I Do Not Understand People Who Flirt At the Gym

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Since I happen to think that cake and marshmallows are two of the essential food groups, it’s pretty important that I hit the gym on a regular basis.*
*When I feel like it and am not busy eating cake and marshmallows.

Nutrients are for the weak

This is why I go to the gym.

Which means that when I go to the gym, I’m going to burn as many calories as humanly possible**. I’m not going to flirt. I’m not even going to make eye contact with people, just in case they might later recognize me in public after having seen me at the gym.
**So I can eat cake for dinner.

I mean, don’t get me wrong. I have cute workout clothes. They make me feel perky and healthy and dedicated to running.
A miracle, because I hate running. I hate it with the fire of a thousand suns.

Workout pants are almost as cute as yoga pants

Facial enthusiasm in this image is provided for demonstration purposes only, and in no way accurately reflects my face on the way to go work out.

And everything goes well for a little while. Running feels freeing and joyous, and I periodically think I must look very charming and possible flirt-with-able.

But this is still better than my attempt at drawing an elliptical

Clearly I have no idea how to draw a treadmill.

But then things take a turn.

I should have drawn an elliptical

Seriously. That doesn’t look at ALL like a treadmill.

And then things start to get sweaty…

This is probably because I hate treadmills.

I have drawn the biggest treadmill in all the land.

And by the time I’ve successfully finished my run, I look inches away from death.

Seriously. This is an awkward treadmill

Do your treadmills not beep to signify the end of your torture? It’s like angels are singing.

And guys, I am not the only one. The gym is full of people who look like they might have a stroke at any moment, smell like a melting foot, and are huffing and wheezing like asthmatic bears.

Hurray!

YES! I didn’t have to draw a treadmill for this one!

This is not conducive to flirting.

And yet, every time I go work out, I see women batting their eyelashes at weight-lifting men, and men flexing extra for women strolling on the ellipticals****. This is not what the gym is for, people.
****And men flexing extra for other men while lifting weights. That happens, too. None of you are off the hook here.

It’s for looking like you might die so you can have wine and cake for dinner.

Mmmmmmm

360 thoughts on “I Do Not Understand People Who Flirt At the Gym”

  2. Love it! You’re killing me EVERY SINGLE DAYYYYY!!!! Without exceptions! It is one of my worst petpives. I can’t take it when people who are not there to train are taking up my space, and look like dolls when I’m all huffy and puffy (since like every single normal person, I also go through a gazelle and I-can’t-do-this-no-more-I’m-gonna-fly-off-this-bbbeeeeeep-treadmill-somebody-please-save-meeee stages)… I jsut realized something, I need a piece of cake like NOOOOOWWWW!!!! xoxo

    Reply

  3. “It’s for looking like you might die so you can have wine and cake for dinner” — its like you are inside of my head because that is exactly how I think. I love you!

    Do you know how my running buddy talked me into training for a marathon with him? By telling me that I could have all of the wine and s’mores that I want. And do you know why I’ve stuck with that training plan for four months? Because I’m eating wine and s’mores every day and still wearing my skinny jeans. It is magnificent.

    Reply

    • Sometimes I think the entire reason skinny jeans were invented was to make us feel like champions when they still fit. Also, s’mores are possibly my most favorite food. Ooey-gooey marshmallow and melts chocolate? Gimme, please!

      I love you too – I’m totally hooked on your blog! (Not to gush or anything.)

      Wine tricked me into running. It’s such a cruel mistress. But not as cruel and tricksy as your running mate!

      Reply

      • You are so welcome, it was my pleasure! I just got finished up writing part 1 to a 2 (or 3, haha) part autobiographical blogging series, and wanted to read something cheery and upbeat. You totally excelled in this post with the “feel-good-ness”! Thank you! 🙂

      • YAY! Mission accomplished! I know how diving into self-reflection and making yourself write it out can be absolutely draining. I’m glad I could share some recharge. 🙂 You are SO welcome. I’m headed over to your blog to check it out, because now I’m super curious!

      • Yes! Super recharged! And totally let me know what you think, I’d love to hear your feedback if there’s something you feel should be tweaked. I love your writing style and I just started blogging. yay! 😀

  7. hi there! i run/walk so i can have my sugar fix too. and yes, i look hot when i’m running 😉 who wouldn’t when your dog almost always outran you uphill? great post. and i really find your drawing funny but true 😉

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  8. You know what I don’t understand? Women who dress a little too … ahem … revealingly at the gym. When I go to the gym to workout, I’m there to optimize my body. I’m doing things that look painful because they are! And while I do that, I am dressed in the most comfortable clothing I have, and I dress to make sure that while you may be looking at me, it’s not because anything is showing. It’s probably because I’m doing a kettle bell workout that looks excruciating and you’re glad you’re just on the bike.

    On the flip side, guys who flirt with women at the gym are opportunists. They chose a woman who is alone, and sit right next to here on the bike, so she can’t get away. Saw a woman finally crack and start interacting with the guy who was hounding her at the gym where I workout. Now she walks up to him and starts conversations. If men didn’t get what they want by hitting on women at the gym, they’d stop.

    Reply

    • Oh, man. My biggest question is…if you’re wearing a string bikini top to go running, how do you keep the..uh…ladies? in place? I mean, doesn’t that hurt? And really, it just looks super awkward if you do anything that remotely resembles weight lifting.

      I want to judge opportunistic flirting at the gym, but there’s some logic to it. I mean, when I’m running, I don’t have enough spare breath to laugh at cheesy pickup lines. I’d fall off the treadmill…so I guess it’s slightly brilliant.

      But I’m safe from getting hit on. Like I said – I look like death 😉

      Reply

  9. The cute headband in my case rides up in the back and shifts all my hair so it is a sweaty beehive-do at the end of my workout.

    Great post!

    Reply

    • Mine does that too! By the end of a workout, I have this deranged sort of pony-tail-and-headband lump structure that is carefully held in place by sweat and misery. It’s _super_ attractive.

      Thanks!! 🙂

      Reply

    • Oh man. I have been missing some essential life knowledge here. This right here completely explains why I’m single…

      (Not, you know, my penchant for drawing stick figure on post-its or anything) 😉

      Reply

  11. I don’t even wear make-up to the gym. Just like you, I am there to work. It’s not a pretty sight…I wish I could say that I get to eat cake and drink wine because of my efforts, but at my age, that is not the case. Your post made me laugh. Thanks for telling it like it is! Congratulations on being Freshly Pressed! 🙂

    Reply

    • Thank you so much! 🙂 I literally did a happy dance (that thankfully no one could see at the time.). Makeup at the gym is the bane of my existence. Any time I forget to take it off before I go, I end up glancing in the mirror and discovering that I look like a raccoon that’s been in a bar fight!

      I think you deserve cake and wine anyway ❤

      Reply

    • This is totally, absolutely, in every way logical.

      But I always secretly hope that no one I’m flirting with will EVER see me looking like I’m inches from death. And I can somehow perpetuate the illusion that my eyelashes are naturally the shade of my mascara…

      Reply

  20. I love your sense of humour. It’s SO refreshing and healthy. Absolutely beautiful. Your little stick Olympian girl radiates off the screen. PS : I hate running too but subject my body to same torture on occasion.

    Reply

    • Thank you SO much! Honestly, I’m just glad anyone stops by to read – and if you get a giggle out of it, it just makes my day.

      Running is the worst torture. How do we all keep convincing ourselves to do it?

      Oh, right. Food is completely _delicious_. 🙂

      Reply

  21. I loved this!! I hate going to the gym most days, so I usually just do classes. And about halfway through I feel like death. Sometimes it’s not even halfway through. This post was great. It combined your opinion and a valid point with humor! 🙂

    Reply

    • Oh, of course. I mean, otherwise, the personal trainer would completely ignore them. Because that’s what we pay personal trainers for…ignoring us…so if they’re being attentive, it’s obviously true love. True love inspired by looking like death? 😉

      Reply

  23. I share your hatred of running! and agree wholeheartedly with your outlook on cake and the gym. I enjoyed the drawings too, the captions were monty python-esque*

    *Will make sense if you have ever read the credits to the Monty Python and the Holy Grail movie.

    Reply

  25. Pingback: I Do Not Understand People Who Flirt At the Gym | Sophie Hatton's Illustrations.

  26. LOL this post is so cute. I was hoping for more reules for not flirting but yeah I think that may be the only reason why. :))

    Reply

    • My rules for not flirting in general:

      1) If I look like death, go away and do not flirt with me
      2) If I’m panting like I’m about to die, go away and do not flirt with me
      3) Basically, do not flirt with me if I am at the gym or I haven’t had any coffee yet

      🙂

      Reply

  28. After 24 years of serious weightlifting, I’ve seen some stuff. I’ve heard guys refer to the gym as The Stable where they go to choose a Filly to Ride. The goal is to Ride her right up until the point she wants to put a Saddle on him, then he Cuts Her Loose. A night with multiple partners is A Rodeo.

    I’ve overheard men estimate a woman’s sexual proclivities and abilities according to which machines she works out on. Treadmill = boring and predictable. Eliptical = standing up. Free weights = she likes the rough stuff. Yoga = slow. Pilates = S&M. Climbing wall = she’s a freak.

    One time we had a guy who grunted and howled like a wolf when he maxed out on the bench. After a few days, it got obnoxious so I subtly suggested to my fellow gym rats that perhaps the sounds a man makes while lifting weights are the same sounds he makes in bed. We laughed, he left, and the weight room was strangely quiet for weeks.

    When you are bored or feeling down, a sure fire way to get yourself smiling in the gym is to find the printed instructions on the side of machines and read them as if they were instructions for sex.

    “Keep hands away from all moving parts.”

    “Do not operate if any part is broken or missing.”

    “Seek an instructor’s guidance before operating this machinery.”

    “Damage or injury may occur without scheduled maintenance.”

    “For adult use only. Those under the age of 16 should seek assistance from an adult.”

    Reply

    • This is destined to become my new favorite thing to do at the gym. I always love the REALLY AWKWARD “how to use” drawings.

      Also, I am now going to make sure I do only the most random things at the gym.

      “Is that girl using the rowing machine sideways?”
      “Yeah. I bet she likes it…actually, that’s just weird. Lets all stay away from her.”

      Problems = solved

      Reply

      • Ha! Good plan. Remember: enjoying a good belly laugh at those instructions counts as an ab workout.

        The guys that always cracked me up the most were the ones who came in, benched as much as they could once or twice, then left, ignoring the rest of their body. How attentive do you think THEY are between the sheets?

        Oh, and FYI: if you notice an excess of gentlemen in the weight room on a Friday night, the smart ones have a mission. Muscle tissue swells post-workout while it heals the microtears. Those guys are swelling their arms so they can look ripped before they hit the clubs. (Of course, excess alcohol completely ruins their efforts so maybe “smart” isn’t the word.)

      • Much of my knowledge came from the 90s–you know, the pre-Sit On The Machine And Have An Extended Conversation On Your Cellphone Era. I worked out at a very hard core downtown Denver gym where the manager ran a tight ship. No phones, no swearing, no hitting on ladies, no dropping weights, no rough housing, etc. He was awesome.

        Something happened after the New Millennium. Management changed, money was shunted into what I call the Spandex Arts, such as aerobics, pilates, yoga, Zumba, Tae Bo, martial arts, etc. and the whole feel of the place shifted. The traditional respect and standards fell away in the weight room and it turned into just another room full of guys talking on their phones, swearing, hitting on ladies, dropping weights, and yelling at each other. (sigh)

        I switched to hiking and meditation (both free!) but I still remember how freakin’ awesome it was back in the glory days. Imagine being the only chick in a large room of humongous, gorgeous men who are all protective of you and tease you like a little sister. It was one big, sweaty, loving, awesome family.

        Looking forward to finding something like that again soon.

  30. This is hilarious and I am glad to hear a woman’s perspective on the subject. I just wrote a couple of blog posts on similar topics.. if you have time and are curious go read my “writing on the gym wall” posts.

    Reply

  31. This is too cute & right on the money..BUT those are the very best work outs..And I kid you not; guys really DO flirt with me twice as much ; post work-out! It is as if sweat is an afrodiasic or something..ewwwwww..lol..2 thumbs UP on your write

    Reply

    • YES! As awful as my gasping wheezing running is…it’s also like meditation. I want to do it in my own little cone of silence*

      *The Discovery Channel is the only thing allowed in my cone of silence. It’s not really all that silent.

      Reply

  34. So true! Love it… I look such a ridiculous sweaty mess when I’m finished my run at the gym! Yet I tell myself that because I go regularly I’m allowed to buy pretty gym clothes… I work hard for those clothes to look so awful when I’m done! I hate treadmills also…

    Reply

      • Headbands are THE BEST. Seriously. They hide the fact that (my) hair turns into a complete disaster when I run. It’s a combination of wind-blown and slicked-back-with-sweat that creates strange cowlicks and spiky bangs…

  35. I totally agree with every bit of this. I go to the gym looking like a hobo. Gym get-up, hair slicked back, huge forehead on show and sweating like there’s no tomorrow (after working out, not before, of course). Meanwhile, the twigs glide on the elliptical trainer with a full face of make up, hair extensions and what can only be described as the best wonderbra I’ve ever seen. Fair play, they look great but who goes to the gym to look great while working out? No one, that’s who! Crazy people.

    Reply

    • I want to know where they find the wonderbras they can run in. Because, well, my sports bras do NOT do those things for me. But then I would end up looking down at myself and giggling the whole time, which is not conducive to working out anyway. So it’s probably all for the best…

      Reply

      • Ah, but that’s the trick; you don’t run! You just lightly work the elliptical trainer. Slight bounce, no more than that though. The girls stay under control, the dudes do not. I couldn’t do that. I’d be constantly staring at the rack too! These women… They give us a bad name!

      • Hey, I give them props if they can manage to stay in attractive shape WITHOUT the all-out running. I confess…there’s a dark cloud of jealousy that hangs over my head that I HAVE to run or I will melt into a puddle of person-blob….

  36. I have one of those complexions that goes beetroot red after a very small amount of exercise, and stays red long after my workout. Attractive it is not. Therefore my own personal mantra when in the gym is, if I’m looking good enough to get hit on, then I’m not working hard enough.

    Also, try spreading a little bit of peanut butter on your marshmallow. So wrong, but so right.

    Reply

    • Mmmm…peanut butter makes everything even more delicious. I made peanut-butter chocolate dipped marshmallows a few weeks ago, and they were amazing.

      I go completely red at the gym, too, which looks ridiculous with my super blonde hair. Honestly, if someone flirts with me at the gym, I think there must be something wrong with them….

      Reply

  42. Funny, when I would be on the treadmill, I would match the calories burned with what I was planning to eat. Great motivation for burning calories, and dreaming about my next meal. Great pictures & story

    Reply

  47. If someone really is obbsessed with getting fit but works an office job, I like to tell them to go to a real farm for the whole day and do the dirty work. Good way to get worked out and you might get free dinner or money! Better than paying!

    Reply

    • No doubt! I wish I could…buuuutttt I think my touch is poison to plants. For the good of humanity, I keep my exercise to the gym. Otherwise, my horrible farming/gardening might cause a famine…

      Reply

      • Man, I hope not. What a mess.

        It doesn’t seem to apply to animals, since my cat has managed to live a good long time 🙂 Just plants. One time I tried to grow herbs to cook with. What I ended up growing was moldy dirt in pots.

        Seriously, I am just not cut out for it!

  48. This is fantastic. I’ve often been perplexed by the same thing. I too have always gone to the gym wearing my cute (to motivate myself) workout clothes. But with my fuck-off mask firmly planted on my face. No I do not want to small talk as I stumble out of the gym.

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    • Me either. Because I am too busy trying not to fall over, or walk in the awkward leg-pedal-y way I naturally do when I get off the elliptical. Thanks for being nice and conversational, gym people, but I’m all set to go have a coma now and do not have time to talk. 🙂

      Reply

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