Me

Posts about me!

Financial Ideas from a Recession-Era College Graduate

Posted by

4

A few of you might know I’ve been considering a serious career change. Unfortunately, swapping from relatively successful career to a new career, and managing to maintain the “relatively successful” part can be kind of problematic. With that in mind, I’ve spent the past three weeks brainstorming and plotting how I might be able to afford nursing school without going broke or giving myself an overworked nervous breakdown.

This morning, inspiration struck…in the form of “I should write a Craigslist ad.”*

That’s right. Craigslist. The original “bleak meetup” site for missed connections, odd hookups, garage sales and new apartments. So, for the benefit of others like me, I am sharing the sweet poetry of how to subsidize your advanced schooling and career change in the form of a Craigslist ad. This ad is focused on nursing, as that is my ideal career swap of choice, and really, this is all about me here, people. (And my quest to discover just how many commas I can put in one sentence. Current record: 8.)

For your benefit, I have included parentheticals noting the logic behind all the bits of this ad.

“Ad Title: I Want to be a Nurse
(Because really, just putting the word nurse on Craigslist in any ad section is going to get lots of interest.)

Hi! Like the title of this ad, I want to be a nurse. There’s just one small problem with this wild career change plan of mine: I’m already paying college loans, and can’t afford to just live income free for a couple years.
(Because all the people on Craigslist really want to know your personal motivations.)

That, my friend, is where you come in.
(Using “you” and “my friend” here makes this ad feel like it was personally written for the reader! You’ve got ‘em now!)

I’m looking for a sugar daddy.**
(Don’t be coy. Readers will respect your direct honesty.)

Are you old, rich, and weird? Then I’m the right investment for you!

A) I’m college educated, but I do an _excellent_ valley girl voice, so I can be bimbo-y arm candy any time you need it!
B) I’ve maintained a solid and steady employment history since graduating from college. So, I am totally capable of any amount of independence.
C) You can think of funding my education as a directly contribution to a local charity. I’m local. And, I’m kind of a charity case.
D) I’ll be learning about nursing, so I can clearly help with your at home care, if you’re old enough to need it.

(Highlight your redeeming qualities! But don’t sound slutty. You don’t want them to get the wrong idea. You need money, but you have standards.)

So how do you get in on this great deal?

1) Make enough money to pay my room, board, old student loans, nursing school payments, and some “running around money.”
2) Have the desire to be a benefactor.
3) Write me into your will.

(Mix it up. Use numbers here instead of letters. It’ll throw them for a loop and they’ll skip the fact that you want to be written into their rich person will.)

That’s it!

References are required. I don’t want to be murdered, y’all.”*** (It’s important in everything you write for the internet that you highlight the fact that you do not want to be murdered.)”

It’s as easy as that! One simple ad, and all your financial troubles are over! Or rather, in this instance, my financial troubles are over.

All the best brainstorms happen during Monday morning showers.

*Don’t do this. It’s a bad plan.

**Seriously. I mean it. Don’t do this.

***Are you really still considering this? Stoppit. This is how you get murdered.

Why Ninjas Don't Sit in the Sun

This is a drawing of a ninja being attacked by a very small superhero under a very convincing sun, which has been added simply to ensure that you read the for-your-safety footnotes above. _You’re welcome._

Things I have Said to People This Week – October 18-25

Posted by

2

I choose to summarize my week for you by simply sharing a few of the things I have said to coworkers, friends, and strangers over the past seven days.

“My jelly bean tastes like a dreamsicle.”

“Don’t discount ALL of China, dude.”

“I’m pretty sure a bearshark would improve my outlook on life.”

“What do you mean we can’t do that now? We live IN THE FUTURE!!!”

“Sorry – I can’t come to trivia. I have to sew the spikes on my tail.”

“And we can pick out potential sugar daddies for me!”

“I think conforming to their rules of engagement are a lot like playing Sorry with an 8 year old.”

“Bees don’t want children. They want flowers.”

And now, I present my personal method for keeping people from stealing all your coffee creamer from the work fridge:

I would like to remind you that I have no children. This was purchase as a wine-drinking safety device.

I would like to remind you that I have no children. This was purchase as a wine-drinking safety device.

I drink soy milk in my coffee. People were drinking all of my soy milk. I solved this problem by putting my soy milk in a sippy cup. Now everyone is afraid of what might actually be inside this cup. Problem solved, y’all.

Life Lesson: The Rule of Halloween

Posted by

7

Life Lesson 7,245:

If you’re a grown woman and your boss asks you what you’re going to dress up as for Halloween, do not say “a stegosaurus.” Just say “dinosaur.” Your specificity will undermine your professional adulthood.

I have a problem. It’s called “terminal honesty.” This is probably the result of being a chronic liar in the sixth grade.

Parents: “Daughter, did you do your homework?”

Me: “Yes, absolutely, loving parents. I have completely mastered long division”

Three Days Later, post parent-teacher conference

Parents: “Daughter, you have apparently not done homework for three months.”

Me: “…Oh. I thought you were talking about my homework four months ago. I did that homework. Were you talking about recent homework?”

The disappointment in my parents’ eyes eventually (it took awhile) guilt-ed the devious liar-ness out of me. And resulted in my horrendous honesty in the face of nearly everyone, including my overly normal employers.

Out at lunch yesterday, we were discussing my coworkers’ many children and Halloween. As the only employee in this group who hasn’t made any tiny people, I tried to avoid any awkward participation in this conversation. Until all eyes turned to me, anticipating my contribution of Halloween plans.

Devoid of children of my own to draw attention away from my inner child (who escapes often), I maintained my aura of expert cool by mentioning that I’m attending a party at a local art studio. (Sounds cool, right? Yeah, we’ll just skip over the fact that this is also the place where I go to watch movies like “Sharknado” and “Laser Blast.”)

“Oh?” said my boss. “What are you going to dress as? It must be a costume party.”

“Oh, I’m going as a stegosaurus. I made the costume this past weekend.” I replied.

And then, as the expressions of my boss and coworkers changed into frozen smiles, I realized something.

  1. It’s unacceptable to be a grown woman who dresses as a dinosaur for Halloween
  2. “Stegosaurus” is a really specific dinosaur for a grown woman to mention. This would only be eclipsed by something like “ankylosaurus,” but in your 20s, it is not socially normal for a non-archaeologist to differentiate dinosaurs.
  3. Adults do not make their own costumes. This implies too much dedication to dressing up.
  4. It’s always safer to say “a witch.”
One of the options that results from a Google Image Search for "Women's Stegosaurus Costume."

One of the options that results from a Google Image Search for “Women’s Stegosaurus Costume.”

The Horrors of Blogging

Posted by

0

Ok. Now that I posted what I actually wanted to write about today (which was obviously pie), I’m probably obligated to write the “hi world!” post that explains what I’m doing on the Internet.

(Well, probably not what I’m doing on the Internet. We’re all doing the same thing on the Internet. Looking at food on Pinterest and stalking our friends on Facebook. Ok, and a few other things, but we’re not talking about that right now.)

What right do I have to call my very first (ok, second) blog post “The Horrors of Blogging”? Who is this nobody pretending to know things about the sweet online poetry that is blog writing?! Well, that’s easy. This is my own personal blog – and I just started it, that’s true – but I do this for a living. I’m a marketer (stop judging! Stoppit right now!), and since I’m in my 20s, I do a lot with social media. Including writing tons and tons of blog posts that I will never link to, because that’s work, and this is me.

But really all the horrors started when I decided I wanted my own blog.

I’ve gotten to work on a lot of created blogs – someone else has built the back-end coding, and embedded all the cool tracking toys and the SEO kits, and made it look all pretty already. Then I write and tag and share and spread the word…without having to decide what background to choose, or every layout detail, or what hosting provider to choose. Honestly, that stuff makes my head hurt.

So my patience ran out, my impulsiveness kicked in, and now I have a blog. The look will get more love later. This blog isn’t full of useful knowledge, and probably never will be. It’s my corner of the Internet where I – a 20-something Bay Area girl who now lives in North Carolina – intend to share all the things that live in my brain. Or at least some of them. I don’t want to scar y’all for life. (Lookit how Southern I am!)

Image

Hi, Internet.