I confess. I have a weird addiction to perusing the “Free” section of Craigslist. It’s a magical land where people swap things with – and without – value…and also basically invite you to come over to their living spaces. What could possibly be wrong with that?

And so I argue: You could live a full life through the Free section of this illustrious site.

1. A Free Chin Up Bar for Your Health
   

   Suitable for any location! Ergonomic! Great for the Outdoorsman in your life! Won’t give you tetanus! (maybe)

2. A Place to Dump all Your Non-Dirty Dirt (which you dug up excavating your new chin up bar)
   
   

   This offer is ONLY GOOD for clean dirt. So please wash it before you bring it over.

3. Bathing Gloves (to clean yourself up after dumping all that dirt and doing all your chin ups)
   
   

   *probably not used. _Probably._

4. Questionable, Possibly Expired Food (To sate your post-chin-up, dirt-dumping, bathing hunger)
   
   

   “Some may be out of date” – but it’s free, so you probably won’t get tape worms.

5. Waxing (To make you look presentable for…)
   
   

   Because when I think about someone dumping hot wax on my skin, I think “It better be free!”

6. Free Candy! (And Hot Dogs!)
   
   

   Hey guys! Guys! This is an honest internet ad for FREE CANDY! …Are you going to call Dateline, or should I?

Seriously, y’all. That’s one full, productive day right there.

(For this post, WordPress recommended the following Tags: Craigslist, Crackerbarrel, Missouri, Undercover, Rape, Online Advertising, and County Detective. I just thought you all should know.)