Me

I Do Not Understand People Who Flirt At the Gym

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Since I happen to think that cake and marshmallows are two of the essential food groups, it’s pretty important that I hit the gym on a regular basis.*
*When I feel like it and am not busy eating cake and marshmallows.

Nutrients are for the weak

This is why I go to the gym.

Which means that when I go to the gym, I’m going to burn as many calories as humanly possible**. I’m not going to flirt. I’m not even going to make eye contact with people, just in case they might later recognize me in public after having seen me at the gym.
**So I can eat cake for dinner.

I mean, don’t get me wrong. I have cute workout clothes. They make me feel perky and healthy and dedicated to running.
A miracle, because I hate running. I hate it with the fire of a thousand suns.

Workout pants are almost as cute as yoga pants

Facial enthusiasm in this image is provided for demonstration purposes only, and in no way accurately reflects my face on the way to go work out.

And everything goes well for a little while. Running feels freeing and joyous, and I periodically think I must look very charming and possible flirt-with-able.

But this is still better than my attempt at drawing an elliptical

Clearly I have no idea how to draw a treadmill.

But then things take a turn.

I should have drawn an elliptical

Seriously. That doesn’t look at ALL like a treadmill.

And then things start to get sweaty…

This is probably because I hate treadmills.

I have drawn the biggest treadmill in all the land.

And by the time I’ve successfully finished my run, I look inches away from death.

Seriously. This is an awkward treadmill

Do your treadmills not beep to signify the end of your torture? It’s like angels are singing.

And guys, I am not the only one. The gym is full of people who look like they might have a stroke at any moment, smell like a melting foot, and are huffing and wheezing like asthmatic bears.

Hurray!

YES! I didn’t have to draw a treadmill for this one!

This is not conducive to flirting.

And yet, every time I go work out, I see women batting their eyelashes at weight-lifting men, and men flexing extra for women strolling on the ellipticals****. This is not what the gym is for, people.
****And men flexing extra for other men while lifting weights. That happens, too. None of you are off the hook here.

It’s for looking like you might die so you can have wine and cake for dinner.

Mmmmmmm

Dating Is Really Complicated

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I know it may be hard to believe*, but I generally don’t spend a whole lot of my time dating. I mean, I can indulge in online dating with the best of them, but that’s never really worked out in my favor in the long run. I’m not very good at convincing the male half of the population that I am mysterious and date-able.
*Unless you’ve been reading this blog for a while.

Awkward...

Apparently guys don’t have a resounding appreciation for spontaneous sock puppet shows. I wish someone had told me.

But every now and then, a guy comes along that convinces me that dating is absolutely fun and worthwhile.

I don't know what you mean. I am totally normal.

What? Doesn’t every girl stand with her hands behind her back all the time?

Being asked out is fun. It’s exciting and fills the world with all sorts of possibilities. But then, trouble strikes.

AHHHHHHH

Trouble always seems to strike me in the form of complicated hair products.

There is always a flurry of activity as I try to remember how to be a real girl – one who has a working knowledge of eyelash curlers and a steady hand at eyeliner and mysteriously perfectly white teeth.

Ow Ow Ow

This is an accurate depiction of date preparation. Sometimes there are injuries.

All of this is to achieve the apparent goal of looking like a perfect stranger by the time the aforementioned guy comes to pick me up.

Probably

I think the goal really might be to convince guys that we women are magicians.

I do not know why this is. I have to assume it’s not just me who does this. But either way – dating is really confusing and complicated and requires a remarkable amount of preparation.

So maybe some day I’ll actually date someone long enough to just stay in.

This ALSO explains a lot about my lovelife.

Because it is very important to judge dates based on their sock puppet skills.

Public Service Announcement #33: Do Not Ignore Headphones in the Workplace

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Or: Cubicles are Wildly Undervalued and I Am Jealous of Everyone Who Has One

I work in an office that has run out of space. The Company is growing, which is fantabulous*, but it also means that cubicles have become a high-value commodity and offices are non-existent. Because of this, Marketing has migrated into a “collaborative workspace.”
*Totally a word. And The Company pays me for wordsmithing, so it’s pretty silly that you’d question me about words.

What this means is, we are no longer entitled to the luxury of walls. My office space looks like this:

Do not question my professional pigtails

Note that those are not cube-boxes. Those are deskspace mini-cubes. The few “walls” don’t even come out past the desk chairs.
But we do have desk chairs. So basically, we’re pretty spoiled.

This has led me to become a believer in giant headphones. I support them for a variety of reasons:

  1. They make it legitimately impossible for me to hear my coworkers when I’m working.
  2. They clearly signify to my coworkers that I cannot hear them.
  3. They have a microphone on them, so I can use them in place of my telephone headset for conference calls.
  4. See reason 2. This is important enough to repeat.
It's very productive

These headphones are clearly not small.
Also, this is my zen and productive work pose.

However, no matter how giant my headphones are, I have found that my coworkers still firmly believe that I am listening to all the conversation going on around me. Now, it’s true – the conversation is much more interesting than work. But as someone who is held responsible for creative** writing, as well as practical business*** writing on a regular basis, I need a bubble of clear headspace to accomplish my mission.
**Manipulative
***Also manipulative

Seriously

This is an accurate representation of this situation happening.

When I become aware of people looking at me expectantly, I’m forced to do the polite thing and pull my headphones off to find out what was said. I mean, maybe my valuable advice**** is needed. Or maybe a new assignment has come down the pipeline. Maybe, as productive and essential marketers, everyone decided to get started on a new campaign idea.
****Valuable advice available here, here and here.

Every. Single. Time.

IT WAS A TRICK.

Nope.

This is never the case. And so I return to the delightful land of my cone of silence*****.
*****Or music. Cone of music. Same thing. 

Whereupon the cycle promptly starts again.

Seriously

So value your cube space, my friends. Value it…and send me some walls.

Lots of Things Make Me Happy about Blogging

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But nothing makes me quite as happy as all the ridiculous things that WordPress tells me about my blog.

My favorite search terms people have used to find my blog:

Or lose. I can't be sure

Sorry guys, but clearly I win the Internet.
I am 100% sure my blog is NOT what they were looking for.

  • what happened to regretsy
    Now you know. You’re welcome.
  • themes for 14 graduates
    I…don’t think I have ever truly addressed this concern.
  • things to make out of pop cans
    Oh oh oh! I can help with this! Pinterest is here for you!
  • eat concern
    I can play this game too. “Sleep anger.” “Drink apathy.”
  • safe hobbies
    This is not the right blog for you. I am sorry Google betrayed you.
  • a meeting should never be longer than
    Ok. This one I totally covered.
  • how to kill spider eggs on christmas tree
    If I knew that, my parents would still be getting live Christmas trees. Sorry to clearly lie to you, Internet.
  • gattafish username online dating sites
    Hey! Someone found me trying to stalk their date! Way to use the Internet!
  • badly written letterto santa
    Yep. Got this covered in every way.
  • dating in your 20s
    It’s awful, right?
  • girl gushers
    NOPE. This is clearly not the blog you were looking for.
  • sweet on zoosk
    Am not. You take that back.
  • white blonde hair
    Finally. My alabaster hair is good for something.
  • dmv social experiment
    Ok, to be fair, I Googled this too after I saw this. Because I want to know if it’s all just an experiment, too.
  • spider eggs on a christmas tree
    I have cornered this topic on the Internet! WOO!

Countries I have collected:

FRANCE

Seriously

Man I love Canada so much.

THE UK! (Guys. GUYS! It could be THE QUEEN.)

Seriously Seriously

Seriously. I may not have mentioned how much I love Canada.

VIETNAM

:(

Awww. Why no love Canada?

AUSTRALIA

Mostly my blog does not make it past Canada

Oh hi Canada!

RUSSIA

BECAUSE RUSSIA

It’s so big I almost forget how much I miss Canada.

BAHRAIN (totally a real place!)

<3 Canada

Knowing that Canada had already shown me love, I was free to Google where, exactly, Bahrain is. It’s in this circle. Somewhere.

FINLAND (Also a real place, for those of you who studied geography in the US!)

Yay Canada!

Guys! Finland and Canada TOGETHER! ❤

OMG I LOVE CANADA

Oh, this old blog? I just threw this on. Had it in my closet for years

Oh. Hey Canada. I didn’t even know you’d be here.

Oh, right, and the place where I live:

Seriously. This entertains me

And Canada! ❤

U.S.A.! U.S.A.! 

So these are the reasons* that I love my blog. Don’t you feel like you just got backstage passes or something? You are welcome.
*Canada

(Thank you guys for reading my blog. It blows my mind that anyone would bother to check it out, especially people in other countries, and people who don’t know me**. Most of all, I do want to thank the people who know me and read this, because, well, you already have me inflicted on you.)
**Aren’t literally bombarded with my pleas to read this.

Planet Earth Is Out to Get Us

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I should probably not be allowed to have the Internet, y’all. It only leads to trouble. And I probably shouldn’t be allowed to have TV, either.* In fact, for the benefit of everyone, I should probably be denied access to libraries, microscopes, and conversational scientists, too.
*But I am an ADULT with a JOB, therefore I can have both, just like I can eat candy for dinner and no one can stop me. The world is a wonderful place. Except for everything in the rest of this post.

Basically what I’m saying here is: I’m addicted to Discovery Channel specials, Animal Planet, and anything that has ever been written or filmed about enormous and weird animals, insects, arachnids and parasites.

Also everything in the ocean. Everything in the ocean is terrifying and amazing.

I have a weird fascination with all the most horrifying things on the planet. They make me happy. They give me nightmares**. They make me pathologically terrified to go swimming in Florida, or ever visit the Amazon. I am also completely unable to change the channel or close the book or click on a different website once I’ve found one of these Earthbound monsters.
**The nightmares don’t make me happy. But the KNOWING things does. It’s a vicious cycle. If I didn’t know, then how would I avoid being eaten by Greenland sharks during my many frequent beach trips to Greenland?

You have to know thy enemy, people. And that is why I am sharing some of my favorite ways our planet is clearly shaping up to be a horror movie:

Monster earthworms as big as people? Can’t be true. Wait…it’s true? I saw Tremors. Please, please tell me more.

Nope Nope Nope

Kevin Bacon recommends never lying next to giant worms.
(Click for Source.)

(It’s called a “Giant Gippsland Earthworm” and it’s so big you can hear it moving through the ground.)

Jellyfish that are so big they won’t even notice you’re caught in their horrifying jelly tentacles? WHERE CAN I FIND THEM?!

Nope Nope Nope

Swim away! Swim away!
(Click for source.)

(Ok, so they might notice. They’re called Lion’s Mane Jellyfish and you only think they aren’t planning to eat you. Give them time.)

This spider. It exists. Some people keep them as pets and I strongly believe those people should not make more people.

NOPE NOPE NOPE

NO NO NO NO NO NO. Someone call John Goodman. I also saw this movie.
(Click for source)

(This is the Goliath Birdeater Tarantula. And now you know.)

Untreated pond or stream water – especially in third world countries – is sometimes full of parasites that eat your brain? This is information that will be relevant to all parts of my life living in a first world country!

Nope Nope Nope

I am never swimming again. Parasites are invisible monsters, y’all.
(Click for source.)

(This is Naegleria fowleri and it loves to live in your brain and eat it all up.)

I know that talking about supersized squid is all the rage, but guys, the Colossal Squid is a real thing. And we all know it’s just lying in wait. Probably to grow bones so it can retain it’s horrifying shape on land while eating us all.

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO

IT HAS A BEAK UNDER THOSE TENTACLES.
(Click for source.)

(This is actually and scientifically called a “Colossal Squid,” and science says it doesn’t want to eat you, but sometimes science just doesn’t want us to have nervous breakdowns.)

And that’s just the tip of the iceberg of horrifying things that totally live on our planet and make it 1,000,000% more awesome. So check your couch for giant spiders and curl up for some Animal Planet specials, because we all have a lot to learn before the opening credits end on this horror-movie-to-be.

P.S. – I super love nature and I want all these things to live forever, because the world would be super boring without them.