Humor

“Got” Is a Super Versatile Word

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Or: English Is Weird and Also My Favorite Thing

Since I work in marketing, I have a tendency to avidly watch for interesting campaigns everywhere I go*. Magazine ads, billboards, commercials, graffiti…I’m always peeking at the ways commercialism is invading our lives.**
*This actually has nothing to do with the fact that I work in marketing, and everything to do with the fact that I have the attention span of a gnat.
**Hurray! Job security!

It’s everywhere, y’all.

So when I was driving around the Queen City (the QC if you’re hip, which clearly I am not, since I spell it out), it wasn’t really surprising that a billboard caught my eye.*** Specifically, THIS billboard:
***Distracted me into the horrifying realm of nightmarish possibilities.

This is a regrettable situation

Because having spiders is something people frequently ask others about.
Click for source and to rid your living space of spider infestations!

Got….Spiders?

NO NO NO NO NO. Is that even a thing that can happen?!**** But that brings up the whole idea of context clues and English.
****Of course it is. And of course I Googled it to make sure. And of course I will never sleep again.

Take, for example, the Got Milk ads for comparison:

Everything is so...so...blue

Because who needs the sweet nourishment of Earth’s yellow sun when you can instead binge on milkshakes?!
Click for source.

Let’s break it down, here. “Got milk?” is asking if you’ve got something you may lack, something you desire.

“Hey, got milk?”
“Actually, no, but I DO have cookies and so now I really want some. Gimmie!”

But only because I've had cookies.

All things worth desiring are on fancy columns or pedestals. Is that not how your life works?

“Got spiders?” is asking you if you’ve somehow ended up in the exact situation frequently illustrated by my nightmares.

“Hey, got spiders?”
“YES AND PLEASE BY ALL THAT IS HOLY COME AND SAVE ME.”

NONONONONONONONO

Science has taught me that if it can pop up in your most awful dreams, it’s probably also a real thing. So, flying spiders.

This applies to more things than actual ads. See if you can identify the positive usage and the negative usage!

“Got doubloons?”

I had to google how to spell doubloons, because words

Doubloon mountain is probably guarded by flying spiders.

“Got monsters?”

Grrrr. Arrrgh.

This is less scary than flying spiders.

I know, I know, this has been a very challenging quiz. But if you said the doubloon pile was the negative usage, you’re right! Because it’s guarded by flying spiders, which are more awful than monsters!

English. It’s all about the context.

I Am Not Even a Little Bit Country

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No matter what y’all think.

Today’s Blog Post Is Brought to You By How Late I Was Stuck at Work on Tuesday

A few years ago, my brother was living in Texas with his family.

Texas was never my favorite state. I don’t listen to country music. I don’t drive a big truck. I don’t know how to line dance. I have exactly zero understanding of how cattle are herded.*
*But I am super good at making sweeping, inaccurate assumptions about things people like in Texas.

But I really wanted to go visit. And so I went. And you know what?

I found something I really, truly love.

MAH BOOTS

They do, in fact, look this stylish in real life.

Forget glass slippers. Cinderella was clearly clueless about footwear. Cowboy boots are the most magical shoes. For one thing, they let you swagger with every step. For another, you automatically pose like a gunslinger when wearing them – even in normal, everyday, non-gun-slinging situations!**
**Which is every day of my life, because I am the worst at being southern and don’t own a gun. All southern friends are responsible for my survival in a zombie apocalypse. Hi friends!

Yee haw!

Ahem. Yee-haw?

For another thing, they are more comfortable than slippers.

Mmm...comfy

Bye bye bunnies…Oh come on guys. They’re slippers. Don’t call PETA.

But best of all, I can wear them to work under my fancy pants, and no one knows but me.

Ok, maybe i should rephrase that

And that’s all a girl ever wants. Secret boots. And fancy pants.

I Do Not Understand People Who Flirt At the Gym

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Since I happen to think that cake and marshmallows are two of the essential food groups, it’s pretty important that I hit the gym on a regular basis.*
*When I feel like it and am not busy eating cake and marshmallows.

Nutrients are for the weak

This is why I go to the gym.

Which means that when I go to the gym, I’m going to burn as many calories as humanly possible**. I’m not going to flirt. I’m not even going to make eye contact with people, just in case they might later recognize me in public after having seen me at the gym.
**So I can eat cake for dinner.

I mean, don’t get me wrong. I have cute workout clothes. They make me feel perky and healthy and dedicated to running.
A miracle, because I hate running. I hate it with the fire of a thousand suns.

Workout pants are almost as cute as yoga pants

Facial enthusiasm in this image is provided for demonstration purposes only, and in no way accurately reflects my face on the way to go work out.

And everything goes well for a little while. Running feels freeing and joyous, and I periodically think I must look very charming and possible flirt-with-able.

But this is still better than my attempt at drawing an elliptical

Clearly I have no idea how to draw a treadmill.

But then things take a turn.

I should have drawn an elliptical

Seriously. That doesn’t look at ALL like a treadmill.

And then things start to get sweaty…

This is probably because I hate treadmills.

I have drawn the biggest treadmill in all the land.

And by the time I’ve successfully finished my run, I look inches away from death.

Seriously. This is an awkward treadmill

Do your treadmills not beep to signify the end of your torture? It’s like angels are singing.

And guys, I am not the only one. The gym is full of people who look like they might have a stroke at any moment, smell like a melting foot, and are huffing and wheezing like asthmatic bears.

Hurray!

YES! I didn’t have to draw a treadmill for this one!

This is not conducive to flirting.

And yet, every time I go work out, I see women batting their eyelashes at weight-lifting men, and men flexing extra for women strolling on the ellipticals****. This is not what the gym is for, people.
****And men flexing extra for other men while lifting weights. That happens, too. None of you are off the hook here.

It’s for looking like you might die so you can have wine and cake for dinner.

Mmmmmmm

Dating Is Really Complicated

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I know it may be hard to believe*, but I generally don’t spend a whole lot of my time dating. I mean, I can indulge in online dating with the best of them, but that’s never really worked out in my favor in the long run. I’m not very good at convincing the male half of the population that I am mysterious and date-able.
*Unless you’ve been reading this blog for a while.

Awkward...

Apparently guys don’t have a resounding appreciation for spontaneous sock puppet shows. I wish someone had told me.

But every now and then, a guy comes along that convinces me that dating is absolutely fun and worthwhile.

I don't know what you mean. I am totally normal.

What? Doesn’t every girl stand with her hands behind her back all the time?

Being asked out is fun. It’s exciting and fills the world with all sorts of possibilities. But then, trouble strikes.

AHHHHHHH

Trouble always seems to strike me in the form of complicated hair products.

There is always a flurry of activity as I try to remember how to be a real girl – one who has a working knowledge of eyelash curlers and a steady hand at eyeliner and mysteriously perfectly white teeth.

Ow Ow Ow

This is an accurate depiction of date preparation. Sometimes there are injuries.

All of this is to achieve the apparent goal of looking like a perfect stranger by the time the aforementioned guy comes to pick me up.

Probably

I think the goal really might be to convince guys that we women are magicians.

I do not know why this is. I have to assume it’s not just me who does this. But either way – dating is really confusing and complicated and requires a remarkable amount of preparation.

So maybe some day I’ll actually date someone long enough to just stay in.

This ALSO explains a lot about my lovelife.

Because it is very important to judge dates based on their sock puppet skills.

Public Service Announcement #33: Do Not Ignore Headphones in the Workplace

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Or: Cubicles are Wildly Undervalued and I Am Jealous of Everyone Who Has One

I work in an office that has run out of space. The Company is growing, which is fantabulous*, but it also means that cubicles have become a high-value commodity and offices are non-existent. Because of this, Marketing has migrated into a “collaborative workspace.”
*Totally a word. And The Company pays me for wordsmithing, so it’s pretty silly that you’d question me about words.

What this means is, we are no longer entitled to the luxury of walls. My office space looks like this:

Do not question my professional pigtails

Note that those are not cube-boxes. Those are deskspace mini-cubes. The few “walls” don’t even come out past the desk chairs.
But we do have desk chairs. So basically, we’re pretty spoiled.

This has led me to become a believer in giant headphones. I support them for a variety of reasons:

  1. They make it legitimately impossible for me to hear my coworkers when I’m working.
  2. They clearly signify to my coworkers that I cannot hear them.
  3. They have a microphone on them, so I can use them in place of my telephone headset for conference calls.
  4. See reason 2. This is important enough to repeat.
It's very productive

These headphones are clearly not small.
Also, this is my zen and productive work pose.

However, no matter how giant my headphones are, I have found that my coworkers still firmly believe that I am listening to all the conversation going on around me. Now, it’s true – the conversation is much more interesting than work. But as someone who is held responsible for creative** writing, as well as practical business*** writing on a regular basis, I need a bubble of clear headspace to accomplish my mission.
**Manipulative
***Also manipulative

Seriously

This is an accurate representation of this situation happening.

When I become aware of people looking at me expectantly, I’m forced to do the polite thing and pull my headphones off to find out what was said. I mean, maybe my valuable advice**** is needed. Or maybe a new assignment has come down the pipeline. Maybe, as productive and essential marketers, everyone decided to get started on a new campaign idea.
****Valuable advice available here, here and here.

Every. Single. Time.

IT WAS A TRICK.

Nope.

This is never the case. And so I return to the delightful land of my cone of silence*****.
*****Or music. Cone of music. Same thing. 

Whereupon the cycle promptly starts again.

Seriously

So value your cube space, my friends. Value it…and send me some walls.