Life Lesson 7,247:
Listening to Talk Radio while you’re in the shower does not convince anyone that you are a normal adult.
Most people probably don’t believe me, but I’ve spent a really absurd amount of my life thinking up ways to be a more “normal” adult.*
*Because that is definitely a sign of normalcy. As is, of course, this.
When I was a small child, I read very large books, convinced that adults would take me more seriously and I would be viewed as the most normal, well-adjusted child.
Look. In my defense, I was like, 6 when I developed this theory. Also, my parents had me convinced it was cool to be smart. _Thanks_, parents.
This tactic did not work. As it turns out, reading very large, literary books when you are very small makes you a total weirdo. Both adults and other children will perceive you this way. Probably because you smell like a library and can define “supercilious.”
As an adult, I turned to Talk Radio (specifically NPR) to help me be perceived as both intelligent and normal. What could be better than having someone tell me all about current events and wars and new music and pop culture? I determined that listening to it in the shower every morning was even more brilliant, because by the time my work day started, I was completely** informed about the happenings of the world.
**20 minutes worth of informed.
It has taken be about 6 years of adulthood*** for me to realize this tactic also does not work. Instead of being viewed as charming, informed, and normal, people view me as knowing an abnormal amount about things like horrifying wars and interviews with obscure geniuses from foreign lands.
***Adulthood, of course, not starting until the point after college graduation where your liver has healed FROM college.
In other words, NPR is totally awesome, but it makes you weirder than you were before.
Also, they have Sandwich Mondays.
As a reward for learning a life lesson, here is a Post-It Note Confession that I randomly left, unsigned, on a coworker’s desk. Because I’m _normal_.