Let’s Talk about Blondes

Oh, oh, I see your brain whirring right away. You’re looking for the joke, right? Well don’t stifle the urge. You might break something.

Got it out of your system? Ok then. Let’s roll.

I’m blonde.* Very blonde. I have been blonde all my life. I was born with wisp of white hair topping my round pink head. I grew into a childhood mop of towhead white-blondeness that would make the Children of the Damned go all glowy-eyed with envy.
*Thanks, genetics!


In your face, you fakers. Those are OBVIOUSLY wigs.
Click for source, because shockingly I did not have this photo on hand.

Unlike my in-it-for-the-short-term childhood peers, however, my hair stayed pale white-gold as I grew. I never transitioned into sandy blonde or light brunette.** And I hated it. Every second of it. My hair was light while my friends were all crowned with dark hair. They didn’t look like snow-topped lobsters when they got sunburned. They even tanned in the sunlight.
**Though I did enjoy phases of blue, purple, blue again, red, orange, red again, orange again, black, tiger striped and blue-black.

But my parents forever told me my long blonde hair was beautiful, something enviable and precious.*** It was something I should show off and value – not every girl was a natural blonde, you see.
***Dad was not as fond of blue, purple, blue again, red, orange, red again, orange again, black, tiger striped and blue-black as I was.

This didn’t fly with me. See, blonde just isn’t awesome these days. A generation or two ago, it was a Hollywood goddess look. It was a mark of beauty.

She's so...so...shiny...

Thanks, Marilyn. You left behind a legacy of lies. Also, how does your hair do that?
Click for source.

But these days, it’s a hair color just as easily bought from a bottle. And girls who buy it in the bottle are better off, because, well, they can probably tan, too. I’m not saying blonde isn’t thought of as pretty. I mean, if it weren’t thought of as attractive, why would girls do this to their hair?

When you do this to your hair, it smells like burning

Jenna Marbles is a magical woman who knows everything about hair and boobs and tiny dogs and click this to go watch her right now.
Also I have no idea how to do this to my hair.

But over the years, there’s been a vicious campaign against blonde-hood. We’re ditzy, and slutty, and simple. Apparently. Because the color of your hair clearly shows how smart you are. Smart must be a dark pigment that lives in your brain and stains your hair as it grows out of your head, right?****
****Like, OMG, that’s so totally how science happens, right?

So very, very wrong.

Anyway, I thought hair color stereotypes were a silly thing of the past. We’re all basically even, any color can be bought in a bottle, and no matter your hair color or ethnicity, we all know that Asian girls won the popularity contest. Right? That’s what happened. Or so I thought.

I was out the other evening being an adult***** when the girls at the table behind me started talking about one of their exes. (I’m a life-long eavesdropper. I love spying on other people’s conversations, because sometimes they’re better than mine.)
*****Celebrating the fact that Prohibition ended long before I was born. Because I’m American and I respect my history. And definitely not because margaritas are better than chocolate.

The ex of one of the girls was apparently dating a blonde. And this was somehow his worst transgression. The new girl’s perfect blondeness had stolen away a man. She’d bewitched him with the yellow-y color of her hair. He’d been enchanted to move on from the emotional ruin his ex-hood should have left him in.

Because that's how witches happen

GASP! Even Samantha from Bewitched is blonde! BLONDES ARE WITCHES!
Click for source.

So, apparently, blonde devilry is still a thing, and no one has ever bothered to inform me how to do it. Not cool, guys.

OK, Fine. ONE blonde joke, and that’s it:

Three friends; a blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stranded on a desolate island. One day, the three of them are walking along the beach and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie. The genie says, “Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one.” 

The brunette says, “I’ve been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I just want to go home.” POOF! The brunette gets her wish and she is returned to her family. 

Then, the red head says, “I’ve been stuck here for years as well. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I wish I could go home too.” POOF! The redhead gets her wish and she is returned to her family. 

The blonde starts crying uncontrollably. The genie asks, “My dear, what’s the matter?” 
The blonde whimpers, “I wish my friends were still here.”

So just remember: always let blondes go first.*
*Unless it’s in a horror movie. In which case, I want to go in the middle.

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