books, convinced that adults would take me more seriously and I would be viewed as the most normal, well-adjusted child.

Seriously - Thanks!

Look. In my defense, I was like, 6 when I developed this theory. Also, my parents had me convinced it was cool to be smart. _Thanks_, parents.

This tactic did not work. As it turns out, reading very large, literary books when you are very small makes you a total weirdo. Both adults and other children will perceive you this way. Probably because you smell like a library and can define “supercilious.”

As an adult, I turned to Talk Radio (specifically NPR) to help me be perceived as both intelligent and normal. What could be better than having someone tell me all about current events and wars and new music and pop culture? I determined that listening to it in the shower every morning was even more brilliant, because by the time my work day started, I was completely** informed about the happenings of the world.

**20 minutes worth of informed.

It has taken be about 6 years of adulthood*** for me to realize this tactic also does not work. Instead of being viewed as charming, informed, and normal, people view me as knowing an abnormal amount about things like horrifying wars and interviews with obscure geniuses from foreign lands.

***Adulthood, of course, not starting until the point after college graduation where your liver has healed FROM college.

In other words, NPR is totally awesome, but it makes you weirder than you were before.

Also, they have Sandwich Mondays.

It's kind of amazing I'm not fired

As a reward for learning a life lesson, here is a Post-It Note Confession that I randomly left, unsigned, on a coworker’s desk. Because I’m _normal_.

Everyone in My Office Is on a Diet

Alternative Title: Why I Went Home and Made Junk Food Last Night

Seriously. They’re counting calories; I’m experimenting with hot sugar in my kitchen. It’s like some kind of instinctive response to the people around me obsessing about numbers on the scale.*

In response to this in-office diet craze, where everyone is eating scads of steamed broccoli and cringing while staring at the break room candy with longing, I went home last night and made marshmallows.

Peanut butter “swirled” marshmallows.

With chocolate on them.

This is not what my marshmallows look like.

This is what chocolate covered, peanut butter filled marshmallows look like…if you know what you’re doing and use a recipe.
*Courtesy of Fancy Toast. Click to discover delicious.

Admittedly, I did it with the same level of artistry as the entire Nailed It! section of Pinterest.

But anyway, they’re totally delicious.

So here’s how you make marshmallows if you’re also watching TV and eating all the ingredients at the same time.

1: Evaluate possible recipes.

2: Disregard all recipes and decide to wing it, based on what you remember about the recipe you used last time.

3: Assemble ingredients you think you’ll need. Replace the raw honey you used last time with Karo syrup and sugar in whatever amount you feel like. Because, you know, we’re not going for natural or healthy here.

Valentine's Day Toaster Not Included

Everything you need to make marshmallow blobs.

4: Dump gelatin into your mixer with some cold water. Stare at it for awhile, while making a “gross” face. Poke it once or twice to make sure it’s not alive.

Probably The Blob's Offspring

When you poke it, it sort of gooshes AND wobbles.

5: Since the gelatin didn’t attack you or eat your poking finger (which is super definitely extra washed and hygienic), ignore it and dump the sugar, karo syrup and water into your pre-prepared pot on the stove. Turn on the heat and stick your preposterously sized candy thermometer in the mix.

This picture is why there is a glob of sugar cemented on my phone

This pot is actually too big for this task, but turns out sugar, corn syrup and water don;t boil up the same way honey does. Science!

6: When the candy thermometer says the boiling substance will melt all your skin off, but won’t form a hard ball in water, pull it off the heat. Then, pour it down the side of your mixer into the gelatin, with the mixer going on low or medium. Or, if you have my ancient mixer, make sure it’s going on any speed it’s willing to work on.

Actually, I didn't eat the syrup. I couldn't get it off the bowl.

Point of fact: It is only AFTER you eat cemented sugar that you will remember you have a dentist appointment in the morning.

7: Fetch peanut butter. Then, fetch more peanut butter because you ate the spoonfuls you set aside for marshmallow making.

A peanut allergy would literally kill me

It’s peanut butter!

8: When marshmallow fluff is successfully whipped into coolness, mix a third of it with peanut butter.

This is how you get Diabeetus

Be sure to eat any fluff that happens to stick to the mixer attachment.

9: Spread the marshmallow fluff in your pre-prepared pan, and attempt to swirl the way-too-cooled-for-this peanut butter fluff in too. Smack the whole thing a few times with your spatula, then decide you don’t care if it’s ugly, because you’re going to make them beautiful by dipping them in chocolate.

...I am totally keeping my day job

Total artistry, I know. I could probably give up my day job and rely solely on my marshmallow making. _Definitely_ Also, be sure that all pictures of marshmallow blobs are blurry.

10: Eat disgusting lime jello while you wait for marshmallows to set.

There is not always room for jello

This ALSO gooshes and wobbles.

11. Get tired of waiting, and chop up marshmallows after 2 hours instead of the needed 3-4.

This is why we can't have nice things.

Alternatively, you could probably just eat the whole blob.

12. Attempt to make chocolate for dipping using only the ingredients you find in your closet and your microwave. Burn two batches of chocolate and hit your head on the microwave door. Melt a third batch, and dump chocolate haphazardly over the marshmallows because now you just want to go to bed.

Still totally. Freakin'. Delicious.

This is why I will not be giving up my day job for confectionery artistry.

Know what? They taste totally amazing though.

Anyway, other people’s diets are bad for my health, so if you could all just start loving yourselves, I’d appreciate it.

*This is totally ridiculous to me.We all want to be thinner, prettier, fitter, but how is subjecting each other to weekly weigh-ins in the workplace, while demanding total secrecy about that number on the scale, improving anyone’s health?

If a woman somehow looked like supermodel, but happened to weigh 300 pounds, I’d just be impressed by her ability to store mass. I mean, she’d be a science magician. But for the most part…we see each other every day. You can look at someone and have a rough understanding of their body weight.**

**Unless you’re me, and you ignore math and science completely and just make things up.

The Confection Is an Untruth

Today’s Most Favorite Thing:

Lie Lie Lie

Oh what a delicious-looking…hey, wait!


The Above Cake Is, In Fact, a Lie.

It is also possibly the greatest cake dish of all time. And this, everyone, is why you should go to flea markets, garage sales, antique sales, and sneak into your neighbor’s houses*. People in the long-past (i.e., your grandmother’s day) preemptively knew everything that would be cool today, and they made it already.

*Don’t do this. It’s illegal. And even if you get away with it, it could potentially scar you for life.

Confessions of an Otherwise (sort of) Dedicated Blogger

I’m very sorry, y’all.

My couch is more comfortable than my keyboard

I know. You’re all very sad about this. I feel just _awful_.*

*Actually what I feel is very, very well rested.

So, instead of a normal blog post, today I bring you my favorite thing I’ve said all week, in eCard form, and all the cool things I’ve found on the Internet while I should have been writing blog posts.

This week in conversation:

What? Do you not know people who have vampire catastrophes?

I really talk like this, y’all. It’s pretty awful to know me.

Meanwhile, on the Internet:

You have more body parts than you thought you did.  Seriously, doctors? Where have you been? 

My friend Andy skipped a blogging day and I am telling everyone I know about it. Way to go, Andy.

The entire Internet is obsessed with Siracha Candy Canes.

Do not buy these for me.

Science hates teddy bears and they proved it with a cloaking device.

Speaking of toys, here are some really, really disturbing ones. Honestly? Who lets these people around other people? Some people should not be allowed to invent things.

We forgive science for hating teddy bears, because they also agree I’m right about Daylight Savings Time being evil, and Standard Time being awesome. And healthy.

Also, there’s a new T-Rex. SERIOUSLY you guys! They found more dinosaurs!!!!!!

And ultimately, this can lead everyone to the conclusion that I love Time’s Newsfeed. Happy Friday, everyone.