Or: I Swear I Watched the Super Bowl and This Post Has Almost Nothing to Do with Sports
* Wait, is that not a football thing?
By nature, I am a bookish introvert. One of my favorite ways to spend an evening is wrapped up in a blanket, tucked up on my couch with a book**.
**And marshmallows. And wine.
But not many adventures happen when you’re safely enjoying the company of your couch cushions, and I am a big fan of adventures. There is a happy, malicious part of my brain that has rebelled from my quiet reclusiveness, and makes regular, extroverted demands on the rest of me.*** And last Monday, that part of my brain decided that it was time for a party.
***I also blame this part of my brain for all bad decisions ever made.
The bad decision devil is personally responsible for that one time I decided to…uh, nevermind. That’s a completely different story that you should forget about immediately.
I tried to argue with her using logic and sensibility.
You only think I do not have these conversations with myself out loud. At work.
But I’m not very good at it, because logic and sensibility sound very boring and not at all like “Let’s drag a bunch of our friends over to eat junk food and pretend we know all the rules of sportsball. Uh, I mean, football.”
Facebook is really determined to figure out what ads are most effective for selling things to me. They have yet to try to use dinosaurs or explosions, so they still haven’t outsmarted me.
And so that’s how I decided to throw a Super Bowl**** party. I invited many people through the magic of technology and the Internet. I reveled in the joy of party planning like an adult and the impending fun of unhealthy food and friends.
****Superb Owl. Sportsball. Can you tell I am clearly the best and most logical choice for hostess of a football party?
Yes. This is a song. I encourage you to sing it next time you throw a party.
And then yesterday morning arrived.
It’s like waking up the morning of the middle school science fair and realizing you never actually MADE the paper mache volcano.
I woke up to the realization that I had less than 8 hours to clean my living space and make snacks and pretend to be a cool, collected, organized human being***** instead of a girl who periodically builds blanket forts and lives on boxed macaroni and cheese.
*****Just in case I might suddenly be able to fool my friends into thinking I have my life together.
Because two-handed cleaning is always effective.
Just when I decided I had clearly mastered adulthood and was definitely going to be prepared by the time people came over, disaster struck.
IT WAS THE BIGGEST BUG IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE AND HE WAS LOOKING RIGHT AT ME.
I may be just slightly mortally terrified of bugs.
But I also was perpetually aware that, in addition to a bunch of friends, I had invited over a guy I like. And he was coming over early to help me make proper football snacks.
I had no time to cower from the bug.****** So it was time to get tough.
****** I named him Maximus, Destroyer of Productivity.
Because if you tip toe up to bugs, they won’t notice your intentions to murder them horribly. It’s also harder to run away on your tip toes.
We circled each other for a good three minutes. But I was motivated.
Technically, that book is biodegradable and so probably not littering.
And that’s how my copy of Moby Dick ended up in the bushes outside my apartment. I am educating nature.
Perpetual Plot Hole 
I laughed all the way through this, but my favorite was the last line. I also find it ironic that great literature was ejected from your place the day you threw a football party! I hope things went well an you were able to impress the guy you like. 🙂
Thanks! I think he was super impressed by my confident statement that “we’re going to score points against the enemy team by kicking the ball through those stick posts.” Because, you know, sports-knowledge really wins over the hearts and minds of men.
I also have to confess…I totally went down to rescue my book and it is now living sequestered in a plastic bag to suffocate any potential bug stowaways 😉
Moby Dick, good choice. Nice and thick.
I’m not one to throw a book on a bug, but I have been known to throw a mixing bowl from across the room in an attempt to capture an uninvited snake. When that didn’t work, I put a table on top of it and asked my upstairs neighbor to please remove the murder victim. Which he did, but almost didn’t because he couldn’t stop laughing at the crime scene.
I just really love the idea of “putting a table on top of it”. Because that’s also the way I solve problems. Spider on the bookshelf? Drop the whole bookshelf on it. Centipede in shower? Draw an entire bath of boiling water just to make sure it’s dead.
I think I’ll have to try table-throwing. Good advice.
Also, he clearly did not understand the importance of NOT HAVING A SNAKE IN THE HOUSE GET IT OUT GET IT OUT NOW. There’s no time for laughter. The corpse may come back to life.
Zombie snakes are nothing to mess with! I’m sure your bug-free sportsball environment was highly appreciated and enjoyed by all as points were scored through the stick posts.
The stick posts were super important to the winning point goals.
The coming back to life is what I hate most about bugs. I don’t trust that dead is actually dead, so I never go near a dead one bare-handed. I’ll use the hose attachment on the vacuum and suck it up. A live one, though, I’m ok to use the smash and flush method.
Honestly, I treat all bugs (and things I am scared of) as though they are the main monsters in horror movies.
1) They are never, ever dead enough
2) Killing it with fire is probably underkill
3) It’s just waiting for when you aren’t paying attention
Flushing is a good idea. I’m stealing that idea. Your wisdom is saving lives. ❤
Agreed, agreed, agreed.
Flushing is totally where it’s at: saving lives that matter, and taking lives that don’t. 🙂
Wait a minute! How did the party go??! 😉
Ha! The important question, Well, there were buffalo chicken tater tots and pizza bites and pimento cheese and brownies and cheese dip and pirogis…oh, wait, you mean the people at the party…
😉 It was fun. Next time you should come too!
Your posts are so incredibly amusing. I love your drawings!
But, yeah, how was the party?!
Yay! Thank you 🙂 I appreciate the flattery, because it has now totally made my day.
I vote that the party was fun, but I’m not vouching for the fun anyone else who came had. For one thing, they didn’t know about the bug victory, and for another, they had to deal with a sugar-filled me for HOURS of commercial excitement.
You’ve just inspired me to purchase a number of weighty, unreadable tomes and lie them around the house to serve a dual function: impressing future guests & bug squashing.
Sneaky – and brilliant 🙂 Literature is useful on sooooo many levels.
This did make me laugh! That’s exactly how I throw parties… Last minute panic cleaning and shopping and cooking… My last Halloween party was so last minute that I was still making pie and soup when people arrived… X
You invited a bunch of reclusive non-football fans to a football party made by a reclusive non-football fan. I think it was successful.
Also, you lie. You do not live on mac and cheese, you live on cereal targeting the 8-10 year old demographic. There is proof.
Touche, madam. Count Chocolate and Franken Berry are part of my balanced breakfast-lunch-dinner.
But sometimes I break down and mix some mac and cheese in. You know. For protein.
Go ahead. Picture THAT flavor explosion. (Because now I am and I regret it so much.)
I don’t understand. You say you’re an introvert but you had people over. In your house. You would have had to talk to them and entertain them. Like a normal person. I want to be like this. Tell me how!
Heeheehee. I know – it just makes me sound like a liar! But really, the way I’ve managed to fake extroversion is just that – fake it. There are whole pep talks involved about how it’s more fun to have people over.
It also really helps that my friends are awesome and rather weird in the head, too. So they understand.
Also, it’s easier in my house. It’s home base, and I can always go cuddle my cat.
Hilarious.
Procrastinate before the party: yep, always. I just throw all the mess into the second bedroom and yell at my husband because “he’s not cleaning right”
Almost faint at the sight of a bug: yep, that’s me too. I know they can see us, they try to act like they’re not starting at us, plotting our demise. But they are.
You are so right. They’re completely plotting our demise. I mean, if it was PEOPLE sneaking into our houses and staring at us, everyone would freak out about it, so really this is pretty rational.
…So THAT’S what I need! A second bedroom! You are a master at solving my problems – I am totally going to designate a closet to act as a “second bedroom for cleaning purposes.”
Oh, yes. Make sure your next place comes fitted with a second “junk” bedroom, a few “junk” closets, at least three “junk” drawers and maybe a basement for any overflow “junk”
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