I Do Not Understand People Who Flirt At the Gym

Since I happen to think that cake and marshmallows are two of the essential food groups, it’s pretty important that I hit the gym on a regular basis.*
*When I feel like it and am not busy eating cake and marshmallows.

Nutrients are for the weak

This is why I go to the gym.

Which means that when I go to the gym, I’m going to burn as many calories as humanly possible**. I’m not going to flirt. I’m not even going to make eye contact with people, just in case they might later recognize me in public after having seen me at the gym.
**So I can eat cake for dinner.

I mean, don’t get me wrong. I have cute workout clothes. They make me feel perky and healthy and dedicated to running.
A miracle, because I hate running. I hate it with the fire of a thousand suns.

Workout pants are almost as cute as yoga pants

Facial enthusiasm in this image is provided for demonstration purposes only, and in no way accurately reflects my face on the way to go work out.

And everything goes well for a little while. Running feels freeing and joyous, and I periodically think I must look very charming and possible flirt-with-able.

But this is still better than my attempt at drawing an elliptical

Clearly I have no idea how to draw a treadmill.

But then things take a turn.

I should have drawn an elliptical

Seriously. That doesn’t look at ALL like a treadmill.

And then things start to get sweaty…

This is probably because I hate treadmills.

I have drawn the biggest treadmill in all the land.

And by the time I’ve successfully finished my run, I look inches away from death.

Seriously. This is an awkward treadmill

Do your treadmills not beep to signify the end of your torture? It’s like angels are singing.

And guys, I am not the only one. The gym is full of people who look like they might have a stroke at any moment, smell like a melting foot, and are huffing and wheezing like asthmatic bears.

Hurray!

YES! I didn’t have to draw a treadmill for this one!

This is not conducive to flirting.

And yet, every time I go work out, I see women batting their eyelashes at weight-lifting men, and men flexing extra for women strolling on the ellipticals****. This is not what the gym is for, people.
****And men flexing extra for other men while lifting weights. That happens, too. None of you are off the hook here.

It’s for looking like you might die so you can have wine and cake for dinner.

Mmmmmmm

360 thoughts on “I Do Not Understand People Who Flirt At the Gym

  1. Pingback: I Do Not Understand People Who Flirt At the Gym | plexuspinkdrinkhealth

  2. Love it love it love it.Totally with you, but I do like running, even if i don’t do it often enough and eat cake (cheese) and wine way too often.

    • You LIKE running? Can someone please bottle that for me? Because I’d drink “enjoying running” more than wine. I have to draaaagggg myself to the gym and draaaaaagggg myself onto the treadmill/elliptical/track…

  3. Couldn’t agree more with this! As a man who goes to a rather small gym, there’s nothing more frustrating than the guy standing at the dumb bells, facing the girls on the treadmill doing anything he possibly can to make his biceps pop. There is a bar right across the street, go and wear your overly tight t-shirt and flex your arms in there if you’re hoping to pick up women without using your words!

    • I feel I should mention that the phrase “biceps pop” makes me laugh. Because I totally picture cartoon Popeye and his bulked up noodle arms popping like cartoon balloons. Thanks! 🙂

  4. I loved this, and shared it all over the place. Because my workout is typing really fast while I jackass around on the internet. One of my blogs is about food. Nowhere in it do I mention working out, or vegetables for that matter (unless they go with the main course). I don’t drink, but I encourage other people to find great wine to go with the fattening food I talk about and post recipes for.

  5. There is no way that I could try to look pretty when I leave the gym. Why would you wear mascara or eyeliner to do the stairmill? As much as I sweat I would look like a member of Kiss by the time I was done. It drives me crazy to see chicks in there who never break a sweat! I go to 24 and it sometimes feels more like a night club than a gym with the amount of hair-flipping and giggling that goes on there. Obviously, I have noticed this phenomenon and put some thought into it as well. I’ve been going to the gym twice a day (aka 2-a-days) to get myself into shape for my trip to Vegas at the end of March. I’ve realized that the AM work-out-ers are definitely there to work out, not to look pretty. The PMers are about half and half. I don’t understand going to the gym to look pretty.

    • Ugh – twice a day? You, madam, are dedicated and magical and skilled and I am impressed. That makes me want to go take a nap immediately. If I could ever get it together enough to go to work out in the morning, I could probably be spared the side show…but I’m destined for a life of night-working-out because I cling to my bed like it’s my soulmate…

      • Don’t get me wrong. I have days where I try to get out of bed, but it sucks me back in like quicksand. Plus, being in a colder climate(like most of the country right now) I sometime roll out of bed only to panic at the chill in my house, and immediately launch myself back under the covers for an hour of more sleep and warmth.

  6. Yes, ‘“Brainwashed by feminism” is an interesting and highly aggressive statement to roll with.’ But so is my whole blog. And I bet my comment about you is true. You probably think men and women have equal sex drives — and that it’s up to the man to somehow miraculously get the girl as aroused as him, before the two are properly allowed to have sex. Guess again! For couples, women need to have sex when they DON’T want to, just as men need to take women out on the town when they DON’T want to. The fact is: Men are from Mars and women are from Venus (or some such). Feminism lies about all of this.

    • Now, I totally agree with you that men and women are different. Our brains work differently, and so do our bodies. But the base core of feminism is

        equal

      standing – not being the same, but being WORTH the same. A woman is not less capable of, say being an engineer or a pilot. A woman is not less than a man. There are plenty of mis-interpretations about feminism, but that’s not a reason to hate on the idea of equality it was originally meant to represent. So-called feminists who claim life is all cupcakes and sprinkle-rainbows for dudes are wrong. Each gender has challenges, and each gender has strengths that come with the chromosomal pairing – but there are exceptions to every rule. No one is ever going to understand a whole other gender. We all barely understand our OWN genders.Not all men have equal sex drives, either. And some women want a whole lot more sex than their male partners. In that case, it would be the man “needing” to have sex when he doesn’t want to, wouldn’t it?

      Please quiet the hate on any particular viewpoint here. There’s already a lot of arguments on the Internet, and I’d kindly like you to keep your verbalized assumptions about me, my knowledge base, and my opinions about other humans to a limit when you’re basing your stance off of a blog written for humor and fun.

      • What a compliment! I’m really grateful. But how you judge I’m “a gentleman and scholar,” I have no idea. I’m not making it easy for you — or anyone. It seems that in real life I’m not allowed to publicly express my personal and philosophical antipathy to current mankind. So I’m presenting a temporarily-anonymous and not-easy-to-bear stylized and caricaturized version of myself as an experiment. NO idea how it will all turn out.

  7. Totally agreed. If people want to flirt, perhaps they should do it AFTER the workout and shower and everything. It feels entirely awkward when it happens while you’re sweaty, red-faced and gross. And it’s really annoying when it happens while you’re in the zone. It’s like: “Jesus Christ, leave me be! I’m having a moment here, don’t you see? I’M IN THE ZONE, BITCH. THE ZONE! DON’T DESTROY THIS MOMENT, DON’T YOU DARE TAKE IT AWAY FROM ME!!!!”

    So yeah. Wait till you’re outside the gym. Or even better: don’t flirt with me at all because I don’t wanna go back to the gym feeling like a celebrity followed by paparazzis. I mean, I know I’m good-looking, but that doesn’t mean I can’t have a little privacy? By the way, my boyfriend’s much hotter and stronger than you. Tee hee.

    • THE ZONE demands complete commitment, in my experience. I mean, I barely have enough air to wheeze through the rest of my run, much less talk to someone running next to me!

      …Which probably means I should work out more, honestly 😉

  8. I feel like you posted my inner thoughts. I’m glad I’m not the only one who adverts their eyes and tries to just survive through her workout, even with the cute work out clothes on.

  9. Have you been stalking me while I go to the gym! Just a perfect description of my life haha. Does anyone else feel 10x more motivated while watching themselves run in the mirror?

    • I both do and don’t. For one thing, the first time I catch sight of myself in the mirror I think “man. Someone should see if that girl needs an ambulance called,” And then I realize it’s me and I end up watching in horror the whoooolleee time.

  10. Love it! I’m going to publish a post on a similar topic as well eeheheheheh!
    Don’t think it will be so amazing, but I’m just at the beginning of my blog! 😀 I have time to improve!

    • That would take me away from my precious, precious Discovery Channel…how would I learn about parasites while I run?! 🙂

      The truth is, running outside is fun but lately the weather has been too unpredictable!

  11. That was wonderful I just loved it drawings and all. Yes I see people flirting at the gym very often. The problem I have is the people who are assholes while at the gym. One day I said hello to a young (20ish) lady as a salutation only. She told me to mind my own business. I am in my seventies. Nice manners piss pot.

    • Eye contact is a huge trap at the gym. It could lead to conversation, and then people being concerned about why you’re panting for breath like you’re having a heart attack while running. Therefore, eye contact causes undue panic and is just downright unsafe!

  12. Biggest pet peeve: females who go to the gym in a totally athletic outfit yet whose faces are completely caked with make up. Like c’mon seriously, who are you trying to impress! Hahaha, great post 🙂

  13. This is priceless! And absolutely true, almost no one is attractive if they’re actually EXERCISING at the gym. Though, if you can find someone appealing even as a sweat-puddle grows at their feet…maybe there’s something lasting there, no?

    -Valentine
    Flux: Encountering Adulthood
    http://www.fluxforum.com

  14. Hi 🙂
    This is very true…there are (thankfully) fewer gym flirts at my gym than there seem to be in those I read about in internet land! It does happen, but less often.
    I get more “what the hell are you doing” looks than flirty ones…mainly because I forego the hours on the treadmill in favour of crazy trx contortions and lifting up heavy stuff…
    More lifting heavy stuff = more cake + less time overall on a treadmill! 😀
    I love your drawings by the way, they sum the whole thing up perfectly!

    • Thank you so much! 🙂 I would do lifting, but I’m a baby about it, and also it would interfere with my “hours zoned out running while watching Discovery Channel and Animal Planet and learning about all the things that want to eat me.”

      I think of that as “very important survival-learning time.”

  15. Haha, I totally agree! (your pics are great btw) I usually look pretty much the same as you for my walk home! I once received an anonymous message from a guy in my gym, who’s name was “hey paul”… he said “hey big tits, lovely big tits”. I didn’t wear lycra or make eye contact with anyone in the gym for at least 3 weeks after that…. xx

  16. I am the same way at the gym! If I wanted to flirt with a guy I would go to a bar for happy hour, not go gaga over sweaty, smelly lunks in the weight room. Once I step foot on my treadmill, I am in my workout zone and nothing can break my focus – save for the occasional slip or wheeze as my lack of stamina gets the best of me. Great piece! Also, your drawings are right on point and your treadmill drawing skills are good!

  17. Gym is a place were you workout. It’s not a social gathering and it’s not a place to pick up women/men. It’s funny you look around and see guys pumping iron and after a few reps they stand in front of the mirror to check themselves out and at the same time have an eye on who is checking them out. It’s quiet pathetic really. Have to admit its kind of funny sometimes. Like the other day this guy walks in and all pumped up and looking like a pro. Went directly to the bench press and am sure he had the weighs that his ego thought it could carry. This guy almost killed himself. I had to run to remove the barbel from his chest as he was screaming for help. Never saw him there again. The gym is a place to make you feel and look good and not to show off that your all that and then some. Anyways I workout and I hate it when people come to me to just talk. There is a reason I have headphone ONNNN. It’s my space and don’t invade it.

  18. I don’t get gym flirting either?! I pretty much fell off the exercise bike in fits of laughter when a guy started flirting with me. I might print this out and handily leave it near the water coolers. Thanks for such an enjoyable read 😀

  19. haha I love this! It’s so true too! I don’t get it either I just don’t know why people try to flirt at the gym…. hmm? 🙂

  20. HA this is fantastic! I HATE it when I see flirting happening at the gym, especially if directed my way. I try very hard NOT to make eye contact with anyone. When at the gym..LEAVE ME IN PEACE with my music and silent lips…and p.s. your drawings rock!

  21. Brilliant! Had tears of laughter!

    Just last week I saw this woman at the gym who had an incredible body, but she was wearing full makeup and hair all fancy, and I watched her pull her shirt up to her boobs exposing her abdomen- as she proceeded to stroll around in circles, pacing around the free weight area, with her shirt pulled up. Just waiting for the attention to roll on in. Who pulls a long sleeve turtleneck shirt up to their boobs and then walks around watching people watch them?!

  22. Except for those of us who have supernatural stamina and a charm to trick other people into thinking we look good and not exhausted while working out, you are right. Not that I am not one of those lucky few. Nor have I happened upon someone like that. In fact, I’m sure that those types are just rumors. Regardless, lovely post.

  23. This post is awesome, the pictures are adorable. i always see groups of girls and guys standing around chatting and flirting, and it’s often in front of equipment i want to use. i question why they spend money on the gym pass instead of the club.

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