Humor

Yoga Is Not Easy

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Or: Why I Achieve My Best Zen Rocking Out to Journey in My Car

I don’t do New Year’s Resolutions*, but I like to think that January is a nice time to make healthy life changes.** So I talked one of my friends into investing in yoga classes with me. Because yoga isn’t as fun if you don’t drag people into awkward poses WITH you.
*Not true. I make all kinds of resolutions. I resolve to eat all the chocolate in my pantry. I resolve to talk to my cat only when no one else is around. I resolve to close my blinds before I dance around my apartment in my dinosaur costume.
It’s just that I can’t keep any of them, so I like to pretend I never make them.
**Shop all the “health and fitness deals” on Groupon.

Yesterday was our first class.

Things started well. I arrived on early***. As I pulled into a parking space, the sweet melodies of Journey started to play on my radio. So, obviously, I put the car in park, cranked the volume up to 11, and proceeded to rock out like I had a perm in my hair and was wearing spandex pants.****
***This is nothing short of a miracle. Just ask anyone who knows me.
****I really was wearing spandex pants, guys! Because yoga! I am so prepared!

I WILL NEVER STOP BELIEVING

This is actually how I dance in the car. It’s kind of dangerous to be a passenger during a parking lot dance party.

I preened as I exited the car and found the right part of the building for zen and stretching.

It is not a mystery why I'm single.

This is, in fact, the patented “Wearing Yoga Pants to Do Yoga” walk. And I do it in real life.

And as we got our mats and positioned ourselves in the room, I was strong in the confidence that I’d done this before, and there was only one guy in the class, so how much could I possibly embarrass myself?

Really? They don't?

Do words not float around you when you do yoga the right way?

So much, you guys.

Somehow, despite my efforts to end up in front of the instructor***** but away from the one guy in class, I ended up directly in front of the one guy. Which implies that I have more confidence in my yoga pants than I actually do. And then we started yoga-ing.
*****Because – let’s be honest – I need all the help I can get, you guys.

As it happens, I have no sense of balance.

I probably deserve an award.

I’m possibly the only person who can fall over while doing seated yoga poses.

No balance whatsoever. I’m not sure my yoga instructor knew anyone could be that awkward at yoga…

But she didn’t see my sweet in-car dance moves.

In short: I would probably be great at yoga if Journey was our background music.

Let’s Talk about Blondes

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Oh, oh, I see your brain whirring right away. You’re looking for the joke, right? Well don’t stifle the urge. You might break something.

Got it out of your system? Ok then. Let’s roll.

I’m blonde.* Very blonde. I have been blonde all my life. I was born with wisp of white hair topping my round pink head. I grew into a childhood mop of towhead white-blondeness that would make the Children of the Damned go all glowy-eyed with envy.
*Thanks, genetics!

SO MANY BLONDES!

In your face, you fakers. Those are OBVIOUSLY wigs.
Click for source, because shockingly I did not have this photo on hand.

Unlike my in-it-for-the-short-term childhood peers, however, my hair stayed pale white-gold as I grew. I never transitioned into sandy blonde or light brunette.** And I hated it. Every second of it. My hair was light while my friends were all crowned with dark hair. They didn’t look like snow-topped lobsters when they got sunburned. They even tanned in the sunlight.
**Though I did enjoy phases of blue, purple, blue again, red, orange, red again, orange again, black, tiger striped and blue-black.

But my parents forever told me my long blonde hair was beautiful, something enviable and precious.*** It was something I should show off and value – not every girl was a natural blonde, you see.
***Dad was not as fond of blue, purple, blue again, red, orange, red again, orange again, black, tiger striped and blue-black as I was.

This didn’t fly with me. See, blonde just isn’t awesome these days. A generation or two ago, it was a Hollywood goddess look. It was a mark of beauty.

She's so...so...shiny...

Thanks, Marilyn. You left behind a legacy of lies. Also, how does your hair do that?
Click for source.

But these days, it’s a hair color just as easily bought from a bottle. And girls who buy it in the bottle are better off, because, well, they can probably tan, too. I’m not saying blonde isn’t thought of as pretty. I mean, if it weren’t thought of as attractive, why would girls do this to their hair?

When you do this to your hair, it smells like burning

Jenna Marbles is a magical woman who knows everything about hair and boobs and tiny dogs and click this to go watch her right now.
Also I have no idea how to do this to my hair.

But over the years, there’s been a vicious campaign against blonde-hood. We’re ditzy, and slutty, and simple. Apparently. Because the color of your hair clearly shows how smart you are. Smart must be a dark pigment that lives in your brain and stains your hair as it grows out of your head, right?****
****Like, OMG, that’s so totally how science happens, right?

So very, very wrong.

Anyway, I thought hair color stereotypes were a silly thing of the past. We’re all basically even, any color can be bought in a bottle, and no matter your hair color or ethnicity, we all know that Asian girls won the popularity contest. Right? That’s what happened. Or so I thought.

I was out the other evening being an adult***** when the girls at the table behind me started talking about one of their exes. (I’m a life-long eavesdropper. I love spying on other people’s conversations, because sometimes they’re better than mine.)
*****Celebrating the fact that Prohibition ended long before I was born. Because I’m American and I respect my history. And definitely not because margaritas are better than chocolate.

The ex of one of the girls was apparently dating a blonde. And this was somehow his worst transgression. The new girl’s perfect blondeness had stolen away a man. She’d bewitched him with the yellow-y color of her hair. He’d been enchanted to move on from the emotional ruin his ex-hood should have left him in.

Because that's how witches happen

GASP! Even Samantha from Bewitched is blonde! BLONDES ARE WITCHES!
Click for source.

So, apparently, blonde devilry is still a thing, and no one has ever bothered to inform me how to do it. Not cool, guys.

OK, Fine. ONE blonde joke, and that’s it:

Three friends; a blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stranded on a desolate island. One day, the three of them are walking along the beach and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie. The genie says, “Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one.” 

The brunette says, “I’ve been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I just want to go home.” POOF! The brunette gets her wish and she is returned to her family. 

Then, the red head says, “I’ve been stuck here for years as well. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I wish I could go home too.” POOF! The redhead gets her wish and she is returned to her family. 

The blonde starts crying uncontrollably. The genie asks, “My dear, what’s the matter?” 
The blonde whimpers, “I wish my friends were still here.”

So just remember: always let blondes go first.*
*Unless it’s in a horror movie. In which case, I want to go in the middle.

Happy Holi-oh, Crap. I’m Already Late

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I’m very busy and important*, so I simply do not have time to be amusing** today.

*Running late to Christmas Eve lunch at my Grandma’s house. 
**Am totally having a holiday-induced panic attack.

So here is a picture of a very sad box.***

:(

Produce Box is really sad to meet you.
Produce Box is kind of a jerk.

***Dramatic shadows included, FREE! You’re welcome.

I get my produce**** magically delivered to me. And I recently discovered that this box is very, very sad. All the time. Because I have anthropomorphic personification problems.

****Fancy bread and locally made sugar products. But it comes in a produce box, so it’s healthy, right?

Merry Christmas Eve, y’all. I hope all your holiday boxes are glad to make your acquaintance.

The Post Office in My City Is a Magical Place

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Hey guys. Don’t freak out or anything, but I just found the coolest place in the Queen City. 

Google Maps knows all the places

Please try to contain your excitement.
Image courtesy of Google Maps. Thanks, Google!

And it’s my local post office.

You may be wondering how this could possibly be. Everyone* knows that the post office is a circle of hell around the holidays – especially if you live in a city.

*All the people I mention my love of the post office to. Which actually IS everyone.

And I do, in fact, live in a city.

Real. City.

See? Big buildings = real city. Point proven.
This image is also thanks to Google Maps, which has way more geographical knowledge than I do.

See? See? There are cars. One of them is a taxi.** Just out of this shot is a wad of police cars, proving we have city-like crime. And we have a bustling metropolitan area with traffic and annoyingly complex parking structures.

**To be honest, this is actually the only taxi I have ever seen in my city. The South does not believe in taxis. 

But just forget all that when it’s time to go to the post office.***

***Unless you actually live in Uptown****, in which case, you are super screwed. Have fun waiting in line forever, suckers.
****Which is what the Queen City calls our downtown, because we’re all clearly out of our minds.*****
*****Also because our downtown is the highest geographical point in the whole city, which I hate knowing, because it takes all the fun out of the fact that we’re clearly out of our minds.

When it’s time to go to the post office, you’re going to travel through time and space and into a strange land. A land where rednecks are probably going to murder you to the Deliverance soundtrack, and people are totally selling boiled peanuts on the side of the road before Christmas.******

******Apparently this is a totally normal thing. I asked the guy. His name is Jim. I did not take his picture in case he was barely containing his Deliverance-murder instincts. 

Mmm...gun pie.

This is what is directly across the street from my nearest post office. This is clearly the liveliest part of this neighborhood.
Also, thanks again, Google Maps!

I even took a picture of my own to prove that my post office is not somehow just trapped on a strange country-town street. It’s literally an entire neighborhood that does not belong in a city.

WHERE DID THE CITY GO?!

No tall buildings, as far as the eye can see.

So basically, my drive to the post office was surreal. Also, unnerving and terrifying.

But by golly, I had Christmas presents to mail. And they were going to get there BY Christmas, for once.******* And so I persevered through this disturbing land, and finally got to the post office.

*******Despite the impression I give of clearly having everything together, I am notorious for giving people Christmas presents in, like, February.

Where everyone was smiling an happy. The Friday before Christmas. The place oozed a sort of zen I have never seen. It was like going to the post office in Mayberry********

********Which is also in North Carolina, as it happens. Check it out, y’all.*********
*********This is the most terrifying place in all of NC, in my humble opinion. But that’s a story for another day. 

It was MAGIC, guys.

In other news, if your Christmas shopping isn’t done, allow me to recommend this:

Because a knife is too complicated

Specially designed to be the most useless gift in the history of time. You can click here and buy 10 on Amazon.

The perfect gift to convince everyone that you are the worst gift giver of all time. It’s my new favorite thing on Amazon.

Life Lesson: Insults with Class

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Life Lesson 7,249: “You’re a Mean One, Mister Grinch” makes insulting people in daily conversation easy AND fun.

So here’s the deal. Sometimes, I say things to people that are not nice.*

*Just kidding, Mom. Also, please stop reading this now. It’s only going downhill from here.

Sometimes, I have been accused of vicious sarcasm. Worse, periodically, I actively choose to insult people.** Mostly, I make it my mission to insult them without making them angry at me. I have a tendency to get away with this, as I am blonde**** and look harmless. Apparently this gives people the impression that I’m always just being funny and am never actually angry at anyone.

**Only the deserving.***
***People who don’t read my blog.

****Look inherently too brain-damaged and simple for cunning insultry.

And while some of my best material has been gleaned from movies, like Blade Trinity***** the truth is, my greatest source of perplexing insultry has always been “You’re a Mean One, Mister Grinch.”

*****If you don’t know the insult I’m talking about, you need to go watch the movie.

I mean, think about it. This classic children’s song is a handy guide to rarely-used insults that will leave people both wounded and confused. When used in daily conversation outside of the month of December, no one has any idea what you’re talking about.

Let’s look at some of these gems:

“You really are a heel”

Lookit! I can draw toes!

Because few things are more insulting that foot anatomy.

As a child, I took this to mean “you’re totally the end of a loaf of bread.”****** It’s only now, in my adult years, that I understand that people just happen to think feet are gross.*******

******Obviously the most disgusting part. It’s all crust. Children HATE crust.
*******I am actively choosing to ignore the fact that this clearly originated from the meanings “low point” and “contemptible person.”  Because it’s no fun to be accurate on the Internet.

“You’re as charming as an eel.”

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I cannot draw anything as terrifying as this.
Click for source and science.

This pretty much speaks for itself. Eels are terrifying. HOWEVER, by including the word “charming,” people automatically think that you’re complimenting them, and you’re off the hook.

 “You’re as cuddly as a cactus,”

Cacti hate cuddles

It is key to recognize cactus cuddling as a mistake BEFORE commencing the hug.

Don’t hug cacti. Even the fuzzy looking ones. They are not fuzzy. And therefore, this is an ideal insult. Basically it’s saying “I want to hug you because you look fuzzy, but I know it’s a lie. You’re a liar.”

“Your heart’s an empty hole.”

Mmm...chocolates

What, do you NOT picture an empty chocolate box for this line in the song? Is it just me?
Crap, it’s just me.

If people get mad at you for using this insult, just pretend you were expressing medical concern.

“You have termites in your smile.”

Wooden Teeth: A universally bad idea

It is difficult to draw termites and not have them look like braces. Also: Don’t invest in wooden teeth

This one is OBVIOUSLY a double insult. But if you say it in a concerned tone of voice, people check their teeth.******** Which is funny.

********I’m serious. They will. It’s instinct.

“You have all the tender sweetness of a seasick crocodile.”

I'm just being honest about it.

I’m just being honest about it.

Much like calling someone “charming,” the inclusion of “tender sweetness” ensures that people will stop listening to your insult before you get to the insulting bit. You’re off the hook.

“You nauseate me”

The bathroom is a ROOM OF PRIVACY

Sometimes you should just be honest with the people who follow you into the bathroom.

“Your heart is full of unwashed socks”

Ew ew ew

This is not a good place to keep socks. Clean OR dirty.

And my all-time favorite:

“Your brain is full of spiders,”

I write about spiders a lot

Seriously. Ew. Also, it’s like a thousand times worse than that story where a spider laid eggs in a lady’s face.

Now, I have accused a plethora of people of having spiders in their brains. It’s worked out well for me. In part because people are more confused than insulted. And when that happens, they don’t get mad at you. It gets all the insulting out of your system, without all the hurt feelings after. Win-win!

In other news, that guy who uses his bajillionaire powers for good made Jurassic Park a real thing.

DINOSAURS

Click for amazing, amazing source

It’s a DINOSAUR THEME PARK.

This marks a historic moment in time, guys. This marks the official moment when there is finally a romantic replacement for the “Jaws popping out of the water at Universal Studios” proposal.

Finally.